Trusting Desire

Chapter Three

"Roger," Mimi says again, not yelling this time, "this is Mark."

I smile weakly at him, "Hi."

He smiles back but doesn't say anything.

"He needs a place to stay," Mimi continues.

Roger looks me up and down, my face gets hot, and I get the sudden urge to be swallowed whole by the floor. Why did he have to meet me in this outfit?

"Okay," he shrugs.

"Okay, he can move in?" Mimi asks.

"Sure," Roger says, his eyes returning to meet mine.

A few minutes later, I follow Roger upstairs to the third-floor loft and try my best not to stare at his ass. God, why am I acting like such a fucking pervert today.

"So, Mark," Roger says as we start on the next flight of steps, I like the sound of his voice, "Where are you from?"

"Nowhere," I answer. It wasn't that far from the truth. Scarsdale was pretty much nowhere to anyone who didn't live there.

Roger laughed, "Okay, keep your secrets, I guess."

"Sorry–I," I wasn't entirely sure what I would say or why I was apologizing.

"It's okay; I'm just kidding," Roger smiles at me, "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

"Thanks."

Now Roger is the one staring at me, and suddenly I remember what I am wearing, a leather top, almost as tight as the bandages around my chest, and leather underwear, "work uniform," I joke, crossing my arms over my chest.

Roger blushes and turns his face away, "sorry."

"It's okay," I wouldn't care, except I was terrified he would see the bandages and find out I was trans.

When we get to the loft, I look around and place my bookbag on the floor next to the door. The layout was the same as Mimi's two bedrooms to the right of the entrance and a bathroom on the fr left of the loft. The living room and kitchen area made up the middle.

"This is your room," Roger said, pointing to the first door to my right.

I moved my bag into the room, "Uh–could I shower?"

"Of course," Roger led me to a small closet beside the bathroom and handed me a towel.

"Thanks," I said, taking the towel and entering the bathroom.

In the bathroom, I open my book bag and take out my only pair of clothes: a red sweater with a blue stripe across the chest, a pair of jeans, and a hoodie that is way too big for me. I fold them, lay them on the edge of the sink, and hang my towel on the hook on the back of the door. I turn away from the mirror to remove my top. I hate to see my chest wrapped or not. Once my top is off, I begin to remove the bandages. They are torn and dirty. This is the longest I have gone without changing them. Not my most brilliant move seeing as I have open cuts on my chest, but I wasn't going to strip naked in the alleyway to change them,

My chest looks worse than the bandages. The bruises are more prominent and a deeper shade of purple, almost black. At the slightest touch, they send pain through my whole body. The cuts look infected, but I figure I'll be fine as long as I start showering regularly. It's good that I'm getting off the street. I remove the rest of my clothes and turn the shower on, feeling the water with my hand until it gets warm enough. Once under the water, I take a deep breath and sigh. Being under the warm water is the best I have felt in a long time.

I run my hand through my hair. It's getting too long. I need to find my knife and try to cut it again. I run my fingers over my upper arms, feeling the scars from all the cuts I've placed there. I cringe at the feeling and quickly pull my hands away. It's been two days since I last cut. That's the only secret I keep from Mimi. I've never told anyone about the cuts. I used makeup to cover them for the audition last night, but I usually just stick to clothing that reveals as little skin as possible. After a few more minutes of the warm water running over my body, I leave the shower, shivering. I dry off and hang the towel back on the hook. I pull more bandages out of my bag, take a few deep breaths, and I begin to wrap my chest. I wrap as tightly as possible, grinding my teeth in pain as I go over the bruises and cuts. I pull on my sweater, a pair of blue checkered boxers, and my pants. Finishing with my hoodie.