Healed By Honey (The Roys, #3)

Chapter 14 - Play it Unfair

Devina nodded, acknowledging. "Yes, I've seen that clip. I'll be truthful to you. It wasn't really a pretty sight watching you lashing out like that. You were all out there. It definitely looked like you had no restraint over what you were talking. What made you so angry?"

Ritu scoffed and rolled her eyes. "It was a disastrous day of my life."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really."

"Alright. Please continue with what you were saying earlier. How are you feeling these days?"

"I don't know how I'm feeling most of the time. Then...there are times when I'm just confused. I... I feel...I feel exhausted pretending to be okay. Do you know, I can't cry in front of others? It feels like I'm burdening them. Sometimes I feel, if I cry, they'll think I'm weak. My father doesn't want me to be weak. I can't let him down, can I?" She stared at Devina expectantly.

Devina responded softly. "Did your father asked you not to cry?"

"Not really. He just...want to see me... act responsibly."

"Okay. So, you feel like others won't understand the meaning of your tears. Is that right?"

"Yes, exactly." Ritu nodded her head several times. Having someone else say what she felt encouraged her. "They expect so much from me. So, I can't be a burden to them! Can I? You're understanding, right?"

"Yes, definitely."

"But honestly, I'm trying so hard to change myself. I want to be responsible, like my father wants. Like my brothers are. But...but I don't know, I can't seem to do so. Everyone probably thinks I don't try hard enough. But I do! I'm...I'm just tired of failing whenever I try! Just see what happens when I try. I was locked in home for so many days, alone...and when I thought, I can now go out and socialize, things ended in a disaster!" Ritu grimaced before adding quietly, "Sometimes I feel like I don't belong to this world. This place seems too unfair. I question myself often, what am I if I'm not my parents' daughter? Nothing. I'm nothing without them! Nothing! My brothers...at least they've proved themselves worthy. But I-" Ritu stopped abruptly, feeling miserable.

"Has anyone ever compared you to your brothers?" Devina asked after a few seconds.

Ritu shook her head. "No. At least, not in front of me. But...I know. They talk behind my back."

"Okay. Have you cried recently?"

Ritu averted her gaze to the painting on the wall, trying to remember the recent time she cried. "I think, in front of Papa, a week ago."

"But you said, you can't cry in front of others."

"That's true! But after that..." a shiver ran down her spine as she remembered of those traumatizing memories. "...whenever the...memories come, I- I can't...stop. I feel so... helpless during those times."

"Understandable. Please relax now."

Ritu nodded and averted her gaze. Her eyes fell on the diffuser. The thin flames spiraled up slowly. She resumed speaking on her own, "But it's easier to wear the mask. No one needs to know what's going on inside my mind. The emptiness...and the fear...of judgment. They are all covered inside the sky-high walls... I feel... concealing my emotions from myself is the easier way out. It spares me from confronting the internal turmoil. It's the only way I can think of that might help me avoid the struggles. I said earlier that I feel confused. But truthfully, I am just... existing. Cause I'm not sure what I do most of the time. It's... it's excruciatingly difficult to take a damned decision! I feel tired all the damn time. And I... I feel exhausted...dealing with the feelings I don't even...understand. Why is that a thing?"