My Moonlight

twenty three

I grab his head as he leans into my lips slowly as the lights turn off and the crowd cheers clearly can't see anything around them. I close my eyes as I hold onto him, not wanting him out of my grasp. He moans into the kiss, pushing me onto the floor, climbing on top of me, feeling my chest. I wrap my hands around his ass, pulling him closer to me. I groan in need of more, biting his bottom lip softly as tears run down my face. "I love you so much. The song was about you goddamnit. I know how you feel about my depressing behavior. It hurts seeing you so displeased about what I'm doing. I feel like a bad partner. I heard how angry you spoke when you were talking about how I made our relationship a joke, tricking you into embarrassment and just making a joke about your feelings, and how the look in my eyes isn't true and it's all just small talk and coffee over the table to me, instead what I promised you."

I explain to him softly, trying to find his cheeks in the darkness, feeling all over his face, and finding them, holding them in my hand carefully, my hands shaking. "I'm sorry. I've been lying to you. I've been looking for something to do then sulking over it, and cutting myself because of it." I tell him as my breathing heavies.

"I love you and I don't want you trying to kill yourself every day before you wake for almost 6 years because of something you couldn't help!" I say, my voice breaking down and holding him closer to me. "You're so young and so successful..." I tell him, shaking my head against his.

"We need to talk when we get to my aunt's house, Sean." He says angrily, feeling his body tremble.
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We sit on his bed as he looks into my eyes, holding his pillow in his arms, his legs hand off the bed. I look into his eyes shamefully, my hands shaking. "For five years, you've been cutting yourself over something you couldn't help?" He asks me, summing up what I told him in a simple question for me to answer.

I nod my head slowly. He sighs into his hand and closes his eyes. "Stop it. Stop trying to kill yourself. Cutting doesn't help at all." He says calmly. "Explain what happened." He asks me, looking into my eyes softly. My eyes widen, shaking my head. He snaps, getting in my face. "Tell me!" He yells, seeing his face getting red.

"After I and Benjamin had that conversation with the man who looked at me crazy to Benjamin's response to what he said, we decided to have sex for the first time. He asked if I can be his husband and I said yes. We were going to tell anybody and keep it a secret for the rest of our lives. I told him that he could stay over for the night after we had sex, and he agreed. In the morning, I told him that I was going to the store and I would be back. When I got back I didn't hear anything but the sound of sloshing in the kitchen and something like meat being cut in half. I slowly walked into the kitchen, thinking could surprise him. But when I looked to the floor, I saw a big puddle of blood, as I lay on it with three shots in his chest and five stabs to his stomach. Laurent was standing over him, with a smile on his face looking at me. He whispered that it was my fault, shooting him a last time in his face in front of me. All I could do is scream and cry, and throw myself to the ground because the love of my life who excepted who I am and inspired me to be a poet and songwriter got killed in my house and shot right in front of me, and I can get the fucking image out of my head."

His expression changes, like he's going to get trauma from hearing my story of how I've grown up, and the death of the first love of my life that took more than the average person could find theirs. I've grown up, screamed in my sleep, and my head pounds till this day of my screams and yells my cries and the memories I had with him. All the talks I still want to have with Sung-ook, flinching and locking all my goddamn doors and windows and all this other security around my house. If I lost him I would shoot myself in my head with two guns in both of my hands to stop the pounding in my head.

I wish I killed myself earlier when nobody missed me and I was just a 12-year-old painting the walls of my church. That would satisfy me right there, and the world wouldn't know and love me and ask to watch to stars pass with me on a grassy hill, tracing our fingers on constellations and shooting stars.
Ben would've been fine, finding a wife and Sung-Ook would be a successful man.

I've grown tired of myself. Many times I tried not to cry every time I see Sung-Ooks face, thinking about how lovely he is. How much he reminds me of Ben and his personality and the love he gave me. I fell in love too hard with them both.

"I need to leave. Leave you, permanently. I'm not okay. I'm not a good guy for you. I don't know why I didn't just walk away when we ran into each other in Japan." I admit. Looking into his eyes intensely. He shudders and his face frowns. "I love you though." He tells me, letting his tears run down his face. He wipes them sloppily as he sniffles. His lips pout as his face goes pink, and so do his ears. "I love you so much..." He trails off.

"I've loved you for 4 whole years. I've finally have you, but the truth keeps you away from me. I'll die if it means staying with you." He tells me, his faces going wrinkly as he starts to cry softly in his pillow.

"I love you! Sean!" He yells in his pillow, trembling. "I love you!" He repeats. I start to cry, sitting on his bed and wrapping my hands around him tightly, not wanting to let go as me head pounds louder.
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"SEAN! YOU FUCKING MISTAKE! I'VE KILLED SOMEBODY! BECAUSE I ADMIRE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH! YOU SHOULDVE DROWNED IN THAT POOL WHEN YOU WERE SIX! EVERYTHING WOULD'VE BEEN BETTER! KILL YOURSELF! KILL YOUR SELF! KILL YOUR SELF! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!" Laurent screams in my ear as I bag my head on the marble floor, screaming and yelling for dear life, straining my voice as I yell for forgiveness. "IM SORRY! IM SORRY!
IM SORRY!" I scream, pounding my hands on the floor. "HELP!" I yell. Nobody can hear me. Laurent has turned up every noise-making device in my house.

"KILL YOU'RE SELF! DO IT! DON'T THINK ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE EXCEPT MR. LANGTONS SWEET INNOCENT FACE. IT'LL PUT YOU AT PEACE! AT HOMAGE! FUCKING KILL YOURSELF, MISTAKE!" He yells.
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I look out the balcony, the soft wind blowing in my face with a smile on my lips. Looking up at the tall buildings. My arms hang off the rail, sighing as I turn to Sung-Ook. On his pillow, sleep as he sniffles. "I'm still looking for something to do." I say softly.