Night Shift [h.s]

thirteen

☁️ ALANNAH ☁️

There had been so much panic running through me recently, that I hadn't felt myself in probably over a week now. I wasn't sleeping properly, I wasn't eating properly, I wasn't focused or relaxed. How could I when anxiety was coursing through my veins like a wildfire? It's almost like I was just waiting for something to happen, just waiting for the bomb to drop, just waiting for reality to hit me.

Every time I closed my eyes, it's like this nightmare was just staring me in the face, haunting every inch of my dreams as well as my thoughts. Every time I go to eat, I feel so sick that I just can't stomach a bite. The anxiety was taking over me. My thoughts were clouded, my vision was blurry, I didn't even know what was going on at the moment. I just felt so lost within life, so confused and in a way I suppose I was quite frustrated too. I don't know why this just had to happen to me. I don't know why a storm had to come and rain above my life and ruin whatever peace I had created.

I wasn't sure what I had done to deserve this feeling. It wasn't nice, it didn't make me feel warm and safe inside. It made me feel alike a whirlwind. And whilst Harry often thought he was helping by asking me about a million times a day if I really was okay or if I needed help or to see a doctor, it really wasn't helping. I think the last thing I needed right now was to see a doctor.

A doctor was the whole reason I was in this mess in the first place.

"You need to get yourself together" I mutter to myself, pacing up and down the locker room with my hands at my mouth, nibbling at my freshly painting nails that Harmony had just treated me to.

Hiding this all from her was a mammoth task in itself. She was smart enough to know that something was going on, and she too had been asking me constantly if I was okay or if was feeling sad. You can't quite tell a four year old that your biggest fear had come true and you had no idea what to do or where to go from here. Keeping it from my family, Grace and my parents, was quite possibly just that tiny bit harder than keeping it from Harmony. With Harmony, I could tell her I was fine and she'd just shrug her shoulders and go and play with her toys, but with my parents and Grace, they had a hard time letting up.

Grace was specifically on my case every hour of the day, much like Harry, it was almost as if Grace and Harry had formed some kind of allegiance against me and that they were working together to try and get under my skin and figure out what was my issue. I wouldn't let up, not yet at least. I needed to figure this out for myself first.

She had joked at one point, asking me when I got home from work if I was 'pregnant or something'. She said it so lightly, yet my stomach had completely dropped with the fear of my reality settling in.

I didn't feel pregnant, it wasn't something that I necessarily felt. I didn't feel like myself, sure, but I didn't feel like I had a baby growing within me. I was putting everything down to my own exhaustion, the headaches, the back aches, the mood swings and emotions. It was purely all just because I hadn't been sleeping well, it was all because Harry had been taking up every corner of my mind. That was all.