what the fuck?? • matt sturniolo

37. i think i may be...

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𝗧𝗛𝗘𝗦𝗘 𝗣𝗔𝗦𝗧 𝗙𝗘𝗪 𝗪𝗘𝗘𝗞𝗦 𝗜'𝗩𝗘 𝗕𝗘𝗘𝗡 𝗪𝗜𝗧𝗛 𝗠𝗔𝗧𝗧, i've been thinking a lot about my feelings for him.

we click on a different level, and it's nothing like i've experienced ever before.

we've been dating about a month and a half now, and i can safely say he makes me feel alive. not only that, i think..

i think i may be in love.

WHOA, BELLA. let's not get ahead of ourselves here.

but, am i? would it be so drastic?

i don't think it's unreasonable at all, but i have to let this realization sink in, and bask in the feeling of newfound clarity.

i sit up in my bed, reeling. still in my pajamas and bed head, i decide to facetime alahna to tell her about this.

my best friend picks up on the fourth ring, her eyes barely open and the screen dark because of the bad lighting.

realizing i probably woke her up, i make an apologetic face. "did i wake you up? i'm so sorry, lana." i snort, breaking into soft laughter.

she turns on a lamp and glares at me with a stony expression. "ha-ha. so funny." she says, adding another comment afterward. "well, you must have a good reason to call at- "she pauses, turning to look at her alarm clock.

her eyes turn wide as she realises the time. "holy shit, it's already 10.30, i thought it was like 7 am, what the fuck?" she says, her face riddled with confusion. 

"lana, your perception of time is really weird." i tell the girl.

she chuckles. "tell me about it." she pauses. "so, what are you waking me up for?"

i stay silent for a solid 5 seconds, wanting to speak but being unable to say it out loud.

finally, after some weird looks for alahna, i blurt it out. "ithinkilovematt."

it comes out in a single second, the words sticking together like glue with my nervous confession.

my best friend's mouth drops as she looks at me wide-eyed. after a second, she breaks into a beaming smile. "you finally realized."

my brows press together in confusion. "what do you mean?" i ask.

she kisses her teeth as if it's obvious. "oh, come on b. we all knew you guys were in love, it was just a matter of time until you both figured it out." the girl explains.

i hum in response. "you think matt loves me?" i ask randomly, during a beat of silence on her end.

my best friend nods vigorously. "one hundred percent he does, it's just a matter of if he knows it yet. like consciously." she rants.

i nod. "i get that. i'm still not sure though."

alahna makes a gesture with her hand, dismissing my worries and deeming them absurd. "please. that boy has been in love with you since the fourth grade. it was so painfully obvious." she laughs.

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8 years ago (the fifth grade):

i was walking mindlessly around the halls of boston elementary school, daydreaming about unicorns and boys.

at that time, our friend group was already forged, we were always together, all of us.

i was never that close with him, and at first i just wanted more than anything to be his friend, but now, i'd started developing a MASSIVE crush on matt.

i'm talking fake scenarios, ranting about him in my imaginary youtube channel, talking about him to anyone who would keep my secret and listen...

it was all very wholesome, (i was like eleven so come on), but i was also really fucking set on making those feelings known to everyone but the boy in question.

it was very known in the friend group, and they'd try to get us alone together (not very discreetly), all the time.

matthew, though, remained oblivious.

my friends, of course, told me to go for it, and since they never stopped insisting, i considered it.

one day, i went over to the sturniolo house because my mom needed mary lou to babysit me since she was going out.

"aunt lou?" i said in my little fifth grader voice.

"yes, honey?"

i sighed. "do you think matt likes me?" my godmother stared at me blankly, not quite processing my question. "i really like him, and everyone says he likes me back, but i don't know."

the woman smiled a small but sincere smile. "i think matt is head over heels for you, bella. i know you two have never been friends, but it was probably because he was shy around you because he likes you." she explained calmly.

i grinned. "you really think so?"

mary lou nodded. "i do."

˚ · • . ° .

i think back to those easier times now and laugh at how innocent we were, how clueless. and also how weird the universe is. like, it just has weird timing, right?. 

getting out of bed, i decide i'm going to make these feeling known. after all, what do i have to lose? he's already my boyfriend, and i'm already so happy.

˚ · • . ° .

i drive over to the sturniolo house and park my car in their driveway.

knocking on the door to make my presence known, i sigh, nervous.

matt answers and immediately i'm hit with another, more powerful wave of nerves. "oh, hey, bells. wasn't expecting you today, but i'm glad you're here. come in."

i smile at his bed head and morning voice, and step into the house, reaching on my tippy toes to peck him in the lips. "it was kind of a spur of the moment decision, but i have something important to tell you." i say.

he closes the door behind us and nods. "you can tell me anything, but whenever you're ready."

he grabs my waist roughly and pushes me up against the door. he kisses me with a strange new desire. "what did you want to tell me?" he asks, breathless. 

his forehead resting on mine, i smile. "i love you, matthew." 

his lips turn upwards in a huge grin. "i love you too, isabella." 

his arms snake against my lower back as he picks me up, taking me to his room. i giggle, nervous, but oh, so excited. "i want you..." i whisper into his ear.

i feel his breath become more uneven. "oh, you don't know long i've been waiting to hear you say that." 

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you guys... i've totally left you high and dry for like MONTHS. 

I'M SO SORRY LMAO. but.... i hope this makes up for it. 

should i write smut or just leave it like this? bc i feel like it's kinda weird bc they're actual people, and not fictional characters, so I DON'T KNOW. 

anyways i love you, and i'm sorry for not updating LMAO