Dearest Diary

9/2/23

Oftentimes, I go to Barnes & Noble and observe the general public. Of course, By this - it naturally comes off in a way that no one enjoys - the stalkerish kind. Which is hard to diminish the feeling of especially if you're the one doing the observing. As a single woman, I often look at the sea of people and pick out the most aesthetically pleasing. I think of them as eligible bachelors from time to time. As a woman who has taken in too much romantic media, I think about a world in which I am the most mysterious person in this cafe and that many think of me as so alluring. When in reality, I am just a passing face. Just someone a person just so happened to see at their local cafe. They would've thought about how this chick brought her gaming laptop to study with - maybe they thought that I don't know much about electronics, which I don't.

Looking back, I wish I never bought this laptop. It's a gaming laptop and at the time of buying it, I wanted to game often with my boyfriend at the time. But now, I don't play games anymore. Mainly because of the fact that we broke up, but also the fact that I don't have the desire to.

Anywho, there's a woman in front of me. I envy her in an odd sense. A group of what seemed to be old friends went up to her and chatted with her for maybe 20 minutes. She seemed happy as did the group. I occasionally wish I had a group of friends that I could coincidentally bump into. Many times though, I've played this out in my head, and every time I've come to the conclusion that I hate groups. Any group larger than 3 or 4 I greatly detest. But then, another woman approaches the lady in front of me. They chat and sit together, studying with one another.

Now, statistically - how many people do you know just to casually bump into 5 people in a row at this cafe? Of course, I am grateful in an odd way - I've gotten a great deal of work done today and would feel off if I was interrupted by so many people. I suppose it's just the appeal of seeing so many people in one day that I knew - it would be exhilarating in a sense.

Another thing, the more and more as I've grown in age - I believe more and more in string theory. That everyone is connected in some strange way. It makes enough sense to me. The woman in front of me, her friend that she's now studying with. Her name was called for her coffee at the counter, her name is Gabrielle - the name of my sister that I no longer speak to. Sure, you could call it a simple coincidence - but I say that the coincidence itself of being in the same cafe just a table away with her having the same name as my sister that I no longer speak to is enough to say that it's a contributing factor to this theory.

Even if you don't believe in this theory, it's fun to idealize it. Life can be mundane, and thinking in fun ways like this can make things more entertaining. That's for certain.

Lately, I went to a psychic, this is something I do occasionally for fun. They have a 2 for 10 deal at the local night market. She said that in my love life, I'll meet someone soon. In a place where I'm in a routine. She said he'll like sports and I'll know he's the guy she's talking about the moment we begin talking - since it'll be like we've known each other for so long. She made a point to say that I wasn't going to meet him on a dating app. So that was a sense of relief, I'll finally have my meet-cute. All my past partners I've met on dating apps, so meeting someone in person would be a nice change of pace. I think meeting them at Barnes & Noble would be really cute to tell friends how/where we met. She also said that they'll be into sports, which seemed more like a fun fact.

Slowly, I'm realizing that this is becoming less and less of a people-watching session and now just a diary entry. Oh well, what can I say? I have a one-track mind, maybe I'm the unreliable author I see so many people complain about.

Back to business. I notice there are a lot of couples out today. Which inherently makes me feel funny. I sometimes think about if they really look like a couple or more like siblings - like the game online. On Instagram, I think? When people glance at me, the woman sometimes thinks that I'm trying to check out their man. Which I'm not. Little do they know I'm actually dissecting their relationship, trying to figure out their dynamic, and if they treat each other well enough. Back to my first point - I don't mean this in a creepy way, truly. If you grow up as an observer, I feel like you can understand where I come from. Or maybe I'm just bored and other people's love lives are just more entertaining than my own. Especially seeing that It's not exciting as of right now.

I did go on a date yesterday though. It was fine. He was nice, conversation carried on well enough after a while, he paid for everything, and opened all the doors. I just wasn't that attracted to him. His pictures of him online were a couple of years old, and he's just more attractive in older pictures. I don't want to settle for someone I'm not physically attracted to. For the last two years of my life I've settled for someone who didn't show love or affection after 5 months in. I'm not settling, never again.

I started reading a book called "Why Men Love Bitches." It's changed my perspective on dating, primarily because I agree with just about everything. I have definitely been the "Nice Girl" that's described throughout the book - and I have no desire to be her anymore. I want to be able to not be a people pleaser and set down my own boundaries. Which I've been getting better at. Slowly but surely.

I think what helped is when I started placing boundaries, I placed the biggest one - cutting contact off from my mom.

Sometimes I feel envious when I see my friends have good relationships with their moms. Sometimes I feel nothing. Slowly it's been feeling more like nothing, the envy slipping through my fingers. Which is good. Maybe if I had a different mother and under different circumstances, I would maybe even feel jealousy. But it's not that way, my mother is not a saint. She never has been and never tried to be. I like the way things are. I am content with my life, at least for today. At this moment, I am content.

Nevermind.

The envy came back just now in this cafe. Just for a moment, maybe because I was just writing about it. A mother and daughter got a drink at the Starbucks inside. The worker told her to be careful and the daughter nodded and smiled at him. The mother then said, "What do we say?" The daughter thanked him. The two began walking away side by side with their drinks as the mother rubbed her back. Now, let me explain my envy.

My mother wasn't a very affectionate person unless she initiated it, in which I felt rewarded. I was often rewarded for being the "good" kid. The sweet kid. It started off nicely, she would rub my back as a way to show affection. But then I started "developing" more. One time, we were at a birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese - I don't remember exactly but it's not my own birthday. After a couple of seconds of rubbing my back, after we finished singing Happy Birthday to the kid who was in front of the cake - she leaned over and whispered to me, "Why aren't you wearing a bra?" Her tone was pointed, pinching my armpit after as to scold me. It never hurt, but was more uncomfortable.

I'd respond with something like, "I forgot." or "It's uncomfortable." On more bolder days. I realized another thing, a couple months later I was complaining about the size of my chest when I was roughly 11. She told me that I had "Porn star tits." and, "People would pay to have what you do, you should be grateful." It leaves a weird feeling in you after being told this. I still can't describe it exactly. Since then, they only got bigger. It feels like they still get bigger from time to time. Especially when I got on birth control.

Just now, I saw two girls walk up to the cafe and stand in line - but stepped out of line after the customer and worker carried on a conversation for too long. It's funny to see people's cues to leave or stay. The two girls have now left the cafe.

On my phone, I'm playing "House Song", by Searows. I'm not sure what it was but the melody got me thinking about the man the psychic described. I wonder what they'll look like, I wonder if they'll be the fairytale type of person I've been dreaming of since I was a kid. I simply cannot die without experiencing unconditional and pure love like one in a book or a movie. (A healthy relationship of course) I think about if I'll know them the second I see them, or maybe they'll know the second they see me. I came to the conclusion that I won't run into them today. But maybe I'll look for a new book now.