The Wrong Side of Heaven

Chapter 20

After dropping Elena off at home, I run a few errands before deciding to stop at my favorite cafe for a snack and drink. I order tea and an apple fritter before sitting at the same table I've always sat at. I'm immediately brought back to the day Jay and I ran into each other here. Knowing what I know about him now, I'd say it wasn't a coincidence that we happened to be here at the same time that day. I'll always wonder why he's felt the need to be so nice to me. Maybe he really has just liked me since day one. Hard to believe. My mind wanders to our little moments together. The most recent being my bath this morning. My cheeks warm at the thought of his fingers on me. As if he can read my mind, my phone pings beside me. Below his name is a kissy emoji causing my heart to pound in my chest. He's thinking about me too. I wish he were here with me right now. Before I can respond, my phone begins ringing. It's Devin. "Hello."

"Good morning, beautiful. How are you feeling?"

"Better than I probably should." Thanks to Jay, I think to myself. "How about you?"

"Ah I'm fine. I only had a few drinks. I'm sorry I had to leave so early."

"No worries. I was tired too and didn't last much longer after you left."

I hear him exchange words with someone in the background before he gives me his attention again. "Sorry, work never ends. Except for this weekend. I'm all yours."

"What do you mean?"

"I booked us a room at a bed and breakfast and have some activities planned for us."

He's so sweet. I begin feeling guilty about Jay and I remember his text from this morning. "Oh Devin. That's so sweet. I wish you would've given me some notice because I have an out of town work event this weekend. Jay seemed insistent on me being there."

"Really?" he asks in surprise. "When I mentioned it to him last night he didn't say you had plans already."

I furrow my eyebrows in confusion. Jay conveniently announces a work trip the morning after Devin tells him about his plans. Is this his way of keeping me away from him? I should've been given a choice at least. It isn't fair for Jay to use his authority over me as an advantage in our relationship. This just makes me realize how messy this is. "He might've forgot. I'll talk to him later to see if I can get out of it."

"Okay, just let me know and I'll see about rescheduling it if possible." I hear more voices in the background and he sighs. "I'm sorry, I have a few fires to put out apparently. I'll talk to you later."

"Okay. Bye."

I know my heart isn't in Devin's hands like I thought it was. Jay stole it from him the moment he kissed me. While I'm still unsure of where things will go with Jay, I know my heart is no longer set on pursuing Devin. It isn't fair to him to keep him as back up. He took me back to my high school years where he was my first love. He'll always hold a special place in my heart but truthfully, I feel we have very different expectations on life. He's settled down with a daily routine while I want to explore and crave new experiences. The idea of letting Devin go does not mean I plan to run directly into Jay's arms. Jay is a whole world of unknown. I'm not entirely sure what to expect from him yet. I want him physically without a doubt. But I don't want to be one of his side pieces for nine years like Kim has been.

I'm unsure if I want to give myself to him emotionally. I don't want to be that vulnerable with him. If I ever give myself to a man emotionally again, I hope it'll be the real thing. Jay said it himself, he does not intend to settle down. At one point I thought the same thing but naturally, I know one day I would only like to share my love with one person. Maybe for now the best thing I can do is let loose and have fun. I graduated and went straight into a miserable relationship so I never got the change to have fun. Now is my time. What's meant to be, will be.