Je Suis Prest || Outlander

Chapter 13

"When did they come? Is Fergus here?"

"Fergus? No, he is in Edinburgh. Your father's print shop burned to the ground..." she continued talking but she had said all I needed to hear. The arguing had continued downstairs and out the door.

"Claire! Claire!" I heard Jamie calling as he ran after the now clothed English woman. I looked out the window and watched in horror as my mother approached Jamie with a gun raised to his chest. Then there was a pop. Jamie fell to the ground. I screamed and raced out to where they were. Claire was shoving my mother away from Jamie's prostrate form. I crossed myself and grabbed onto Joanie, who was crying in front of me.

"Daddy!" she screamed. I dragged her towards the cart.

"We need to leave, we need to leave right now," I urged Ma to come with us. Ma, Joan, and I clambered into the cart and set the horses in motion with a crack of the reigns. Ma sobbed as we rattled along the road away from Lallybroch.

"That bitch. What Hell has she crawled out of to steal my husband?" Her knuckles grew white as she whipped the reins to urge the horses to take us further away.

"Ma... you shot Daddy." She never responded, only stared straight ahead at the road. It was a quick journey home with the furious pace she had set. Joan and I saw her to bed and set about making supper. Neither of us were hungry, but it felt like the right thing to do.

"Da said he willna be gone forever, and that he still loves us."

"I dinna care, Joanie. Just be quiet." I had made a decision on our journey home, but now I needed time to think. Could I really do this?

Fergus,

It has been some time since I have heard from you, and I think I know why. Jamie has been shot by my mother. I am not sure if he is gravely wounded or not, but you should come to Lallybroch anyways because I want you to come for me. Please come and collect me from Balriggan. Light a candle by the barn at nightfall and I will come.

Forever yours,

Marsali

I wrote two copies and sent one to Edinburgh the next day, and one to Lallybroch in case I missed him. Then I began to make my preparations. Ma was so torn up by Jamie's infidelity that she hardly left her room. I made sure to teach Joan all that I could about cooking and running a house. I made sure everything was in good working order, and that Joan's clothes were in good repair. I spent the nights waiting by the hearth, and stitching extra hem lengths into Joan's dresses. I instructed her how to remove the stitching to let the hems down as she grew.

"I know how to do this, Marsali," she would whine when she grew tired of my lessons. She was a clever lass, and it broke my heart that I might not see her for a long time once I leave. Ma would never allow me to come home. Every night before bed, I stayed up as long as my tired eyes would allow me to watch for Fergus. I prayed he received my letter and fell asleep imagining him traveling towards me.

"Marsali, wake up." Joan shook me awake one afternoon after I had stayed up too late keeping a vigil at the window. "This was left outside." I rubbed my eyes and sat up. Joanie handed me a little wooden bird, carved and hand painted to match the other one I had on my window ledge. I sprang awake and hugged Joanie.

"Oh, my wee sister. This is it. You remember everything I taught ye?"

"Aye. Dinna fash, I'll be okay and look after Mama too." We stayed in our rooms until both of our bellies began to grumble. Tears collected in my eyes as I prepared my last bowl of parritch for Joanie and I. I had cared for her since she was a wee bairn. When our mother lost herself to Simon, and after Simon, I was the one that was there for her. Her calmness now reassured me that she would be alright. I had done all I could for her. After breakfast, we passed the day playing her favorite games and imagining what my wedding would be like. She wished she could come with me, but I could not be so cruel as to leave mother here alone without either of her daughters.

"I will let you know where we will be living, and then you can come and visit anytime you want," I reassured her, secretly hoping that Fergus would take me far, far away to see the what the rest of the world had to offer.

Before putting Joan to bed, I went into my mother's room with a bowl of stew. She was fast asleep, and I could not bring myself to wake her.

"I love you," I whispered, kissed her on the cheek. I hoped she felt it, because I did mean it. This was not the life I wanted to live anymore, however. She would understand in time. Night fell, and sure enough there was a candle flame flickering in the distance against the barn's dark outline. Joan helped me with my trunk. I may be running away, but I'd be damned if I leave behind all of the dresses from Edinburgh and gifts from Fergus I had received over the months. We said a tearful goodbye before I stole away into the night. I never turned back for one last glimpse of Balriggan, because I was worried I would want to go back and pretend I had not ran away into the night. 

Je suis prest.