zanvis || the ghost of you

the ghost of you.

[triggers: talk of self harm]

I woke up in an empty bed again. I didn't know what day or time it was, or where Zane had gone already. It felt like I had been sleeping for an eternity. I turned over to see another indention in the bed. Zane must have just gotten up not too long ago. I had a nightmare about self harm after i fell back asleep, but it seems like it wasn't entirely a dream. My wrists itch, older wounds healing. I got up, putting on my sweatshirt and walking to the kitchen. Katelyn was up already, and she left my cup out on the counter for me to get coffee. I skipped that today, and sat next to her on the couch.
"Morning.." She said more hesitantly than the other mornings.
"What day is it?" She didn't answer me, so I turned to her with lifeless eyes and asked again.  "What day is it?"
"Sunday the 21st."
21st? It's our four year anniversary. I didn't... i didn't get him anything. I didn't even know if we were officially broke up or if this date meant anything to him anymore. "You okay?" She asked softly. I nodded yes, getting up to grab coffee. "I'm going to get dressed." She said, getting up and going to the bathroom. As i was pouring my cup, hands wrapped around my torso and locked, then i felt a breathe on my neck followed by a few kisses.
"Happy four years, snowball." His voice spoke. I smiled to myself, feeling relieved he still cared...
"Happy anniversary." I cooed back. When I turned around he kissed my forehead and held my arms. "Hey, I wanna show you something. Get your shoes on." He said, heading for the door, already in his shoes.
"But I'm not dressed." I hesitated.
"It's fine, we're just going for a walk. It'll be quick. Plus it's still early, no one will be out this early on a Saturday but us." He smiled, waiting for me. I pushed my feet into my white Nike air forces and followed him out the door, closing it quietly behind me. Hand in hand, I walked aside my boyfriend, wondering where he was taking me. The sun had just risen, the sky a light blue and pink, the light was soft.
"Where are we going?" I asked innocently but confused. He didn't answer me. I looked down at his hand, remembering what happened yesterday. I saw the white ribbon peeking out of his sleeves, realizing us eating together wasn't reality, but him hurting himself was.
"Zane.. d-do you remember hurting yourself last night?"
"What?" He asked as if I was hallucinating.
"Your wrists. You came home with huge cuts on your arms, don't you remember? Why did you do that?"
"We're here." He ignored me, then we stopped and looked over the railing of the bridge. There was a wide creek flowing beneath us.
"Why are we here?" I was confused.
"Isn't the water calming? It's peaceful. I just want you to find peace, Trav."
"You are my peace. As long as we are trying to make things work between us, I can finally be calm. It's like you come around and my anxiety is completely gone."
"I'm glad.. but, it just... it wont.. it won't work between us much longer. You know that right?"
"But i need you..Why are you saying these things?" I turned to him, eyes burning with tears. The raven haired boy stared at me blankly. "Why are you toying with my heart, Zane? You are showing up saying you love me like we haven't been fighting, but now you're saying we aren't gonna work out. I'm confused! I don't want to lose you!" I shouted in his face, now sobbing. He grabbed my wrists, running his thumbs over my scabs and scars.
"Do you believe in ghosts, Trav?" He asked slowly, more genuine this time. I shook my head no, sticking with my answer as before.
"Well i do, and if you keep doing this to yourself, i will only have a ghost of you.." He was hinting at my self harm habit. I rested my head against his. "Im sorry.." I said, my crying slowing.
"I want to see you again, but if it's going to cause this much pain, I should go.. and I don't think we should see each other for a while until you are okay."
"Please don't go. Please dont. I can't lose you. What don't you understand about that? I need you!" I backed up, staring into his eyes, yelling through sobs of heartbreak and confusion and anger. Zane's hand caressed my cheek wiping away tears on the right side of my face. He hesitated to speak again. I grabbed his arm with both my hands.
"My dear.. you already have.." He grabbed my hands as my face dropped. "Come." He started leading me back over the bridge towards the house. We stopped a little bit in front of the bridge. We stood there again in silence, staring at each other.
"Travis, I love you. And if I could fix what happened I would, but I can't."
"Why?" I said through tears, not even sure what he was talking about entirely. But I assumed it was our relationship.
"Because I don't know what happened. You don't either. And collectively we can not fix it. We just have to move on now.."
"I don't want to." I held onto his arms tighter. He turned and looked at the ditch, but nothing was there. "You have to eventually. I can't watch you break yourself down over and over." After he spoke he looked back up at me slowly.
"W-why do I have to let go of you?"
"Because I'm dead, love."
My heart stopped. What was he talking about? Dead? He couldn't be. It was impossible. He was here, holding me. Living, breathing, talking. He faked a half smile when he saw my eyes widen and color drain from my skin. His grasp on my arms weakened as he gestured back towards the ditch. I turned back to the ditch where he was looking previously. There was a cross made of wood, and flowers and candles that weren't there moments ago. I stared at it lifelessly for a while before hearing my name being called from a distance.
"Travis? Travis- hey-" Katelyn caught up with me, touching my shoulder and it brought me out of my trance. When I looked in her direction, where Zane was previously standing, he was gone, and she was there in replace of him. "Are.. you alright?" She asked. I stood there, tears building in my eyes again.
"He's dead?" I asked innocently in disbelief. Katelyn hugged me tight silently. Eventually she spoke, while still hugging me, "Zane was killed, hun... about four months ago. The police suspect he was hit by a drunk driver and they made it look like suicide.." She told me the truth. My grasp on her tightened. She sighed, "You don't remember that night do you.?" She asked, i didn't say anything, I didn't know what to say. I didn't remember. Why had it felt like he was here with me this whole time? Why had my brain played this trick on me... "You called me the night it happened. I told you not to search for him in the dark, and you did anyway. You found him here.. Last night was the anniversary of his death.." She spoke softly. I didn't remember any of this. It felt like he died all over again...

I think anything can be a ghost. Ghosts haunt right? Well his cologne stuck to the fibers of my wool sweaters haunt me. The empty side of the bed haunts me. Every 20 and 21 on the calendar haunts me. The mere thought of him, his voice, his touch, his love haunts me. Sometimes I hear him, or catch glimpses of him sitting with a book in the chair next to the window, or I talk to him in my dreams, or feel him there with me. If someone were to ask if I believed in ghosts, I'd still tell them no. Well- maybe my answer would change, but only for a second. I think there is so much more to the word ghost than just someone dead floating around. Whether it's in my head or he is physically there as a ghost is hard to say. Either way, he is there to me, and our love, our life, just him, haunts me.

ONE YEAR LATER

Zane Allister RoMeave, my forever and always, i now believe in ghosts. You've successfully changed my mind. When i see shadows out of the corner of my eye, or feeling you wrap your arms around me in the night, i know it's you. My love for you has never gone away, never once faded, and my loyalty is strong.
"What you writing?" I heard a nosey yet cheerful voice come from over my shoulder.
"A letter to someone." i responded not looking away.
"A letter? To who?"
"You." i said turning around, staring at my boyfriend with a small smile in my face.
"To me? About what?"
I ignored his question, "Do you believe in ghosts?"
"Of course i do. Do you yet?"
"Yeah.." i half smiled looking into his eyes.
"What changed your mind?" he stood there, silver blue eyes sparkling, smile on his face, hair looking perfectly fluffy. His clothes were clean, arms were not injured. He waited patiently for my answer. I smiled bigger for a moment before feeling the knot in my stomach tighten. It was a bittersweet answer.
"The ghost of you."

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thank you so much for reading! ive been in some pretty interesting classes here at SAIC one of them being a ghost research class, and then the next semester i was in a creative writing class. i give inspiration credit to those classes  and the product that came from those ways of thinking was this short story. they were very helpful classes and ik this book wasnt entirely "happy perfect fanfic" but i hope it was still written well and enjoyable.
thank you so much for reading. look out for my other fanfics coming soon!
-worm <3