MEANT TO BE

VAISHALI

It's 3:00 am yet, sleep isn't daring to budge my body. Maa said 'you sleep quickly when you are exhausted.' And I have been awake for more than eighteen hours now. I want to sleep because I don't want to meet the guests with sleepy eyes. And the fact that I have to submit a quick assignment by 9 am, tomorrow. It's not the university's fault that they didn't allot me the desired vacation; rather it was me, who preferred to be busy with her tests and the wedding as I believe, keeping yourself busy helps by being distracted from the zone outs I hate going through.

"I quit." I hissed my defeat while glaring at the ceiling. I got out of my bed, took my pale blue sweater and wore it over my co-ord night tank top that was paired with the  pyjamas. It's the onset of winter, hence cosy days with blue nostalgia. I was walking down stairs when I saw the light of Raghav's room turned on. His room was to the right of mine, to the left of bhaiya's. "I must not mind but doesn't he sleep with the lights off?" An inaudible whisper escaped off me. I don't care.

Currently, I was sitting at the mini dining table of the kitchen after making sure that the gate leading to the garden is closed. My phone wasn't with me. I stopped carrying it almost everywhere ever since the last message that psycho dropped. I might know his identity but I want to gaslight that it's not him. My ex, Neil. He is not near me anymore but the scars he left still haunt me. One of the worst decisions that ruined the real me, the lively me.

My eyes don't lift up smiling anymore rather I shed the tears of agony, and of guilt that I let myself be vulnerable in front of him. Isn't that what we do in love? Hoping that our partner would lift their hand to caress our skin? but his way of expressing was different. He did caress me with…scars, instead. A few of them were so deep that they haven't healed. The one on my back for yelling back at him, and the burnt mark on my  upper shoulder when he pressed a hot spoon there for I don't remember what reason, remind me of how dull I was that I didnt realise his torture and assumed it as the most suffering emotion; love. These marks force me to rip off my skin expecting that it might rip off my past memories as well.

I wonder what my life would have been if I was taught to be strong by myself; to love myself rather than to ask for it from others. I was extremely skillful at mistaking the people around me as my loved ones. My family, my friends, none of them was there for me when I needed them the most. I do love them, but do they? Did they ever come to me and assure me that it was not my fault for trusting him? No, Sadly they did not. Lord, I am so done with myself. I don't want to think about anyone. My focus must be on my goals, my dream job of becoming an ecologist and being able to live freely; independently.

"Vaish? Are these one of those nights you don't mind sleeping but be here?" I turned half to find my brother with his phone. Of Course, he was out in the garden and talking to his fianceè. "Yes, you got it correct." His assumption was true, according to him, atleast. "Well, enjoy then meri choti behen." Enjoying Myself? Wish if I could. "Sleep well, bhaiya." He left after bidding me a bye with his hand. I sighed letting go of the fake smile I had to hold.

I remember confronting my brother about mine and Neil's toxic relationship. How he hated me seeing my cousins and friends. My brother did help me by respectfully telling him to sort this out with me. He explained to me to not be too open about the on and offs of the relationship. Again, he would have been right if I had chosen Neil for me. The idea of him as the only one for me was set by my mother and bhaiya. They made me believe that I was dumb enough to never find one for me by myself. "We are your family. We will think the best for you." Of Course, you would, the old me, the innocent puppet trusted them whole-heartedly until Neil turned abusive. He started being so possessive that he used to lock me in his room for hours. I wasn't living with him but he was my neighbour, my mother's friend's son.

I tried to settle in with his changed behaviour but not until his aggressive behaviour turned intensive. I did not dare to share that with my family as I was done with them degrading me for all of this. He was the best for them than their own daughter. I gathered myself and made this decision of complaining to the police without caring about the consequences. That day, two years ago, in October, I was on my way to execute it only to get shocked by the news told by my mother, she announced that Neil was prisoned for six months for some reason. I had tears of freedom with confusion in my eyes.

My parents except Sona and my dad, as sona was sixteen that time and my dad, well he was never aware of his daughter's existence. He did not need to. That's what my mother believed and she was somewhere right. He already had pressure from his family, so my situation would be nothing but a burden to him. Maa and bhaiya consoled me for Neil's news. I felt bad that they were not guilty for their shitty decisions. That day, I promised myself to never shed tears in front of anyone, to never let anyone know me, my wounds. No one is worthy of that. I'm enough for myself.

"I have never seen someone so lost in their home." The last person I was expecting to start my day with,

Raghav Dinaker.

Honestly, I wanted my guess of him showing here to be gladly false. "And I have never seen someone coming back to a person again and again who doesn't like him at all." my voice came out sour.

"No. You do, moonlight." not that annoying nickname with a wink.
"don't call me by that name." It sounded as it must. A warning.

"Which name?"

don't play innocent for fuck's sake.

"Moonlight?" he questioned as if he calls others with nicknames as well. What if he does? Oh my. Why do I sound affected?

"Yes, that." I agree, which makes him smirk and explain, "I cherish the moon." He fucking makes me look dumb which is not posssible, I'm not the old vaishali anymore.

"So what?" he shows off a quick smile before uttering further, "And for a long time I wondered if moon could personify a human. A specific one, out of all" Huh. I never knew I wasn't good at solving riddles till this moment. Should I ask him further? no i might sound like a dumb head.

We both have something in common.
dumb and we don't sit at the same table.
they don't.

"Do you usually wake up this early? or something special " I blinked twice, and started focusing on the switched topic, thankfully i did not need to do that. "Every day is a brand new day. duh." I couldn't come up with a good response. Though my monotonous voice did him a scoff.

"Exactly, just like our every interaction." And there we go. Him and his obsession with random sentences. But, he is somehow correct. Every conversation we have had, including the ongoing one, makes no sense to me. Rather a waste of time.
"Your eyes.." I muttered, un-intentionally allowing him to bring his eyes- his face closer to me. "They what?" Is he expecting something? his voice screams that.

His face is dangerously close that I'm afraid to blink let alone speak. his lower lip is so filled as if it's swollen. Technically, if I move my head a little forward, our lips might crash…his lower lip between my teeth– STOP. " Y-you look more like a zombie than a human." I stuttered. I stutter under his vicinity. No. I DO NOT— yes I do.

His smile, the teasing smile of his. "I'm whoever you want, moonlight." If I were a superwoman, I would use all my energy in a punch and land it onto his cheeks. "Seal these lips of yours or else.--" a sentence i could not complete and he cuts me in the middle. "Else what, moonlight?"

"I will do you a favour." my intrusive thoughts have the right to speak out.
"With your mouth? yes, please." Oh shoot. they lose the right from today.