Push

10. She Got an Apology

"Since when?"

"Since now."

Marnie's eyebrows raised, waiting for a better explanation, but I didn't say any more.

My furious scrubbing had paused. Maybe the restless twitch inside me was more than dreading round two of Toby. I hated to admit it—even to myself—but maybe, secretly, just a little bit of it was guilt. I wanted a few more minutes where I could switch off from feeling like I needed to fret over Noah. A certain time. Not just ad-hoc at someone else's whim.

The truth was—I was tired.

Until you had a baby, you had no idea how you could ache all the way to your bones from constantly being... on.

On watch. On demand. Just... On. All the time.

And since I'd chucked Toby out, everything was on me. All the time.

I could carry around fifty diapers in the bags hanging under my eyes. My morning coffee out on the deck? That precious baby-free shower I used to have before Toby disappeared for work? Poof! Gone.

Toby never did much to help out around the house. How could he when he was never at home? But the little moments of peace I got when I slapped him sleepily across the back to try settling Noah first or when he whisked Noah off for a walk on the weekends he didn't work—god, I missed those moments.

I'd never admit that to Toby, though.

Never.

And—poof!—just like that, another precious moment of peace was up in a puff of smoke when the front doorbell rang.

"Who's that?" Marnie twisted around on the stool. "You expecting someone else today?"

I focussed my attention back on scrubbing the sink. "It's probably just Toby."

Marnie flicked a confused look over her shoulder at the front door. She scrunched up her nose. "He rang the doorbell?"

I sighed. "Yes."

"I thought you didn't bother changing the locks yet?"

"I didn't. Toby insists on ringing the damn bell." When Marnie's eyebrows shot up, I responded with a shrug. "He said if he hasn't earned the right to live here, he needs to be invited in like everyone else."

"Hoo–kay then." Marnie hobbled off the stool. Squared her shoulders. Got ready for battle. "Should I sign for your little treasure package at the door and tell Toby to fuck off? Or can he come in?"

Good question.

Anger twisted my insides. I didn't want to see Toby again. But we had almost seventeen more years of co-parenting ahead of us, and I'd promised myself I'd try to be the bigger person... somehow.

I threw the sponge in the sink. Swallowed my anger. A tiny bit of my pride sank with it. I told Marnie, "I'll handle it." Probably wishful thinking.

When I got to the front door, my hand wouldn't turn the knob. The doorbell rang again. I didn't let the noise rattle me. Gwen was zen, right? I counted—one, two, three—dragging in breaths and buying myself a few seconds more.

Mature. Rational. The bigger person.

I could do this.

My plan was out the window the second I pulled open the door. I was greeted with Toby's huge grin and only a glimpse of Noah conked out in his baby carrier before a bunch of white roses was shoved under my nose.

I folded my arms across my chest. I wasn't touching that damn bouquet. "What are those?"

Toby's grin grew wider. "Dunno. Unicorn feathers?"