If love could win

The movie night

I was sitting by the piano at school. I was testing out different chords and humming a melody. The music teacher had said that I was to sing a solo with the choir, but we had not decided on what song yet. I had been thinking about what had happened the days before. I had kissed Wille. Slept next to him in his bed. Told him I loved him. And I did. But those thoughts of needing space had taken more and more space in my thoughts. I needed that space, for a while. I needed to know that I did the right thing. That I did things for the right reasons. What if we ended up hurting each other even more than we had already? I could hear Sara tell me to not be so stupid and let people hurt me. That I gave too many chances. I saw Wille standing in the doorway to the music room. He had rejected me once in this room. We had fought about the drugs. This room did not have a track record of nice moments of our relationship to say the least. And I had a feeling that it would not change.

"Hi," Wille said. He slowly walked into the room, a little bit as if he was asking for my permission to enter. As if he was invading my personal space by being there.

"Hi," I replied. Wille sat down next to me by the piano.

"How are you?" he asked. Maybe he was sensing something. That I was not in the happiest mood.

"It is okay," I replied. I looked down at the tiles on the piano, not really wanting to meet his eyes. "And you?"

"I am fine," he said. I wondered if he would say that when he left the music room. There was tension between us. "I have missed you." I felt his hand search for mine. I pulled away. I told myself that I had to be honest with him.

"Wille, about yesterday and the day before that. I think we might be moving too fast. And I don't want us to hurt each other," I said. I saw on him that my words hit hard. That this was not what he wanted to hear.

"But you told me you loved me. Don't you?" he asked. I sighed. I did.

"I do love you. That is why I think we maybe should not do this. Not right now," I replied.

"So we are not going to talk to each other?" he asked.

"What I am saying is that I need time, Wille. I have things to process and I need to think," I said. "You said that you wanted to be lowkey until we figured things out."

"So you want us to act as if the other does not exist?" he asked. I saw on him that he felt hurt.

"I did not say that," I said. "I am just saying we maybe should not be a couple until we have healed a bit on our own."

"So we can talk then? But you don't want to be in a relationship?" he said. I nodded.

"I mean, we are in the same classes and on the rowing team, so we need to be able to talk," I said.

"Okay," Wille said. "But as friends then."

"Yes," I said.

"Okay," Wille replied. I could see that he was forcing back tears. He stood up and left, clearly disappointed in our talk. Maybe he had another vision for it. Probably he did. I also wished that the situation would have been different. That I could give away my heart to him without a doubt. But I could not. Because I did not want the potential heartbreak. I was not prepared for it. If he backed out again, it would kill me emotionally. I packed up my things and went to class and as usual this semester, the only empty seat was next to Wille. He did not even look at me.

****************

When I got home from school that day mom sat in the living room. She was on the phone and I could tell it was grandma from the way she spoke. I went inside my bedroom and shut the door. I pulled out Wille's orange sweater out of my wardrobe and put it on. Smelled the scent of him that was still in the fabric. I sat down on my bed and pulled out my keyboard. I began playing and could not get Wille out of my head. No matter how much I loved him, I knew I had to keep my distance from him. At least for now. Because I could not trust him. And if we were to be in a relationship, I had realised I had to trust him first. I could not just throw myself out there, hoping I would not get hurt. I knew that there was a possibility of that. And that possibility was higher than I had wanted to admit to myself. Wille attracted me like no other boy had. He had made me feel feelings I had only fantasised about before. And those weeks when it was just us falling more and more in love with one another, it had been perfect. And then August had destroyed it. And Wille made the choice to deny it was him in the video. Hurting people was apparently something that runned in that family. But Wille I could forgive. In some way I knew he was scared and alone. And I knew he probably did not have the intention to hurt me, even if he did. But I was also afraid. I was this small town kid who was just like anyone else a month ago. Now I was that kid who went viral for a sextape where the crown prince might or might not have been the other boy. People stared at me at the store and at the pizza place when I went with Rosh and Ayoub. And people had looked at me at the karaoke. No one had said anything, but I knew that face of people who knew who I was but pretended like they did not. I considered going to the police, but I had not decided yet. Wille had a point in that I had all odds against me. Because I did. My chance against August was slim, and I knew so. At least if Wille did not back me up. He was the only one who would win over August. And if he did not want to report August, I was once again all alone. When I had gotten tired of all the thoughts spinning around in my head I picked my phone up. I scrolled on instagram until I came across a post Marcus had done that same day. He had asked me if I wanted to watch a movie at his house sometime. I thought of Rosh's advice to get a rebound. Maybe I should try it at least. I was not in a relationship and Wille and I had not said we would not meet anyone else, so it did not really qualify as cheating.

"Hey. Would you be up for watching that movie with me tonight?" I texted Marcus through the private messages on instagram. He was already online when I texted. There was a little green dot next to his profile picture. So was Wille. I tried not to notice his green dot.

"I would totally be up for that. You can come whenever," he texted back. Marcus was a nice guy. He seemed to have lots of friends.

"Can I come now? You still live at that farm a bit out of town right?" I texted. I saw the little dots from him typing an answer. Felt weirdly excited for him to answer. It was not the same kind of butterflies that Wille's texts gave me, but still something. Something more than him being a friend.

"Yeah. Still live here," he replied. I told mom I was meeting up with Marcus and that I would be home later. Then I took the next bus to his house. I felt a bit nervous. I very rarely hung out with other people than Rosh, Ayoub and Sara. We barely knew each other. And he was gay and handsome. And Rosh and Ayoub's words had somehow stuck. I guess that made me have expectations I might not have had otherwise. I got off at the stop closest to Marcus's home and walked up to the farm. He had texted me that he lived in the smaller house beside the main house. I knocked on the door and he opened. We talked a little while I got my jacket and shoes off and then we walked up the stairs. We went up the stairs where he had a kitchenette and a living room area.

"Would you like something to drink?" Marcus asked. I nodded a little. "I have coke, Fanta and sparkling water."

"Coke is fine," I replied. He had already popped popcorn before I came. He sat down on the sofa and poured coke into the glasses. I sat next to him. I could not help myself but to observe him a little. We sat there for a moment and then we were going through Netflix. It was always the hardest thing with movies. There was so much to choose from.

"So what do you enjoy?" I asked. I would guess that he liked action. Or maybe he was the kind who enjoyed romance or a nice rom com. Well no. Something more violent, where things happened must have been his thing. He was, after all, an instructor at the shooting range.

"Action," he replied. I giggled a bit. He was the predictable kind then. "And what do you like then?"

"Horror," I said with a grin. I actually liked horror generally. But it was also a great thing for being cosy. Sitting close together. Maybe hold hands. Or even kiss. Wille and I had our first kiss on the horror movie night at school. That kiss had been awkward and less than perfect.

"Horror?" Marcus asked, as if I was a bit crazy. "I cannot stand horror."

"But I can show you a good one," I replied and reached for the control for the TV. He hesitated and tried to keep the control away from me. I leaned in and kissed him instead. He seemed surprised, but also leaned in and kissed me back. His lips were steady and tasted a bit like a blend of coffee and coke. I touched him over the leg when I kissed him. Then I rested my hand on his trousers. He had a hand on my leg too.

"You," he said, interrupting our make out session. "You are really pretty." I suddenly felt awkward. As maybe I had misinterpreted his invitation.

"You too," I replied fastly. Well. I would maybe describe him as more masculine and handsome. But I guessed he was a bit pretty too.

"But I did not just invite you to hook up with you. I really like you, you know," he said. I had hoped that was the reason. That we could just make out. Hook up. Whatever we felt like. Without getting too much emotions into it. "So maybe we can take it slow and see where we end up, okay?" I awkwardly nodded.

"Okay," I said. He leaned in for another kiss. A shorter one. Almost just a peck on the lips. We cuddled up next to each other and then he pressed play on the horror movie I had chosen. I won after all. For not liking horror, Marcus did pretty well. He took my hand when it was a scary scene. Not like Wille and I held hands on the horror movie night at school. Not in secret. Not little by little. He just held my hand. When the movie ended we went down to his front door. I needed to get home. It was school the day after.

"It was really nice seeing you, Simon," Marcus said. "And the movie was not that bad I guess." He smiled.

"It was nice meeting you too," I replied.

"Are you sure you don't want me to drive you or at least go down to the bus stop with you?" he asked.

"It is okay. I have reflective tape on my jacket," I said.

"Okay," he said with a smile. He leaned in for another kiss and I did too.

"Bye," I said and walked out.

"Bye. See you," he replied.