eating Disorder (Lando X Arthur)

#1

Monday September 11

"Go away!" "Lando plea-" "No." he yells and I take a step back. Tears are rolling down his cheeks as his face is red with anger.

"You don't have to-" "Go away Arthur!" he yells. "I didn't want-" "Stop!" he screams and he puts his hands in his hair and he walks around. I feel a tear roll down my cheek and I look at the floor.

I meant it well. I know he's having a hard time and I want to help him.

This evening I made some different small piece of food for dinner. I had put everything on the table. I had tried to make it as healthy as possible, as few calories as possible.

Lando has trouble eating. Since the beginning of this year, his eating Disorder has started slowly. He has help, he made the step to get help. Together with his team and Jon, they have received several tips and they have a good balance. Lando eats, but little bits. As few calories as possible. One day it is more difficult than the other day.

I wanted to do something for Lando. There has been so much more pressure on him since joining Red Bull this year. I wanted to plan a nice evening for him where he can forget everything. I had a table of small snacks that Lando eats. Together with Jon, his trainer, I made a list. I made everything as small as possible. He eats small things and when he's done eating it doesn't matter. I made everything myself and included a list of calories for him to write down in his booklet.

Only this was different for Lando, he had so much more trouble with it.

"Why can't you understand me Arthur!" he yells and I look at him. "I'm trying my best." I say to him and he stops and looks at me. "Your best?! There's a fucking lot of food on the table Arthur! You've been cooking and preparing yourself! No Arthur! No." he yells. "But Lan I he-" "Stop! I hate you Arthur! Why can't you understand me!" "I can, Lando." I say as calmly as possible. "No! I can't eat everything Arthur! I can't…" he stops talking and I see how badly his hands are shaking.

I want to walk up to him, I want to take him in my arms and tell him it's all alright. That I'll clean it all up and we'll just watch the movie. But I know that if I walk up to him now, everything will be worse than it is now. Lando's emotions are all over the place. He's angry now, but in five minutes he'll be crying in my arms.

"Go away please." says Lando and he looks at me. "No, I can't-" "Go away Arthur. Go." "Please let me explain." I say. "No!" Lando sobs. "You don't have to eat it Lando." I say. "But you made it yourself Arthur!" he sobs and I look at him. "But that's okay. When you are full  you don't have to eat anymore. I will not be angry." I explain. "I don't want this Arthur." he sobs. "That's okay. I'm going to clean it all up." I say and Lando sobs and looks at the food. "Goddammit Arthur." he sobs and runs upstairs. I feel another tear run down my cheek. I look at the food and I sigh.

I'm just gonna clean it up. Maybe Max and Charles would like to eat it.

I grab all the trays from the kitchen and I clean everything up. I turn on the dishwasher and I clean everything. Then I go upstairs and open the bedroom door. Lando is in bed. Curled up in the blankets. I walk in and sit on the bed.

"I cleaned everything up." I say. "Okay." Lando says softly. "Do you want me to leave?" I ask. "Yes." "Okay. I'll keep my sound on, if you need me call me, okay?" I ask. "Yes." "Okay." I say and get down on my knees. I lean over him and lightly kiss his cheek before getting off the bed and leaving the room. I walk back downstairs as my eyes fill with tears.

Lando has these days where he needs a night to himself. Not that he sleeps much then, but he can't think straight when I'm with him. He tries to put his feelings aside. Right now he wants to write in his notebook and he can't do that if I sit with him.