Dahlia

Love

Our boat ride tour guide told us that there's a boat that pulls out bikes from the canals everyday, and that year, they pulled out over 18,000 bikes. In just one year. Isn't that crazy? It was just so nice that Jared and I had that time together. Him and I were stuck like glue when strolling around the city. It was very romantic. And then, we went to the Van Gogh museum! It was beautiful and perfect. Jared pulled out his camera and took many, many pictures. And then we spent about €50 each at the store inside. We bought both of our kids some things. And then Jareds mom a print of her favorite painting plus a tote bag of it! And we got her a shirt. We love Jareds mom. And then we had dinner on a bridge over the canal. It was getting late and...I decided not to get drunk.

"I thought we made a deal? I mean, it's fine if you don't. I just want everything to be fair." Jared explained. The lights of the city and the dark sky reflecting on the water made him look even more beautiful.

"I just want to be with you, and soak all of this in. I love you so much." I told him, "being drunk isn't the best thing about this city to me. It's you and me spending our time here together." I said. He teared up a little and we bent in for a kiss. That's when someone walked by.

"That was beautiful." She said. We looked over at her with a smile.

"Im sorry for eves dropping but everything you just said was beautiful, and then the kiss was perfect. It's make a great photo." She explained. So we had her take photos! One of us just looking at each other, and another of us kissing. We thanked her and finished up dinner.

"I love you. This place is awesome and I just love you. I love that we did this." Jared told me as we were sitting at a bench.

"I love you too. So much. More than anything. You're my perfect person." I told him, kissing his cheek. When it got late enough and our feet began to hurt, we walked back to the train station and took it to our air bnb. This time, we cuddled in bed until we fell asleep. The next morning, we sat outside and stared at the country side. We packed up and Jared made a small breakfast. We then cleaned up and called an Uber. We then got to the real train station and got to our train. It was really comfortable and him and I just cuddled and watched movies. I love him so much. I wish he didn't die, but obviously, I can't do anything about it.

We felt like teenagers again on that train. We cuddled, kissed, and then he went and got us some drinks. After about another hour, we finally got to Paris. We ubered to our NICE Airbnb. It was awesome. 3 bedroom apartment with a big kitchen and living room. 2 bathrooms and a shower in one of the rooms! And it was on the 3rd floor. And we were next to the Louvre, and in a place that's kinda like a China town but it was Japanese, Korean, and Vietnamese. So Jared was in heaven. Him and I went to the market right across the street, it was a Japanese and Korean market.

"I haven't had these since I was a kid! I have to bring some home, holy shit!" He exclaimed as he grabbed some candy off of the shelf. It was cute seeing him like that. And then we left to go see the Eiffel tower. We got to go up into the tower and view the city! And then we got down and got on our small cruise that goes on the Seine and shows the city and important landmarks. We kissed so much. I loved it. We were cuddling and kissing, sharing food. Eating crepes and drinking wine. I love Jared so much.

Paris was amazing. He even let me fuck the life out of him one of the nights. And then, we went to the louvre. Seeing the Mona Lisa in real life was unbelievable. And I was in tears reading some of the stories in the paintings. And then, I know this is weird, but we went to Disneyland, Paris. I KNOW, we were full adults with no kids with us. We just went alone. By then, we had already taken Elle and Jun to Disneyland. But we wanted to try this out when we had the chance.

Disneyland was sort of a blur. We did have a lot of fun, but without having the joy of children with you, it's not as fun. But like I said, we still had a lot of fun together. It was healing our inner child. We both didn't have the best childhood, they weren't like, BAD, but we grew up way too fast. My mom leaving after all the arguments and yelling between my parents, my sister leaving, me fighting with my sexuality and ending up getting a girl pregnant, and then I immediately had to grow up to be a dad at 13-14. It was... horrible. Now that I think about it.... And then my mom died.

And then there was Jared. He was always the forgotten one. Harry had a lot freedom because of his age, all of the attention was on Farid because of his autism, and Erin was favored for being the only girl. Jared did get attention, but it would go away quickly. And then his dad started being an asshole. And although his mom would always have her arms out to help Jared, his dads abuse was horrible. Plus, he had a massive crush on me, and I kept hurting him over and over again from me dating people. And then the cherry on top, was Lily kidnapping and raping him.

So being able to be together at a place like this, it was refreshing. We went on the phantom mansion ride, pirates of the Caribbean, Pinocchio, Star Wars, spider man, Tower of Terror, and a few more. I did get a lot of benefits because I'm a celebrity, and still, people were obsessed over me when they realized I was there, but I had to start ignoring because this is supposed to be a break for Jared and I to be together.

"I don't think you should ignore them... they love you and just wanna see you." He told me.

"Well, they can do that at my concerts. I'm here with you." He explained. Anyways, after Disneyland was done, we went back to the air bnb, and fucked again. Then the next day, we left to Luxembourg on a train again! We only spent one day, and then left. We saw the Notre dame cathedral and then left back to our Airbnb there. Then we went back to Germany. We went out to eat with Nabi and his family, then the next day we went to Stuttgart for Oktoberfest. Oktoberfest was fucking amazing. We got so fucking drunk with Nabi and his wife, and we were dancing on the benches of the tables, and we kept drinking beer non stop. It was so much fun. And if you know us, we get pretty horny when we're drunk, so our hands were all over each other. I kept grabbing his ass as we sang and danced, and he would do the same. And then we would kiss.

Anyways, about 12 am was when we left. We Ubered back. The next day, we met my sister in laws family. They were all so sweet and made us a feast. Then the next day, we left. We had an overlay in Denmark again, and then we had the 10 hour flight back home. He fell asleep on me, it was so cute. He didn't wake up for a good 3 hours until we hit some turbulence and we had to put our seatbelts on, so I had to wake him up. When we got home finally after a 25 hour way back, we laid in bed and stayed in bed for as long as we could. We had jet lag and it was bad. But Junji would keep jumping in bed with us since he missed us.

"Daddy! Daddy! I missed you guys!" He screamed as he would swirl around in bed. God, I miss that. I miss being with Jared. I miss being a family with Jared. I miss him so much. It hurts. I wish I could give him one last hug, one last kiss, one last fuck...

I wanna touch his body again. His face, his waist, and god I need him again. I miss his sex. I miss his fucking body. I know this is gross, but that's how we bonded. He got raped multiple times, and he trusted me with his body. He trusted me to do him right. And I miss it. And then he was the first to top me, ever. I miss the way HE treated me, during and after. I miss the way his fingers felt on my skin, the way his lips felt, and definitely his manhood. This is the grief I don't see a lot of people talk about. But it's definitely there. When someone you love like that dies, you'll miss everything about them, even the sex. And fuck... that's when you realize you'll never get it again. Obviously, it's not what I miss most, but I haven't had any action in a year. And if you know anything about male anatomy, we should be ejaculating 2-4 times A WEEK. Or else we could get prostrate cancer.

Obviously, my hand can do the job if I wanted to, but I haven't been able to bring myself to do anything like that since he died, but it's whatever. I miss him. He's been dead for almost 3 months now. Crazy, right? My grieving classes don't help much, and I'm still laying in bed all the time crying over it. My classes are all online, but I don't really ever go to them, which pisses off my dad. But then, I got a message from my moms side of the family.