corpse bride ;; gender swap

chapter 5

the tall man says to the behemoth ''please, she's just arrived'' the behemoth reluctantly pulls his hand away from me. the man turns back to me, and then his left eyeball pops out, revealing maggot again, who addresses the townsfolk, he says ''we saw the whole wedding. it was romantic!'' then the black widow emerges behind the maggot. the black widow speaks again ''she reminds me of my 3rd, 7th, 24th and 63rd husbands.'' the maggot questions ''before you ate them?'' the maggot adds on by saying ''there was one thing missing, though. he forgot to kiss the bride'' i stand there wide eyed looking at the man who giggles, slightly embarrassed. he just looks at me with his head tilted. gradually, the entire crowd begins to chant ;; ''kiss her! kiss her!'' the man slowly walks up to me, gently grabbing my waist, pulling me into him... i feel something in his pocket...? hopefully not what i think it is... with his hand, he tilts my head upward, leaning in, he presses his lips to mine.

...i can take no more. my spindly legs buckle as i faint.

pub (the land of the dead) ;;

later --

my eyes slowly open. a huge, blurry skull floats in front of me, filling my field of vision. as it slowly comes into focus, i see it's not a huge skull after all. it's the forms of a crowd leaning over me, silhouetted against the light. the tall man leans over me. ''are you alright darling?''

several skeletons help me into a chair as i look around in wide-eyed horror. i see that i'm in... a pub of some kind. green flames flicker in the fireplace, casting shadows along the crazily tilting walls. rib-like beams rise toward the ceiling. dark figures move through the crowded room and gypsy-like music fills the smoky air. coffin-shaped shelves behind the bar are filled with odd and ancient-looking bottles. paul, the head waiter, pokes his head into frame and says to me ''Have a drink, dear girly. it'll calm your nerves'' a glass slides toward me. i'm horrified to see that paul the head waiter is in fact, only a head. a swarm of beetles have emerged from the stump of his neck and scurry across the bar, pushing the glass towards me... paul says to the tall man ''mon bon homme, where have you been hiding yourself? it's been ages!'' i watch as the beetles quickly return, carrying paul off to serve his next customer. as the tall man chats merrily away, i scan the room. a group of skeletons and corpses play billiards in a far corner. nearby, a dead gentleman sits puffing his pipe, as double smoke rings blow from his eye holes. wellington, a tall, ragged skeleton, dressed in the remains of a military uniform, has a cannonball hole in his chest, i watch him as he plays chess with a dead dwarf, also clad in the tattered remains of a uniform, with a large sword thrust through his breastbone. i move my gaze to a hanged man, noose still around his neck, plays darts with a few other corpses. another rotting corpse sits near the dartboard, reading the newspaper, oblivious to the occasional dart landing in his head. i wince at the sight. at one end of the room is a small stage, where a band of skeletons are playing on bizarre instruments made from salvaged scraps and bits of bone.

mrs plum, the cook, is a rotting, blue-skinned old lady surrounded by a cloud of flies. she pushes a cart between the tables, serving soup from a large tureen. as she ladles it out, her jawbone drops into the bowl. it's all a bit much for me. i take a gulp of my drink. i then see my chance. i run to grab the sword in the dead dwarfs back, and i wave it around, clearing a space in the shocked crowd. the sword still has the dead dwarf general attached. the band stops playing. i try to act tough, but my terror is evident to everyone. my hands shake. i yell ''keep away! i've got a... dwarf? and i'm not afraid to use him! i want some questions! now!'' wellington tells me ''answers. i think you mean answers'' i nod ''oh! yes, thank you, yes, answers! i need answers. why am i here? who is he? what is he?''

the house lights dim, leaving a single spotlight hitting the stage, where bonejangles, front-man for the skeletons, steps forward and says ''since you're askin'... (snaps his fingers) hit it, boys!'' the skeletons launch into a lively number, where the crowd sings along, pounding their glasses on the bar to keep time.

bonejangles starts to sing ;;

''give a listen --''

''you corpses who still have an ear, to the song of the man we all hold so dear''

''a man whose beauty was known far and wide who'd soon become known as our lovely -- corpse groom!''

all sing lustily ;;

''die, die, we all pass away, our beautiful groom's the remains of the day''

bonejangles continues to sing ;;

''he sat in his coach,
with his fine diamond brooch
and rode through the woods where
the robbers would hide..
to get at the bangle the poor man was strangled!
sad was the day he became the -- corpse groom!''

all sing robustly ;;

''breath, breath, they choked out his breath,
the groom's wedding day was the
day of his death!''

wellington takes a verse ;;

''he fell in that spot and in no time he went rotten.
the loam was his home and he cried -- cried -- how he cried!
for what woman would have hid this lonely cadaver? never a groom but always a bestman''

all sing ;;

''die, die, we all have to die, a toast to the man who's got mud in his eye!''

dead dwarf takes a verse ;;

''he swore on his grave that he'd someday find love,
who would have guessed it would come from above?
after many long years with worms in the soil, today's when anna is getting the spoils!''

all lustily sing ;;

''anna, anna, let's hear it for anna!''

i say ''pardon me, fellows, i'm going to be sick...''

the hanged man takes a verse ;;

''as a husband he'll be perfect,
no worries 'bout that! he'll never get older,
he'll never get fat!
he can't get much colder,
who wouldn't like that?''

mrs plum sings for a moment ;;

''would you mind for a moment, removing your hat?''

then mrs plum smacks the hanged man with the soup ladle. i gasp.

then suddenly maggot pops out of the tall man's eye socket.

the maggot chants ;;

''first comes love, then comes buried!
rigor. mortis, then you're married!''

bonejangles then starts again ;;

''today there is laughter
throughout the hereafter
in his tomb in the gloom
there's a bride by his side!''

all then sing again ;;

''and so then in closing
as we keep decomposing
things turned out quite well for
the lovely -- corpse groom!''

the pub is swirling with activity as the dead dance and laugh.

the song ends. the tall man plants a big kiss on my lips. i'm absolutely stunned...

''what the hell is happening...?!'' i mutter to myself