Renjun felt like he was buried beneath the rubble of a destroyed world, but that wasn't new to him. He'd felt that way since forever, since the time he could finally comprehend words and understand just how much his parents despised him and the day Chenle had left him behind in China. He had always felt crushed, always defeated and so restless, not understanding why nothing went the way he wanted it to.
As a child, he had been taught that through hard work, came the best of things, but it didn't seem true anymore.
He had worked hard, hadn't he?
He'd been working hard all this time but... why was he losing?
At first, it was only small things, like the feeling of satisfaction when he did something well and the feeling of relief when he completed a task. Then, it was his smile, which he plastered on more and more the harder it became for him to be happy. Over time, he lost it all, he lost his spark and his will to live.
He lost himself.
And then he lost Chenle too.
Chenle, who was the one person he thought he had, whom he could hold in his hands and treasure and ask to stay with him forever. The boy he came to believe he loved. He'd lost him.
He wasn't sure when, but he knew that he had — long before the blonde made out with Donghyuck in front of him, but that was still the sealing deal in his head.
The sharpest blow that could have been aimed at him, like a punch to the gut. When their lips locked it was like hearing it from Chenle's very mouth that he didn't want anything to do with him anymore.
Perhaps that's just what it was — perhaps Chenle was just too tired of waiting for him, but he couldn't tell him that he didn't have any other choice. He couldn't tell him that there was no possibility for them to be together now, because he had been a coward and taken too long.
If Chenle had moved on and found someone new and better, Renjun should have been happy for him, but he couldn't help it when he lost his mind over it, when he couldn't stop questioning why.
Why was this happening?
He stood up from where he was laying almost lifelessly on the bed and made his way over to the bathroom, wishing to wash away the dried tear tracks on his face and in turn drown out all the voices inside of his head telling him how things could have been better.
On his way, he passed a picture of his mother that he'd put up when he'd first arrived to Korea and he stopped, let a a single breath fill in to his lungs before he knocked it over and let it shatter against the cold laminate of the floor. The shards of glass that splayed around pierced through the thin skin of his exposed feet, but he couldn't feel the pain — couldn't even hear the crunch they made as he stepped over them, or see the blood that dotted the ground in his wake.
Renjun didn't blame Donghyuck for what was happening, Renjun didn't blame Donghyuck's father either; Renjun blamed that woman instead, the one who had given birth to him and made him suffer the most.
He'd never been important to her, simply one of the many pawns she used to rule her kingdom and keep her riches. Yet, he couldn't fight against her when she blackmailed him into letting go of Chenle and moving on to Donghyuck.
The blood inside of him pulled too strongly and maybe that was why he had no problem with it leaving him right now.
He couldn't even tell him the truth, lying and saying he didn't love him.
He can't believe he let himself do that.
He can't believe he broke Chenle's heart.
So when they fought and Chenle slapped him hard across his cheek, he held the pain inside of him and let it grow because Chenle wouldn't ever do more than that and he felt like he deserved to hurt for what he had done. He let it brew until it was strong enough to make him feel as though he'd been beaten black and blue, to the point where his knees buckled every time he tried to stand and the tears stained permanent on his eyes.
Sometimes, he wanted to turn back and make things right like they had once been. Sometimes that feeling was weak and sometimes, like how it was now, that feeling was stronger than the cascade of a waterfall and the jaws of a panther.
It was eating him alive and knowing that Chenle was leaving soon made it all worse.
The water hit his face like a wave and he let the coldness come over him, window wide open in a darkness that seemed too small to contain the steady beat of his pulse. The tap stayed on as Renjun looked into the mirror, clear droplets dripping down his chin and neck as he stared unblinkingly at the person he saw on the other side, someone that was far from who he used to be.
It dawned on him fully then and he slammed his hand down harshly on the pristine ceramic of the basin, shoulders slumping with no energy to keep himself up.
Chenle was leaving soon.
Chenle was leaving.
If he had been holding on for dear life all this time, then now was the moment he finally let go.
And if the world heard his tired screams, so be it, the world wouldn't try to help him anyway, the ground was his grave just as much as the sky was his solace; he stayed trapped within the merciless death that life had bloomed to be.
When the water stopped flowing, Renjun had already drowned in its depths, submerged in a cold that chilled him to the bone and all with Chenle's name on his mind.
YOU ARE READING
always ↬ leading me on || l.dh • h.rj • z.cl
Fanfiction❝You're hurting me.❞ In which Renjun finds his heart torn between a past and present love.
