⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚ To live for the hope of it all ˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚eight˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆

How was I supposed to break the news to Ella? She seemed so excited. I picked up the first two things I saw that looked presentable - baggy blue jeans and a black tank. I placed them out on my bed and went to go make breakfast. I decided to make my famous blueberry pancakes, hoping if she had a good breakfast she wouldn't be as disappointed. I plated the pancakes up and covered them in maple syrup before taking it up to Ella. I knocked on the door before coming in. "Rise and shine!!" I tell her as I open up her curtains. She growns at me before saying "Morning." I showed her the blueberry pancakes and a smile formed on her face, making one appear on mine too. I sat on the end of her bed and passed them to her. "I've got some bad news" I tell her and she looks up at me, "We can't go shopping today, I am so sorry but I've been called in for some meetings about the tour." I could see the sad in Ella's eyes as the words came out of my mouth. Although I knew she was disappointed, she still managed to fake a smile and say "It's alright, don't worry!" I gave her a hug. "Why don't you do some online shopping while I'm gone? I'll buy you everyone you need." I tell her. She starts to smile again and gives me and excited nod, making me feel better. 

I look down at my phone at the message from my mums for the times of the meetings. There was 3 different ones I had to attend today, all following after each other. One at 2pm one at 4pm and one at 6:30pm. I wouldn't be back home until around 8pm. I tell this information to Ella and suggest we order take out when I get back, she replies with a yes. I leave her to eat her breakfast and I go back to getting ready.

Ella's pov:

Once Taylor left the room, I waited to hear her close her bedroom door and I went downstairs. I went through the archway into the kitchen and placed the pancakes on the counter. I looked at them and looked down at myself. I knew that I couldn't have the pancakes, I didn't deserve them and I would gain even more weight. I quietly opened up the back door, took my plate to the outside bin and disposed off all the food an the plate. I then snuck back inside and put my plate in the dishwasher. I went back upstairs, sat back in bed and went onto tiktok. I searched up 'How to loose weight quickly'. 

It had been around 30 minutes of me scrolling, taking in information, until I heard a knock at my door. I swiped off of tiktok and pulled my sleeves over my hand before saying "Come innn". Taylor's head popped through the door and she gave me a smile. "I'm going now, again I am so sorry." She told me. I smiled at her, "It's really okay I promise." I said to her. Taylor walked into my room and passed me a laptop, already signed into with a few shopping websites open. "Get whatever you want! You can use the websites already open or look at other stuff in not that bothered." She tells me showing me the Zara website that was opened. "Thank you so much" I tell her, she gave a smile before giving me a kiss of the forehead and giving me a hug. She got up from my bed and told me she loved me. "I love you too." I told her as I looked her in the eyes. A smile formed on her face as she closed the door behind her.

I began to look at loads of clothes across many different websites, adding jeans, legging, shorts, hoodies, jumpers aswell as dresses and tops which had long sleeves to the basket. I went onto a few other websites and added a few skincare and hygiene products into the basket to. I looked at the time, it was now 4:30. It has been 3 hours since Taylors had left, it definitely hadn't felt that long. My stomach began rumbling but I ignored it, reminding myself of the comments people had made on my body. 

I decided to go on my phone for a bit. I scrolled through social media for a while, passing the time. My phone buzzed, it was a message from Taylor. I smiled as I opened the message - 

Taylor 💕 (messages)

2 down, 1 to go!! 🥳

                                                                                                                                                 Yay!!

Last one is starting now, hope you've had a good day! Xx

Love you lots 😘

                                                                                                                                  Love you too

I looked at the messages, smiling. I loved Taylor so much, I've never felt so loved by anyone. Time passed by as I awaited for Taylor, looking through more clothes and scrolling on social media. The silence that I was sat in soon turned into screams and shouts from outside, Taylor was back. I ran downstairs, hearing the door shut as I jumped into the hallway to greet her. Her face lit up as she turned from the coat rack to me, she put her arms out and I went straight into them. She hugged me tight "I missed you so much." She told me as she rubbed my back. I ignored the stinging of my arms and continued the hug with her. She eventually pulled away and we both began talking about our days. We sat in the living room and I showed her everything I had picked out,  she ordered them all and we sat and talked some more. 

"I'm just going to have a shower and then we can order food! Sound good?" She says as she gets up. I nod back with a smile, fighting back the screams in my minds telling me I can't eat anything. Before walking away, Taylor pointed at the sleeve of my hoodie "What's that?" She asks. I look to where she's pointing on the back of my arm, it was a blood stain. Shit shit shit. How did I not see it? How did it even get there? I had a bandage around my arm, I guess it must have been a bit to deep. There was a silence in the room while I collected my thoughts. "I have no clue!" I reply back, putting a confused look on my face. "Are you sure? Are you alright?" She says with that I-know-something-is-up look she has. Still looking at the stain on my hoodie, pretending to be confused I replied with "Yeah! I'm fine, I really don't know what it is." She gives me a non-convinced nod while walking to go have a shower. I wait for the sound of the shower to start before getting up and going to my room.

I walked into my bathroom and took my hoodie off, unwrapping the bandages and examined the cuts that covered the entirety of my arms. I looked at the scars around where the blood stain, the few in the area seemed much deeper than I have ever done. 'I deserve these' I remind myself before walking out of the bathroom and into my walk in closet and grabbing another hoodie to throw on. I picked up the blood-stained top off of the bathroom floor and put it into the washing basket. I sat in bed and went onto my phone, waiting for Taylor to get out of the shower.