Not That Interested

Chapter 44: The One With The Big Reveal.

Now we both might be doomed for a relationship that will make us miserable. I won't be able to tolerate the thought of sharing my wife's affection with another man; while She won't share her misgivings with me, and will end up hating me for being too weak to let her go.

Because I still won't let her go. I clench my jaw decisively. She has had very little time to let go of Areeb's shadow; so I'll give her the space and time she needs. Even if it kills me.

"Shehzer." her soft voice breaks into my bleak thoughts. My heart stutters at the sight of her, like it usually does. Her face is freshly scrubbed, and pink with all the crying she has been doing. Her slender frame is swathed in a red wool shawl, and her Winnie the Pooh PJ's are nearly hidden by it. Her hair is in its usual wavy rebellion; mahagony wisps framing her huge eyes, and classic cheekbones. Even without a good night's sleep, she looks beautiful to me.

She always will be my one and only.

If only I were hers.

"Yes?" I ask tonelessly, trying not to let it show on my face that I knew.

"Dr. Minwalla says Areeb is awake now. This is our last chance to speak to him before his surgeries." She bites her trembling lip in worry.

I have to swallow a whole lot of anger and desperation when I reply back, "I think you should be the one to go in."

.................

Mina's POV:

I try not to scrunch my nose at the anti-septic smell that surrounds Areeb's bed. I hesitantly approach his bed, and nearly break down at the close-up view of his injuries. His neck is being supported by a number of braces, and belts. Any violent neck movements can kill him instantly. Frailty, thy name is spinal cord victims.

"You jerk. You just had to go ahead and ruin my Eid day, now didn't you?" I croak to him.

His eyes snap open at my voice.

"Minnie?" he rasps. "Why are you here?"

"Because your surgeon called me. Because your parents aren't here. And because you nearly killed yourself." I retort angrily to him, "You should have thought out the plan more thoroughly before you jumped from a flying machine. Only losers fail at suicide attempts."

"Then I must be the King Of Losers." he jokes miserably.

"Areeb. What happened to you? you owe me an explanation, you know, I have been camping outside your room for the past 8 hours! you drove me out of my bloody mind!" I whisper-shout at him. "Where are your parents? What made you do it, you idiot? didn't you even consider the hell they would have gone through, if you had died."

"The hell they are going through right now, is far much worse Mina, trust me." His lips twitch with a rueful smirk, "They finally know."

I'm speechless by this revelation.

"They finally know what?"

"Why I broke up with you. Why I turned Godless. Why I tried multiple times to take my own life, and why It should have been better for the world if I had managed not to screw it up." His halting speech makes it difficult to catch onto most words, and his pain is physically painful to witness.

"Will you ever tell me about it?" I prod him gently.

He stays silent for so long, I'm worried that he has died on me, but then he starts speaking.

"Promise to hate me for it?" He asks hoarsely.

"I'll promise no such thing."

"You'll do it anyways, so I suppose it doesn't matter. I'm a base degenerate who deserves grisly, painful death. Hate is just a preamble for it." He breathing has turned shallow with emotion, and I find myself without words.

"I'm not normal Mina. I'm not a-a-real man." he stutters, "I'm gay."

There are rare moments in your life, when you can actually feel your brains functions give up on you. Mind, and body refuse to cooperate, and you're left with a vegetable collection of limbs that stay frozen in time and space.

This was one of those moments for me.

"Why on earth would you ever propose to me then?" I ask mechanically, refusing to accept his ideas. He's lying. He has to be lying...

"Do you think I accepted it easily?" He asks bitterly, and goes on to shatter my sheltered ideals, and juvenile sensibilities. "I battled against my own nature Mina. I was convinced it was all in my head, and I refused to accept my own...abnormality. Proposing to you was a last effort on my part to fix myself. I knew if I could ever grow to love a woman, it would have been you...I raged against God, for making me this way. It just didn't seem fair, that he created me, but also forbids me to be myself."

I am speechless at his reference to our religion's stance against homosexuality, but even more so at his confession regarding me. He used me. He knew what he was, yet he was willing to ruin my life for selfish reasons.

"Why do you think I got into extreme sports? I knew my recklessness will eventually help me end my wretched life." He snorts weakly, "Not that I ever had the courage to actually succeed, as you can see...When I told you about my dilemma during our engagement, you told me to seek a religious authority Minnie, do you recall?"

I don't even respond, yet he continues.

"Well, I found a fucking religious quack, with my luck. He used to lecture at my old university, imagine that!" He gasps raggedly to struggle with his speech. "He told me that I could cure myself. I wanted to be "cured" Mina... as if there's such a thing for people like me. I wanted to be a-a-husband for you, so I did as he told me to do."

I want to run screaming from this horrible room now, because I can almost sense what is coming next.

"He told me to screw a woman; any woman , and that would cure me of my queerness. As if I could break a magical curse with this sin. Surely, no evil is as big, and as diabolical as my mere existence. Surely, one sin can stop me from committing a thousand more...." His eyes leak moisture that gets absorbed by the bed's white linen. His sarcasm is caustic.

"I believed him Minnie. World-class idiot that I am. He was so charismatic, so learned, so knowledgeable that I conceded my lack of religious belief in favor of his authority. The irony will kill you though..." He rasps out a bitter laugh. "After I forced myself to do the evil deed, do you know what I felt?"

I find myself shaking my head numbly through all this information.

"Nothing." Areeb whispers brokenly. "Nothing changed for me. I am still the same aberration that my society spits at. I am still the deviant who hates his own body. I am still the man who could never be enough for you."

I thought Areeb had destroyed me before.

I was wrong.

A/N:

Hi there,

My smooth-running story has turned into choppy waters. I'm aware of the unprecedented topic, and taboo plot that has emerged. I would like to reiterate a point very clearly here, that Areeb's ideals and thoughts about homosexuality is not what I believe in, my beliefs are something I'd prefer not to impose on my audience (you can learn about them by researching on Islam's view on this, which is basically what I did, prior to writing this novel).

The reason for choosing such a sensitive topic is the fact that this is a reality which few in our society are willing to deal with. My focus is on two aspects of Areeb's story,

a) Religious quacks that misguide people.

b) Innocent women who find themselves married to struggling homosexuals. (Based on a true story)

Just because it doesn't happen often, doesn't mean it is any less devastating. Blindly believing someone else's interpretation of your religion is toxic for our society. We're all humans, and humans can make mistakes, but Allah doesn't make any mistakes. I urge everyone facing spiritual dilemmas to seek out the Holy Quran yourself, and find the answers you're searching for.

May Allah bless you, and guide you to a better life, and after-life. (Ameen)

Do Vote and Comment, and let me know your thoughts about these developments.