Never Ever

34| Good as it gets

"Not what I was expecting," she says, letting out an expanse of air. Her eyes find mine, no longer filled with judgement or horror but hurt. "I just don't understand why you would hide any of that from me. I mean, do you think I'm judgy or something?" Her face falls. "Oh my god. Am I judgy?"

"You're not judgy," I say softly, pushing her hair back. "It's me. I didn't want my past to follow me here, so I kept it a secret. Then Noah found out, and suddenly I was swimming again and training for tryouts, and it scared me. If I told people about swimming but didn't make the team, it would kill me, so I lied. And the more I lied, the harder it became to tell you about Noah, because the two were so closely tied." I let myself breathe, realizing that's why this thing with Noah feels so raw for me. We connected through swimming during a time when I thought I'd lost it for good. "I'm sorry, Addy. You must think you have some kind of compulsive liar for a roommate."

She laughs a little, then pulls me into a hug. "You are a compulsive liar, but I get you had reasons. Just no more lies, okay? Which is why–" she sucks in a breath, her eyes darting down to her hands, "–I need to tell you something too."

"Addy," I say, taking her shoulders. "What did you do?"

She buries her head in her hands before mumbling something incoherent. When I tell her to repeat herself, she throws her arms in the air dramatically and huffs through her hair, "I nearly had sex with Pax last night."

For a number of reasons, this is not good. I turn her to face me, needing the facts. "I mean this in the most un-judgy way," I say, "but Pax? What were you thinking, Ad? That's Jesse's teammate."

"I know," she groans, burying her head again. "It's a mess."

A mess is an understatement. "Does Jesse know?"

"I don't think so. Not yet."

I groan too. If word gets out, it's going to cause chaos for the Calbears, who are already hanging by a thread as it is, which is why part of me wants to warn Noah so he can at least manage any fallout, but Addy is my best friend and it's not my secret to tell.

"What is it," Addy says, slumping back, "with these Calbears and their hold on us?"

"Your guess is as good as mine." I lean beside her, a knot forming in my stomach when I think of how much more pressure this will put on Noah as captain. "I think we should keep this – all of this – to ourselves, okay? You and Pax and me and Noah. The last thing we want is Natalia and Jesse hunting us down."

"Agreed."

We spend the rest of the day catching up on Netflix. Between training and Noah, we haven't had our usual pasta dinners or murder mystery marathons, so it's nice to spend the whole day snuggled under our blankets and snacks. It's like the first week of college all over again.

"I forgot to tell you," she says through a mouthful of chocolate, "but I'm booking Cabo tomorrow. The boys are going to book their stuff separately on account of the fact they don't believe I won't accidentally miss Jesse off the list, but they're staying in the same hotel as us." She wiggles her eyebrows. "Lucky you."

I playfully swat her arm and wait for the panic to hit, but things are so good with Noah and me that it doesn't come. In fact, the thought of being somewhere warm and secluded with him sounds like bliss.

I just hope it lasts.

***

Later that evening, I head to the rooftop excited to see Noah, though it's tainted by Addy's secret. If word got out that I knew and didn't tell him, it could potentially ruin all the progress we've made, but I'd promised Addy I wouldn't tell anyone, and I meant it.

I step into the elevator, replaying the events that led to the impromptu sleepover at Noah's – the party and the mishap with the sex doll. It'll no doubt be forgotten by the time Monday arrives, but with each floor the elevator climbs, the more I question whether I'll be able to forget.

Still, I don't want to think about that now. Stepping onto the rooftop, I scan the pool for Noah, but he's not here yet. I set my belongings down, change quickly, and slip into the water. The cold air tonight is proof we're well and truly inching toward winter, but thankfully, the pool is heated. With a deep breath, I stretch my arms and begin gliding down the pool.

It's here that I forget everything else. My fears about my upcoming meet, Addy's secret hookup with Pax, the sex doll incident. Here, I'm safe. I pull through the water, feeling the resistance against my palms, a gentle pushback that propels me onward.

The water glides over my skin, leaving a tingling sensation in its wake, almost as powerful as Noah's touch this morning. I reach the deep end, pushing off the wall and beginning my next stroke when thoughts of last night creep in. The doll in the water, the terror I'd felt when I thought someone drowned – that's all it takes to stop me dead in my tracks.

My feet touch the floor, causing my head to dip under. My immediate reaction is to panic, the way I've done so many times before, but I refuse to succumb this time. I spring off the bottom, breaking the surface with one mighty gasp, and propel myself toward the pool's edge. Gripping the ledge with my fingers, I pull myself onto the chilly concrete, feeling a sense of pride for keeping calm.

I'm also terrified. I've got practice on Monday – my first meet is in two weeks – and I'm still not over my fear. Sooner or later, I'll have to face the fact that maybe this is as good as it gets.

A/N

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