Shameless - lestappen

11- If the World was Ending

It was easier to avoid his polar gaze.

"Is everything all right?

- Yes, of course, why? I answer quickly, embarrassed.

- Your heart is beating very fast.

I feel my cheeks warm intensely and my gaze glides over my torso, noticing Verstappen's hand, placed exactly at the level of my heart.

- It's nothing, everything's fine."

But my face is red with embarrassment and my reaction did not escape the Dutchman who smiled slightly and nodded his head before detaching himself from me.

"Thank you, Charles."

I'm not answering anything, I don't know what to say.

After a while, he finally breaks the silence.

"You'd better go back to sleep with Pierre.

I'm nodding.

- Yeah, you're probably right...

- Bye then ...

- Yeah, bye."

I leave my room with my heart beating at an alarming rate.

***

GP Barcelona 2022 - race day

Two weeks ago, after I left my hotel room to join my friend's room, I couldn't close my eyes all night.

I remained motionless in bed, my hand resting on my chest, feeling my heart beating under my fingers in a new way.

I felt so many strong emotions that night, when he was in my arms.

I was caught off guard. It had been so long that I had not felt an emotion as strong as my hatred or resentment that inhabit me every day.

I felt a more powerful emotion. A desire to protect, to defend, it took me suddenly, without realizing it.

Even though I haven't seen the Dutchman since that night, he is in every thought.

I'm worried about him, I want to make sure he's okay. My feelings scare me.

I spent the whole weekend avoiding Verstappen.

It worked pretty well and we didn't talk about what happened two weeks ago.

I still caught myself watching him from afar, trying to read on his face or his physical language if something was wrong.

Trying to capture an emotion that might help me understand how he's doing.

But I don't really know him, not even at all in reality. So obviously even though I spent my time trying to decipher his behavior, finding a clue, anything unusual, I didn't see anything. He stayed true to himself all weekend.

He didn't even look at me, completely ignoring me.

It was as if he had never come to me, tears in his eyes, telling me that he had nowhere else to go.

It's probably for the best.

The best way for me to focus on the race and get the rest out of my head, get him out of my head.