When We Write the Stars

Chapter 22: Hayden

     "Nice, I'm sure you'll make it," she says, "I actually just graduated, a semester early from Oregon State."

     "Oh nice, Congratulations," I respond, unsure of what else to say. Then, even though I probably shouldn't I ask, "How's Jake? Are you two still..."

     She laughs politely and holds out her hand, and I notice for the first time the small ring on her finger, "He proposed just last week. Now that I'm out of college, and he's taking over for his dad at the car dealership we figured it was time."

     "Congratulations...again," I say, surprised they managed to last this long. I don't do a great job of hiding the surprise on my face, or maybe she just remembers the look.

     "Look, I know I apologized probably a thousand times, but I really am sorry for how Jake and I started. We never meant to hurt you like that. We were just dumb and in high school."

     "Thank you," I say back, "I guess if it had to happen, at least the two of you are still together." It still hurts to think about, losing the two people I was closest with at the same time, but there's something about seeing her now. Knowing that she and Jake are still together, that they're getting married.

     "Are you seeing anyone," she asks as we move forward slightly in the line.

     My face flushes slightly as I try to think of what to say, technically no, but Cassie feels too important to say I'm not, "Kind of," is what I end up settling on, "It's complicated, you know me, hockey's always been my main focus."

     She laughs, "Oh I remember. That's half of why Jake and I ended up becoming so close, I was always so jealous of all the attention you gave to hockey. It's funny to think about now, I was jealous of a sport."

    I offer her a half smile, "Well hopefully it'll all pay off soon."

     "I'm sure it will," the next lane in the store opens up, and she's about to walk up to it, but before she leaves she offers one last thing, "I don't know anything about this girl you're with, and I have no business giving you advice after how I went about things, but if you really like her, and it seems like you do just know that it doesn't have to be one or the other. You can be really good at hockey and be in love."

     "It really isn't your place to be saying anything," I respond, somewhat annoyed, "but thank you." What happened with Jake and Audrey feels like a lifetime ago, and even just a year ago it probably would've hurt seeing her here, with that ring on her finger, but now, I don't really feel anything. She cheated and that hurt, but I wasn't a good boyfriend by any means. I put hockey first, every time. That was why I didn't date anymore, so I could always put hockey first, and I'd always liked it that way. Until now. Until Cassie.

     The next few days I have at home, I spend a lot of time thinking. I go on runs and think. I play hockey in the yard with my sister and I think. It's kind of exhausting, but all the thinking just leaves me with one conclusion. One that honestly I should've realized ages ago. The whole reason Cassie and I aren't dating is because if we let ourselves get too attached, it'll hurt too much when we inevitably break up as college ends and we follow our paths. But we're both, or at least I am and I'm guessing she is too already emotionally invested. It's going to hurt when we stop anyway, so why not actually date and get to spend time together? Let the pain actually be worth something more than just the occasional hook-up. We can still both put hockey and school first, but also have each other somewhere on the priority list.

     It takes everything in me not to call her, and ask her all of this right now, but it's one of those conversations that I know I have to have in person, and I want to have it as soon as possible. I'm not completely sure when she'll be back from break, but I'm guessing she'll be back for New Year's, she and her roommates seem like the type to want to spend the holiday together.

     So, I invite Cassie and her roommates to the Hockey team's annual New Year's Eve party, we almost always have a game either a few days before or a few days after New Year's Eve, so for as long as anyone can remember the team throws a big party at the hockey house for everyone in town over break. Over the years some wild stuff has happened at these parties. Everything from Coleman somehow leaving with three girls one year, to Nathan, our captain last year convincing almost everyone to run down to the waterfront, which was about a fifteen-minute walk to polar plunge at 1 a.m.

     I wasn't sure if she would actually come to the party, but I was really hoping she would so we could talk again, ever since that conversation with Audrey, I'd been thinking about it and I really wanted Cassie to be my girlfriend. Hockey would still be my main focus, but we'd basically been dating up until Thanksgiving just without labeling it, and I'd been playing one of my best seasons ever. Maybe I really could have it all.