look after you × winterwidow & oc

V. you're free

march 2017

A small log engulfed in flames cracked, sending a bunch of sparks into the night sky. The crackling of fire and chirping of crickets were the only sounds in the otherwise quiet forest. Not even the rustle of trees. The night was completely windless. As if even nature itself was curious.

"You shouldn't be here," James said, glaring at the flames.

"We've talked about this," Natasha replied. She sat by his side, looking at his side profile, illuminated by the fire.

"Go home, you should be with Katya."

"She's a big girl, she'll be fine for one night."

"I won't let you hurt anyone." Ayo reminded. She stood a few feet away, giving them an illusion of privacy but they knew she was keeping watch.

"And I can take care of myself." Natasha smiled softly at him, but he didn't react, eyes still fixed on the bonfire.

It took a long discussion, that by miracle only didn't turn into a fight, to convince James to let Natasha go with him, to put him and Shuri's work to one last test. This time using the trigger words. He visibly tensed up each time it was as much as mentioned, so the sole suggestion of Natasha accompanying him was met with a firm no.

Shuri and some of the medical staff that had taken care of James for the past few days believed that having someone he trusted, loved even near could be beneficial, but the fear and sudden doubts that grew with each moment that day came closer, took over his mind, clouding his judgment. He didn't want to hurt anyone, ever again. Not even by accident. Repeated assurance that whoever would go with him would be safe didn't do much. At the same time, James wanted Natasha near, no other person came close to the amount of comfort his Natalia could bring him, even in the darkest of places. But if he hurt her, he believed there would be no more comfort for him. Not only there wouldn't be someone who could grant it to him, but he wouldn't be worthy of it anymore.

And seeing him now, observing his expression and body language, Natasha was taken back to Bucharest, the night after they were reunited. When she woke him up from a nightmare and he almost strangled her to death, sleep blurring the line between him and the Soldier. How looked like a child, not a grown man, how he squeezed himself into the corner of the room, trying to blend into the wall, so ashamed and terrified of himself. Now he looked the same, only the Wakandan wilderness offered him no place to hide. Natasha suspected that it also was common sense, that even buried deep under all the fear and anxiety, made him realize it was inevitable. And could be a start to a new chapter. A clean slate.

"Begin," Ayo instructed. The head of her spear clutched in her hand, pointing at the starry sky, reflected the flames.

Natasha nodded and reached for James' hand to squeeze it reassuringly one more time. Once again, no reaction from him.

"Zhelaniye."

She felt terrible saying the first word. She knew she could've given that work to someone who wouldn't care, for sure not as much as she would. But a part of her felt like it was the right way. There was no chance in the world that he would ever associate these words with something good, but this was a turning page. Natasha was the one to help him out of hell. The first person in decades who extended a hand to him, for him to hold, not to slap him. The first one to give him hope of any kind. She became his light in the darkness, his lighthouse that led him out and kept him from sinking.

So she was also the one to lead him to the shore. To the end of that nightmare of a journey.

"Rhzhavyy."