Doctor Hanahaki

I can't be your friend, can't be your lover. [5]

Bokuto was 18 when it happened.

Bokuto was putting the volleyballs away after practice when he finally admitted it to himself. There was a boy who he adored with his entire being, from the way he twiddled his fingers as a pastime to the half-smirk he would give their opponents across the net, and how he made Bokuto's day so much brighter by simply being present. Bokuto did not hate to admit it, knowing fully well it was nothing but the truth. He was in love with his setter, his vice-captain, his world.

More so, it appeared Bokuto hated how long it took for him to realize his feelings for Akaashi.

He remembers the words he told Akaashi vividly, words now laced with regret and sorrow. I'm not going to date anyone until I'm retired. He remembers, as he locked up the club room and started making his way home alone. That was the last night Akaashi was healthy, without the mysterious disease people called Hanahaki. That was the last night Bokuto saw Akaashi's real smile.

Bokuto was not sure how much in love he was with Akaashi. He loved Akaashi with all his heart! He also loved volleyball, and his mom, and barbecue! He also remembers loving a cartoon he watched when he was younger, though he would not say he loved it like all the others. He loved Akaashi, present tense. He loved that cartoon, past tense.

He hoped to whatever god was up in the sky, that he would never say he loved Akaashi, past tense.

God, if Akaashi were here, he would make these feeling so much easier to understand. Bokuto thought to himself as he opened the door to his home to change. He could go see Akaashi, or whatever was left of the former Fukurodani setter at the hospital. Akaashi was still with him.

A pit of worry filled Bokuto's stomach as he came to terms with his crush. Did he like Akaashi or did he love Akaashi? Did he love Akaashi enough to love-love him? What was the difference between like-liking someone and love-loving someone? Why couldn't Akaashi just get better?

Why am I afraid?

Bokuto changed into a new shirt and pants, bringing with him a friendship bracelet making kit his sisters never used. He would put it to much better use than either of them ever would. Bokuto had to be strong for Akaashi, because in this moment, Akaashi needed a friend to stand by.

There it was; that's why he was afraid.

Bokuto had concluded this as he asked the receptionist for a visitor sticker. Akaashi was at a pivotal moment in his life, a moment which could change everything. Akaashi needed a support system, Akaashi deserved a support system. Akaashi deserved a best friend to hold him when he was coughing petals, recovering from surgeries, running on low oxygen.

Bokuto dwelled on the emails and calls filling up his phone. Scouts from colleges and teams wanted to recruit Bokuto as a player for a hefty paycheck, one he and his family could only imagine. It was his dream slowly coming true, everything he had ever worked for was just within reach. Bokuto could almost smell it, the air in professional gyms while playing with top volleyball players in the country, the world! Busy practices from dawn till dusk, team dinners and dives at the bar. A busy life, his dream.

That's why he was afraid. Akaashi deserved someone who was going to be there for him, and Bokuto was slowly coming to terms with the fact that the special person needed to be there, and he couldn't. Bokuto loved/liked Akaashi (he still couldn't decide which one), but he couldn't. Akaashi Keiji was a crush, not the love of his life. One day, they would both find someone else to love.

He never wanted to hurt Akaashi.

Bokuto took a deep breath, plastering a cheerful smile on his face as he walked in the hospital room. Opening his mouth to give his signature greeting, he stopped as he saw Akaashi with a breathing mask rather than just the tubes he had grown used to over the past few months. Akaashi waved him over as Bokuto sat down on the edge of the bed, mentioning the friendship bracelets.