Imperfect (Disappeared #1)

Chapter Twenty

She gave him a wobbly smile. It was much better under the covers. The quilts effectively shut out the chill and their body heat quickly created a nice cocoon of warmth.

She noticed, though, that he was lying far from her. "Now you're afraid of me?" 

"I'm trying to preserve your modesty," he said in a muffled voice, the quilts clear up to his eyes.

She yanked back the covers. "I'm not such a prude that you have to lie ten feet from me. I did come back for you, you know. I don't despise you."

"Good to know." He shuffled closer. "Good?"

"Yes, yes," she muttered. Propriety wrestled desperately with her need to get closer.

His nose wrinkled with amusement. "All right, Theodosia, keeper of modesty. Tell me why you're so wound up. Something is clearly on your mind. I'm not tired and I'd be happy to listen while I stare at your beautiful mouth."

She made a face at him and pulled the covers up to her eyes. "You won't do anything of the sort." She breathed for a moment. "I suppose you could say, among other things, that I'm afraid of change. I think my life is changing and I don't know what to do about it."

"How is it changing?"

"My parents have chosen someone they want me to marry. I think it will happen soon. Within the year, perhaps."

There was a beat of silence. Ahuil's eyes traveled over her face. "Do you love him?" 

"Oh, so you know what love is? But not marriage?"

He rolled his eyes. "Yes, Theodosia. We do have love here. I'd be pretty worried if we didn't."

She broke out laughing. "All right, I apologize." She sighed and drew the covers closer around her. "You know, I'm not sure I know what love is. I've never felt it before — toward a man, I mean."

He reached over and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "How do you feel about this man, the one your parents want you to marry?" he asked softly.

"Annoyed? Enraged? Completely and totally exasperated?"

Ahuil stared at her. "You can't marry him."

"You make it sound so simple. Of course I shouldn't marry him. That is, if emotion were the only consideration. But it's not. Economic and social standing is more important for people of my station. You marry to maintain a larger social structure. That's the price I pay for wealth."

He stroked her hair, looking deep in thought. "I don't know you very well, but I have the feeling that you're different from other people in your world. You're different right down to your body chemistry. You'd have to be, because how else did you get through the baobab? So don't force yourself to conform. It's just not right." 

Theodosia felt so miserable she didn't answer. Finally, she forced herself to speak. "I don't have a choice. If I want to be even a bit happy I have to try to be like them." To her horror, she felt her eyes begin to blur with tears. She hid her face in her hands. "I'm sorry. I'm being so embarrassing."

"You're being honest. Don't throw up or anything but I'm going to hold you. Is that alright?"

She paused and then nodded quickly. 

He moved over and wrapped his strong arms around her. He was warm and firm and comforting. His heart pressed against hers and his cheek rested on the top of her head. His hands gently pressed her close. 

Theodosia froze as if stung. No one, save Sarah, ever touched her. She always enjoyed her maid's ministrations but she had never realized how deprived she felt of touch. How she craved it. And so, this might explain exactly why, despite years of training that told her to do otherwise, she let Ahuil hold her. 

"This is a lot of dress," Ahuil murmured, breaking into her thoughts. "I don't know if I'm holding a woman or a sack of cloth."

Theodosia laughed, which came out more like a snort. "You're impossible."

"Impossibly understanding. Don't go back home, Theo. Stay here. Don't marry that irritating man. Don't be who they want you to be."

There was a weighty pause. "Really?" she said in a small voice.

"You could. If you wanted to." He tipped her chin upward and looked straight into her eyes. His breath mingled with hers. Her stomach clenched and she wondered if he was about to kiss her. No one had ever done that before. Suddenly, all thoughts of leaving or not were subsumed by panic over whether they would kiss. Her blood quickened and her thoughts became sluggish.

"You can kiss me if you like," she blurted, to end the suspense.

Ahuil did not laugh as she was afraid he would. Instead, he stroked her cheek gently. The feeling was like sunshine playing over her skin.

"I wish," he whispered. "But if I kiss you, Theo, I know I'm going to start loving you. And right now I don't know if I'll ever see you again. And I'm afraid my heart will break. Don't do that to me. Just let me hold you and comfort you and almost love you for now."

Tears pricked at her eyes again as she looked into his. "I can't believe I'm saying this but it feels almost strange for you to hold me and not kiss me."

He smiled gently and traced a finger down her nose. "If you become mine, fate willing, then we'll kiss all we want."

She frowned. "Fate doesn't decide these things. We do. <i>I</i> was the one who decided to come through the baobab."

"Or fate let you because it knew you felt alone." She blushed. "As was I." He kissed the snubbed end of her nose delicately. "But enough about fate. I just don't want you to break my heart, all right?"

"And I don't want to marry Edward and remember this moment and how you didn't kiss me."

Theodosia wrapped her arms around him. They were so close that they were breathing the same air. She found herself trying to catch the air he had just released, greedily taking its warmth into her own body. 

"Then don't marry him," Ahuil murmured. "If you don't believe in fate, make a decision."

She sank into silence. What a decision to make. She didn't trust herself to say anything, lest she hurt him. There were too many things to think about, her family primarily.

Ahuil seemed to accept that. He gathered her closer so that her head rested in the crook of his neck. He smelled like wood smoke and something fresh, like shorn grass. She stayed, absorbing his smell and feeling his strong arms around her, holding her near. She hadn't been this close to anyone since she was cuddled as a child. The feeling was indescribably wonderful.

Eventually, her heartbeat slowed. Theodosia listened to the sound of his breath as it became more even and deepened, its soft whisper mixing with the bright chirping of peepers and the deeper honks of the bullfrogs. Behind all that was an absolute silence, evidence of an ancient forest resting peacefully, steeped in secrets only it could know.

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Decisions, decisions. Theo must make them.

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