into the woods

You have a mental condition, you have to take the drugs the doctor prescribed you.

The words come out muffled and heavy, they stick to my skin but don't reach my mind. I imagine small balls of cotton between my fingers as I slowly stuff them into her mouth, one by one until I cut off her oxygen, until there are no more sounds to prick the edges of my scull. I put my head to the side and sink into my pillow, my eyes fall on the nightstand and I stare at the half-empty pill bottle.

I haven't taken them in three days. I hate that stuff.

You need to take them every day, otherwise your state is going to get worse. Now, we don't want you to get depressed again and do something stupid, don't we, darling?

I turn to the other side of the bed and stare out the window. It's dark and the wind howls with force. Branches hitting the glass. Bang, bang, bang. I shrug my shoulders, not caring. The darkness didn't scare me, it was the dark thoughts in my head that prevented me from sleeping. The monsters didn't hide under the bed. They lingered in my head, making me do things, act all crazy. That's why I needed the pills. And yet, I stopped. Three days and three nights. My mind was hazy from them and I felt like I was behind a wall, everything was muffed - and not just my nurse's endless complains. I couldn't focus.

The pills have side effects, all drugs do. However, it is essential that you take them, my dear. Do you understand? Nod once if you do. Good girl, do as I tell you.

There is a storm coming, the noises outside increasing, yet in here, it's perfectly quiet. All I hear is the clock ticking and my slow breath, as I lay on the bed. The sheets are made of satin and they are cool against my heated skin. I think I might be coming down with a fever. I feel badly lately. Maybe I shouldn't lay off the pills. Perhaps, but I needed a clear mind, I needed to know what was going around me.

The feeling of numbness made me slow and weak. People nodded and said I was doing the right thing. That eventually I would be fine. So I nodded too. I agreed. I wanted them to go away. I wanted to be alone in my home so I could do things my way. So they couldn't see me when I do everything against their will. I preferred the voices in my head to those, of the ones that gave me fake smiles and empty words of comfort.

I close my eyes and think of the alarm. Did I set it this time? I always did, every night. I check everything. I close the doors. I check the locks. I live peacefully here, in this empty house. Far away from people and those who mean me "well". I can't let them be too close, or I will go slowly insane. I arch my back and laugh hysterically for a moment, the motion tickling my insides. Hmm, that was funny. As is you weren't already insane, darling. As if you didn't imagine their deaths in a million ways just for amusement. I take a deep breath, still smiling. But maybe they were right and it didn't take much to take me over the edge.

But I was good here, the silence and the nature outside the window soothed me. The near woods bringing me comfort. Like big arms wrapping themselves around me. Giving me protection.

You shouldn't fear the dark, it's all in your head.

Don't worry, it's not the darkness that gives me chills.

Want to talk about it?

No, just give me the damn pills.

As you wish, just give me a call when something changes.

I will be sure to keep that in mind.

My therapist's words ring out in me head, like an annoying fly in the room. I did keep that in mind, I just completely ignored the thought. The numbness taking all of my fears away. At first. But then it wasn't enough. I felt like I could suffocate.