right where you left me

Chapter 58 - Nerve

We arrived at the stadium, and Sam was going to be starting. It was the first game she would be leading us out, wearing the captain's armband like she had been expecting to do so all tournament long.

This was supposed to be her tournament but it became ours instead. I guess that was maybe fate telling us something greater. She knew it. And we did too.

As I walked through the tunnels of Stadium Australia, trying to get my head into the game, I ran into someone.

"Oh, hi," I said to Georgia, as we bumped shoulders by accident.

"Oh, hello," she said. We had a small hug before standing across from each other.

"How've you been?"

"Not bad," she answered.

"How is she?" I asked.

"Shouldn't you know this?"

"Yes... probably."

"She's been a little anxious," Georgia soon said.

"Yeah..."

"Are you okay?"

"Not sure if you've read the news G," I laughed.

"Yeah, I saw that. I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I guess I've just been distracted."

"I- yeah. You have bigger things to worry about." But as I thought about that, did I? This World Cup was a worry spot, but nothing else was. I didn't have to worry about my father, or brother, or mother. It wasn't my responsibility.

I could worry about her. It could be me and her.

But could I? Should I?

"Yeah, sometimes it feels that way."

"Well, I'll see you out there." I gave Georgia a soft smile.

I had my earbuds in, and as I leaned against the wall, I slowly slid to the ground. This was when I craved what I knew I shouldn't. It was hard: I had been sober for so long but the longing was always there. I had hoped that it wouldn't. I had hoped that after a while it would pass.

But it never would. I had to come to terms with that.

We lined up and headed out to play the game. I could see my family in the crowd; Bindi and Eden beside each other, both wearing my jersey. I had longed for this for so long that now it didn't even seem real. My family was coming together. The people I knew I would and could always love. There was something so deep about the connection we were all recreating. It didn't feel raw. But it felt so real.

The game was cagey. We weren't able to create, but we were used to that. Possession was never our forte. We were stronger on the transition and now that Sam was back we had to use that. We had to think with our hearts and not our heads.

But they still scored first.

It was a good goal from Ella Toone. She got it too easily in the box and curled it past Macca. It was a rough goal to concede but there was still much of the game left. We had Tony, 11 players, and a dream, and that was all we needed.

Come the second half, we felt the magic. It came alive.

I dispossessed Alessia in our half, before passing it up to Sam. I ran as quickly as I could but before I had even reached halfway, she shot. It flew through the air.

It was in.

It was a goal.

It was the goal of the tournament.

Goal of the century.

It was perfect. It was everything. It led our nation to believe.

We heard the roars not just in the stadium, but around the country. All of Australia had been waiting for this moment.

I ran over to Sam, jumped on her, and kissed her cheek. The elation was like none other. It ran through our veins.

It was everything, but more.

The game continued, and even though we thought we had a chance... England were too good.

Two goals from England ended our World Cup dream. But it started a different one instead. The legacy we left was greater than the one we lost. We knew that.

We had to know that.

When the whistle blew, I fell to the ground. The feelings that ran through me were mixed, but I couldn't feel my heart. I felt my bones and limbs numb to the feelings. As all the England girls were celebrating, the hurt was too much. Lotte came over to me, wrapping her arms around my body.

"I'm so proud of you," she said to me.

"Thanks, darling," I said to her. "But go." She smiled at me, before going off to her teammates to continue the celebrations.

Hayley came beside me, and we sat on the pitch for a little while. Tony came over, patting us on the back, before knowing he should leave us be. I didn't want to talk. The silence between Hayley and me was calming. It was peaceful. Too much talk would hurt more than nothing at all.

We had a quick team talk before I went over to my sisters. They both grabbed me, hugging me close. I was leaning over the barricade and even though my stomach was being squished, I didn't care.

"You did everything you could," they said to me.

"But it wasn't enough," I replied back, nearly crying.

"We are so proud of." I felt a small hand touch mine, and I looked to see Gi pushing her way past her mum, her Hayley ribbon tied in her hair. I picked her up over the railing, hugging her so tight, finding comfort in my niece.

"I love you, Aunty Tippy."

"I love you too."

After a while, all the girls started to head inside. Fans started to leave the stadium, and the English celebrations were moved indoors. I couldn't go inside though. Not yet.

I needed a moment. I walked myself out into the middle of the pitch, lying on the grass. I wanted to be here on Sunday. I wanted to be here for the final. I wanted to play on this pitch and lift the trophy in front of Australia. But that's not what happened. And that was not what would happen.

I leaned backward, looking up at the sky. The sky was darker than usual; the clouds hiding any stars that would hide behind it.

As I lay, I felt a body come beside me. I looked behind to see her. She wasn't supposed to be here, but she didn't care. She had a lanyard that made it look like she had permission but we both knew spectators were not supposed to get down here. But I didn't say anything. I needed this. I needed her.

Neither of us spoke. Leah just sat beside me, and I moved to sit up. She held my hand, and I laid my head on her shoulder. Her arm wrapped around my waist, and she kissed the top of my head.

There was something calming about her, more than anyone else.

The atmosphere around us was heavy. It felt like the world was bearing down on us both, but with her, it felt lighter. Life felt better. What just happened didn't seem so bad. It didn't hurt as much.

And even though I knew I had things I had to do, and things to fix, maybe doing them with her was how it was supposed to be all along. 

note:

- this hurt more than it should've 

- sometimes I miss the indi harrison trilogy wwc winner... 

- anyways... nearly finished xx