When We Write the Stars

Chapter 9: Cassie

     Then, later that week he said he'd done some thinking, and thought that distance would be too hard, and that I should come to Stanford with him. It was too late to apply to transfer, but that wouldn't matter. If I was going to stay home with our kids. Our nonexistent future kids, I wouldn't really need a college degree would I? Plus then I'd be able to support him better through grad school.

     Once again, I was somehow considering the idea. I told him I'd think about it, and I actually did. I was considering it way too strongly when I brought it up with the girls. At this point, I didn't talk to them about Steven very often, I thought they were just sick of me talking about him all the time, but this felt big like something I needed to talk to them about.

     I think Lyra had to hold back Alyssa from slapping me. Adrianna had been ready to beat Steven's ass, and I was still defending him. I tried to explain to them why it was a valid idea, and then Alyssa said something that I'll never forget.

     She said, "Cassie, look at yourself. Who even are you anymore? My best friend. The girl I've lived with for the past few years, this isn't her. Your whole fucking thing is studying astrophysics and doing research and grad school. Why are his dreams more important than yours? If you do this. Drop out, give up on all of your dreams for the possibility of him, you're not the person I thought you were. I get it. You love him that much but think about it. If the roles were reversed would he do that for you?"

     I responded almost immediately, "I would never ask him to do that." It was almost ironic. And yet I still didn't see that.

     "And yet he's asking you to do it. Why should you give up your dreams for him, when he wouldn't give up his for you."

      I immediately argued, saying he would give up his dreams for me, but even then I felt somehow weak. I stormed out of the apartment, upset. Upset at my friends, and myself, but not Steven. I was never mad at Steven.

     I went to his apartment and knocked on the door, and when he answered, I asked him if he'd put off going to grad school for a year for me. That way I could get a degree. He was asking me to give up on the rest of my life, I could ask him to give up a year right? That would seem fair. That would somehow prove that he did love me as much as I loved him.

     I'll never forget that conversation with him.

     "Cassie, how could you ask me that, it's Stanford, this is my dream babe."

     "I know, but it'd just be a year, and I really want to finish school here."

     "Are you saying you won't go with me," he asked, sounding somewhat upset now.

     "I mean it'd just be a year, we could survive distance for a year, then I could come join you."

     "I don't want to do distance for a year," he responded, "This shouldn't be a hard choice for you. It's either you go with me now and we stay together, or..."

     "Or," I asked, in shock that he would give me an ultimatum like this. He couldn't mean to break up with me, could he? Alyssa's words rang through the back of my mind.

     "Or I can't do this anymore. Babe, I can't believe you're being selfish like this. C'mon, it's Stanford."

     Me. Selfish. I was being selfish for wanting to get the degree I'd worked practically my entire life for, I'd worked my ass off for this, and he wanted me to give it all up for him, and a part of me wanted to let him. I loved Steven, and couldn't imagine a life without him. Our relationship was great, it was everything, right?

     My voice was shaking, and I felt like I was about to throw up, "I. I want to get this degree. I'm not giving up, with only a year left."

     He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. He'd always cared so much about his hair. He has a shelf full of products he used on it, and spent more time looking in the mirror than I cared to think about. I didn't mind though, I'd loved his hair. I'd loved him.