Pretentiously Simple | Kleo

18 | unforeseen goodbyes

it was just then i realized the faintness within me made my legs cave in and my stomach churn. just then i realized some type of acidic gerd quickly traveled up my throat, as i ran for the toilet and retched the day's worth of digested contents into the clearest water i could never touch. it was just then i realized, absolutely so, that leo's ex girlfriend was pregnant, and it meant something to him. and there was no way it didn't.

footsteps that were heard from behind me were almost wholly covered by the noise of my muscular response to the matter escaping me. by that time i had already fell to my knees, elbows on the toliet seat, the fist full of my hair tightly in my one hand. leo kneeled down beside me, taking my hair and holding it instead. i retched into the toilet one more time, heaving against the bland color of my own spew. i wiped my mouth with some toilet tissue, throwing it in there before i flushed.

when i got up to wash my mouth down with water and some toothpaste, i forced him a smile upon myself, only quickly glancing at those shiny blue eyes because even that hurt too much to last just a second longer. seeing that even if there were only two words came out of his mouth the ten minutes he got here, i knew exactly was those two words meant. and he knew i knew too.

i spit out what was the source for the minty-ness in my mouth, washing it down with water before grabbing a towel to dry myself up. i dared to look at him one more time, his eyes changed, like the intimacy between us was no longer existent. like it never was in the first place. i swallowed my mouth that was somehow dry, forcing myself to hold on just a few minutes longer. he would be packing his bags soon. he'd be leaving me just like everyone else.

"kate," his voice trembled, and i knew it hurt him too. he followed me out the door, my steps careful and slow as if i was walking on a trapeze. a burst of nausea made me want to collapse, but i had to be stronger than this. there wasn't anything i could do. nothing i could say.

because love, in fact, was not enough. and it almost never is.

"kate, please, she just found out. i'm so sorry, i didn't want this to happen. i didn't want this to happen at all." the voice he pleaded with was hoarse, not like before. like he screamed for hours on end, like he sobbed violently into a damp pillow not meant for tears.

i got ahold of mia and placed her in her downstairs cot, then slowly poured myself a glass of water in hopes to relieve my never ending nausea. he followed me everywhere i went, afraid to lose me as though i haven't already lost him. setting the cup down to the countertop and wiping my upper lip dry, i made my way over to him, my weak eyes giving into the familiarity of new tears just small enough to conceal. this man who i came closer to was the one i loved forever, but the man i had to stop loving today.

the hand i grabbed was stiffly cold, calluses so ever present with perspiration that spread onto mine. the tears i held hurt to hold, but strength was what i believed in. it was what i had to do. so with a deep breath i spoke, my words shaky but words just the same.

"i don't get it." my laugh was nervous while my arm came up to catch a fallen tear.

"you don't get what?"

"i don't get how this stuff keeps happening if—if what we felt for each other was real!"

"but it was!"

"i know it was, so then what is this?!"

all the tears of the moment fell to my cheeks like a nosebleed gushing out my nose. i no longer cared about strength. i cared to feel, to love, to be anywhere but here. caring for strength was harder than staying it. so i wept against my formerly dry hands, my face covered and my eyes covered even more.