The Panic Pure

Chapter Seven

Danny was both relieved to see Marshal that night and more nervous than he'd been since the first time they'd had dinner together. It was just one of those times when he could feel the words stuttering in his mouth and he didn't seem to know what to do with his hands, so he kept knotting them together in front of himself to hide their tremble.

"What's going on with you tonight?" Marshal finally asked, having noticed that Danny was acting strangely.

It was with a heavy sigh that Danny pushed away his dessert plate, the slice of raspberry cheesecake left largely untouched. "We need to talk," he said.

Marshal cocked his head. "About what?"

"About what we're doing here," Danny said.

Marshal went completely still, a little of the color draining from his face. "What do you mean?"

"I just... I just..." Danny chewed on his lip nervously. "I was thinking that you were my friend."

"I am your friend," Marshal said.

Danny shook his head. "No, you are my friend, but it was pointed out to me that you were something more. I know that you... you like me, and I... I like you too."

Marshal looked as though part of him wanted to smile, but he was still too worried about what was coming next.

"I don't want you to realize that you're wasting your time with me. I mean, I don't want you to spend all your time and effort on me, only to realize when it's too late that I'm not really what you want." Danny looked down at the tabletop, unable to meet Marshal's eyes. "I know that I have issues, it's kind of one of the biggest things about me. Things happened in my past and I didn't exactly deal with them well, but I've spent most of my life trying to get beyond all that. Being able to like you is something of a success for me because it shows that I'm actually making progress with my intimacy issues. But I'm still not to the point where I'm ready to do some things."

"That's all right," Marshal said. "I'm willing to wait as long as you need."

Danny smiled thinly. "You say that now, but I don't know if you've quite realized how long it could be. I don't even know how long it could be. I just know that sometimes I get so afraid I can't even breathe or there's some places my mind doesn't even let me go." He drew in a shuddery breath. "I don't want you to end up resenting or hating me because you've spent your whole life waiting for something I just can't give you."

Marshal's chair made a scraping sound as he stood up. He walked around the table to kneel down at Danny's side, his hand reaching out, but not quite touching him before resting on the arm of the chair next to Danny's elbow. "I promise you that I will be happy with whatever you are able to give me. As long as you're trying to meet me halfway, even if things never get to the point where... well, you know... I will still be happy just to spend time with you and to be able to talk to you everyday."

"But I..."

Marshal held up his hand. "I'm nearly thirty years old and you're the first person in my life that I have ever felt such a deep connection to. I know it's kind of hokey, but I believe in soul mates and I believe I've met mine. So if we're not ever able to be completely physically intimate, well, me and my left hand have been close friends for a while now and I don't think I really mind keeping up that relationship as long as I get to see you everyday too."

A watery smile pulled at Danny's lips. "I just..." he sighed miserably. "I hate that I'm so fucked up. I try so hard to hold myself together, but it's like every part of me is full of cracks and things just kind of seep out."

Moving slowly, like he was facing down a wild animal, Marshal carefully laid his hand on Danny's knee. He didn't clamp down or anything, just placed his hand there gently, his fingers flat and his touch light enough that Danny could pull away with no trouble. "I'm going to be honest and say that I have no idea about what all kinds of things you're dealing with. I know that terrible things happened with your parents, but I have definitely gotten the feeling that deeper things have gone on with you. I'm not going to press you about any of that. I just want you to know that if--when--you're ready to talk, I'll be ready to listen."