Not That Interested

Chapter 46: The One With Old Timey Wedding

"WAKE UP LAZY ASS BRIDE!" Adiba yells at me from the door she just kicked open. She thrusts a coffee mug at me before I can even open my mouth in protest. My Ma and Kulsoom Nani stride in after my best friend. I am showered with a dizzying mix of prayers, instructions and tearful sobs.

"Did you put onion paste on your hair like I told you? Eh, girl?" The dragon scrutinizes my rebellious waves with a scowl. "Your future husband won't tolerate that atrocity."

"I'm sure he'll have to deal with the atrocity, because it'll be a cold day in hell when I put onion paste anywhere near my hair." I retort back, jumping up to extricate Simba from nosing around in the designer boxes holding my wedding dress.

"Hmmph. Ayesha your daughter will make one hell of a bride." She puffs up proudly at my boldness. I roll my eyes as Ma laments about my hopelessness. The more uncensored I am, the more Kulsoom Nani likes me. Crazy old lady.

My hands and feet are covered in henna, which has to be washed off. Adiba is crazy about henna designs, but I just don't get the appeal. It stinks, and happens to be a pain in the ass to remove. Perks of being a desi bride I guess.

Ali pops his head in my room, and drops a bombshell on all of us.

"The Nikah will take place in half an hour. Get decent all of you."

"Whaaattt?" I screech from the toilet, halfway through scrubbing off henna.

"The Qazi Saab, who will do Shehzer's end of the Nikah, has to go somewhere else in the evening, so we decided to move it up. Now move fatty, MOVE." He barely dodges the slipper Ma tosses at him for teasing me.

My heart is pounding like crazy. I know it's just a paper, and a few words, but they will legally bind me to Shehzer for life. This is it.

Half an hour later, I am swathed in a big chaddar (shawl), surrounded by sniffing females, and impatient males from my family. My Dad's brother, Uncle Hassan is the appointed lawyer. I fidget nervously, heart in my throat as he details my Mehr (financial rights accorded to a woman by her husband), and other marital rights.

" ...Mina Amin, Aap ka nikah Shehzer Humayun Khan say kia jaraha hay. Kia aap ko qubool hay?"

(...Mina Amin, do you accept Shehzer Humayun Khan as your wedded husband?)

EMV, the bloody bitch that she is, decided to take over; "Shehzer HUMAYUN??? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? He has a terrible middle name! Why didn't I know about this? This is unacceptable! That's it, No DEAL!"

I am so flustered by this information, I forgot to answer my uncle. I can't see my family through the veil, but I hear nervous murmurings at the lack of reply. Adiba's voice is suddenly near to my ear, "Say something you idiot!" she growls at me.

I hear my Mom whisper from the other side, "It's okay to be scared sweetheart. Just say Allah's name, and you'll feel better." she even recites a couple of Quranic verses in my ear, urging me to repeat after her.

I almost giggle at this. I'm not scared at all. His horrendously heavy name just scared me for a bit. I wordlessly wait for my uncle to repeat the question again, trying my best not to laugh hysterically when his full name was called out once more. Finally, something unattractive about him. Haha.

"Qu-Qubool hay. (I accept)" I choke out with a barely suppressed snort. I feel Adiba and Mom's reassuring pats on my back as the question is repeated three times. After the deed is done, my Dad, Ali and other uncles move towards the masjid (mosque) where Shehzer's end of the ceremony will take place.