Unbecoming

Fears and Feelings

Phoebe left me to sleep in her room for a couple hours, deciding that trying to get me to move any further to where I slept in the guest room was futile, since I was still slightly buzzed but not to the point where I was unable to think or do anything.

I let myself lay awake for a few minutes though, thinking about everything that happened today and try to focus my thoughts on the space around me instead.

It was a rented flat, the three were only here for a couple months for whatever reason so it was cheap and small but homey nonetheless.
Though having few elements of personalisation you could very clearly tell the place was Phoebe's, there were books strewn about, tarot cards stacked tidily on the bedside table, clothes littering the floor in neat piles, photo frames and polaroids on the desk in the far corner with images of a dog, her friends and family and other small pieces of her life and the bed adorned a childlike, matching space themed comforter and pillow case set. It was a foreign sight to me but it was nice.

I breathed in deep and remembered a much darker room. Empty to the point it could very well be classed as a prison cell: walls lined with torn wallpaper; a broken door that offered no privacy; punched in walls, rotten with age and anger; blinds that were so destroyed there was no point in closing them. But everything was different here.

I could move forward now. I didn't have to be afraid anymore. I didn't have to listen for the drunken footsteps of my father anymore. I didn't have to block my bedroom door at night with a chair that was hardly a chair. I didn't have to hide how I felt in fear of what he'd do to me if I showed any sign of being weak.

I could finally live and yet I still felt stuck in that same place.

I was still afraid. I was still closed off. I was still hesitant in human conection. I was still broken - and I had absolutely no idea how to fix myself.

With thoughts of anxiety crawling throughout my half awake mind I finally felt the long awaited fatigue pull me in to a restless sleep.

-

Sirens sounded somewhere far off as you come too in the rubble of what you vaguely remember to be a large building, of what you don't quite recall but the hazy memories of it sit in the back of your mind. The why's and how's of what exactly it was you were doing here lingering somewhere in the distraught panic of what you can now see through blurred vision as pure chaos.

People were screaming and running in all direcrions. Smoke consumed and suffocated the air around you. Children wailed and cried out for help under fallen debris of bricks and metal but you could do nothing. Your body stayed frozen in shock, in fear, as an uneasy dread spilt through every part of you, cradling you.

You faintly hear the call of your own name.

"Mom?" The voice you think is your own comes out hoarse and unfamiliar, "Mom where are you?" A choked sob racks your body violently and a warm pain vibrates through your bones. You're hurt. You don't know how badly or where but you feel the sudden sensation of being picked up and off the floor. A limb falls limply beside you and you see it is your own, tired and bruised and cut up. Another sob falls from your lips, you hear your name again.

"Raene?"

And again.

"Raene."

And again.

-

"Raene!" I shoot up from the bed drenched in sweat and breathing heavily, my hand clasped to my chest in a desperate attempt at opening my lungs for air. I feel a warm hand on my sholder trying to soothe me back on to the bed.

"It's okay, you're okay! It was a bad dream, you're safe." Phoebe's concerned voice rings through my ears.

"No, no my mom. My fault- Left her there. It's all my fault, I-" The words came out fast and breathless, I was still struggling to take air in to my lungs and it felt like fire whenever I managed to.

"Hey, hey calm down. It was not your fault, you hear me? Not your fault." She shushed me softly and pulled me in to her, my body flushed to hers in a way that seemed to become like breathing now.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I sobbed into her chest, apologising both to her and to my mom.

"Stop apologising for things you haven't done wrong, it's okay." She whispered into my hair, combing a hand through it.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I mutter still, half listening to what Phoebe was saying. She says nothing in return, accepting that this is something I needed.

After a few minutes of being held silently in to her I push myself away a bit, staying close but not too close.

"I'm sorry this keeps happening." I whisper in to the silence. "This isn't what you asked for."

She reaches carefully up and tucks a strand of fallen hair behind my ear and lets her palm rest on my cheek. I try my best not to flinch away, instead leaning to the touch. She looks calmly in to my eyes and speaks with determination, "You don't get it.. The day I met you I felt such a strong pull towards you. I saw a lonely, broken girl longing for something to change in her life. I saw myself. And I would want somebody to take a chance on me too. So you can push me and the boys away all you want, you can fight with us and argue with us and refuse any and all help we offer you but we won't give up. Fuck that. You're gonna have to deal with it, like it or not you're stuck with me till you get better." She laughs lightly but I can tell she's 100% serious.

I smile sadly, "All I'm going to do is hurt you, Phoebe. You've known me for a few days and I've already been such a burden. All I do is freak out or panic or hurt myself. You're wasting your time."

"Lifes too short to fucking argue like that. I know you're scared of getting hurt again and letting people in but I promise you that won't happen. You can keep putting yourself down or you can accept that we're here for you, that I'm here for you."

"I feel like we're just running around in circles." I sigh.

"Maybe we are. Doesn't hurt to keep trying though." She shrugs and lets her hand fall back in to her lap.

"I'm telling you this will only end badly Phoebe."

"And I'm telling you that I'm waiting for that day to come."

With that the conversation is seemingly over, Phoebe stands up and turns the light off that was aparently turned on when she came in, though I hadn't noticed through everything.

"What are you doing?" I asked as she got in to the bed next to me.

"We're going to sleep. You still look shattered and I'm not leaving you alone like this. You can stay as far from me as you want but you're not gonna be alone." I didn't comment or fight it, she, was right in saying I was still shattered so I just turned over and tried to pretend she wasn't there.

In the morning I would find myself cradled in her arms, memories of another nightmare jolting me awake and quickly being calmed and put back to sleep would come back to me and I would simply accept it.

I was scared but I was trying.

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A/N

okay so i may have let the dnd nerd run free in me for this one with the nightmare description but oh well, i hope you enjoyed this chapter!!

feel free to leave comments as I always love reading them and as always, have a good day/night :)