New Romantics

Chapter 15

Disappointment made me deflate, but a swift wave of exhaustion told me it was likely for the better. "Thanks for stopping by," I said in the way of a goodbye. With a curt nod, Leo's eyes lingered on me, before he turned on his heels and strolled back toward the stairwell. Mason burst out of Zoya's apartment right as Leo made it to the door, and I watched the boys disappear through the door, Mason's obnoxious laughter lingering like smoke from a dead flame.

Behind me, the door swung open, Dani and Sasha standing side-by-side. "Did you just cock-blocked by a frat boy?" Sasha asked.

I covered my face with my hands. "Yes. I think I just did."

♡ ♡ ♡

Frothy white water churned around me. It grabbed me, pushed me, violent and unforgiving, eager to drag me into the dark abyss of the icy Atlantic. The salt burned my nose and poured down my throat as I flailed against the waves, barely keeping my face above water.

There was no relief to my fighting, no movement, no reprieve, or solace—just a never-ending struggle that felt like a personal Hell. And all I could say—the only word that was allowed to leave me—was, "Why?"

Why me? What had I done to deserve the ocean's merciless wrath? Why this? Why now?

And then suddenly, I was beneath the waves, falling and falling and falling into the black water by eager, unseen hands.

And just before the black water closed in around me, a chilling thought trickled through my subconscious,

You will never escape. 

♡ ♡ ♡

Sitting in the middle of the lecture hall, I felt like I was drowning, not a drop of water in sight. This was a different kind of struggle: one that come from the inside out, where my mind was roaring and my heart was beating faster than the rest of my body could handle.

I didn't understand. No matter how hard I clung to Dr. Maylor's every word, the logic of the equations and the reasonings behind the reactions of the chemical reaction on the screen went in one ear and came out the other without computation. I waited, desperately, for something in the lecture to click. For a little light bulb moment that would ease my worry, and my mind to shout, Oh, yes! I remember this from last semester! I can do it this time.

I missed one lecture. One fucking lecture. There's no way I was so behind.

Leaning further into my notebook, I glanced around the lecture hall, praying there was another student with equal confusion, for someone to meet my eye and confirm that they, too, were missing something vital.

But there was only focus gazes and quick writing and an air of yes, yes, of course, that makes perfect sense.

What was I missing?

What was I missing, dammit!

I tried to scribble everything the professor wrote onto my tablet before the screen changed and grabbed at every arrow and variable and factor as if I could just stamp it onto my brain for later. Amit could help me. It will fall into place when I reread my notes! But just before I could finish, Dr. Maylor flipped to the next slide, and my fingernails dug painfully into my palm. Shit, shit, shit. I needed that last variable. I craned my neck to see what the girl ahead of me wrote. I couldn't make out her scribbly handwriting. The boy next to me wasn't even taking notes! How? I wanted to scream. He was the one who aced the first exam without writing a single thing down!

That used to be me. Everything used to come so easily. Throughout my life, school used to be the easy part. What happened? When did my mind fracture? When did the ambition start to fizzle away?

I gritted my teeth. How could I get it back? 

If I pressed any harder, I'd crack the screen. But that didn't matter. The horrible pain in my forearm didn't matter.

Focus, Aria! Focus! The more I told myself to focus, the harder and harder it became. 

The cold sweat on my skin made it hard to hold the pencil. My vision would not adjust. The lights were too bright and I was too slow to do anything productive.

FOCUS, ARIA! FOCUS! FOCUS! FOCUS!  FOCUS! 

The corners of my vision blurred, and I took in another large lungful of air to stop my rising panic. But it was too late. My mind raced faster and faster, my fingers shook, and a painful pressure formed behind my eyes. I wanted to stand up and sprint out of the lecture hall as fast as I could.

This was wrong. This was all wrong! I was supposed to understand the class this time around! I wasn't distracted! I did the homework! I read the lectures! But why? Why couldn't I grasp onto it the way my peers did seemingly so easily?

FOCUS! FOCUS! FOCUS! 

This was my punishment for going to the football game. The riptide was a lesson. This lecture was a warning. I couldn't be distracted. I couldn't lose focus. Not now. Not ever. Because this was just the start of the struggles I'd face if I wanted to fulfill my parent's dreams of me becoming a doctor. This was the price I was supposed to pay for every easy thing that came to me in my life.

I couldn't fail them. I couldn't—I couldn't—

FOCUS, ARIA! 

"And that concludes the lecture for today! Remember that you have a quiz due tonight and—"

The world went out of focus, and the next thing I knew, I was sprinting out of Dr. Maylor's lecture,  my stomach roiling, and realized that I had never left that ocean in the first place.

♡ ♡ ♡

The Academically gifted kid to burnt-out college student pipeline is a real and brutal thing. Poor Aria is going through it. I know a lot of other people have gone through it. There really needs to be a support group somewhere. What do you do when you're feeling overwhelmed with school?