Elements' Eyes (Book 1: Going-Through)

A Surprise 1.7

"Even so, you are bound to have difficulty trying to change your human ways of thinking. One day you might realize you long for nothing as much as for going back to them. Even alien animals only seldom succeed changing their ways; that's why our mountainous society is so small in comparison to others. Hardly anyone new is able to settle there. The thing is that one should not think about safety or strive for it — but should be habitually vigilant all the time. To separate the vigilance from one's everyday living will not do. It must become part of the one who wants to live in the mountains.

You have said you are tired of being on alert, but you will not have any break from it if you settle there. Your attitude should be changed so that you are vigilant as constantly but relaxedly as you breathe. Are you tired of breathing? You will need to treat your vigilance like that; just prove to the mountains every day that you can live in them in the same way your body proves that it is capable of being alive in general. You provide everything it needs to live, so it does not overstrain itself proving, doesn't it?"

Keernah frowned.

"So, what shall I do then? Should I burn my bridges at once and imagine from that moment on that I cannot live differently? I mean, realizing there's no other choice anymore can be rather helpful. It does work for me, at least."

"Might be a good idea for you then; but your bridge–burning and living differently should happen as if by chance; not because you consciously decide to do this and that. So you still have to change your mental habits first, including many ways you used to change yourself before. It does sound hard to understand, but I had warned you it is not all that easy. You should not only forget that you are tired of resisting danger, but you should not even dream that there are safer places in the world or dream of the mountains becoming safer themselves. Every thought like this will draw death closer and closer to you, and in the end you will perish."

"Are you sure I can really die because of this? There are lots of other dangerous things out there..." Keernah said fearfully, thinking that she was not ready to exchange the freedom of thought for freedom from humans.

"I am. We watch many living beings in the mountains and see what they are while they live and how they change before death. It is never occasional occurrence but one that is attracted by their mental state."

"Even animals attract their death? How can that be? Do they dream of safer places when they shouldn't?"

"They do not, but they just get mentally weary. Their bodies remain strong somewhat longer, but their minds do not wish to perceive anything and live further. It mostly happens to older animals, but some younger ones are prone to this tiredness too, and they die earlier. Though they are healthy and unharmed, the source of their inner life is exhausted quicker than that in others. It allows any small thing to kill them: their paws fatally slip, they choose to rest exactly at the spot where a boulder falls, a venomous snake appears just under their feet and so on. Even though they easily coped with all that before, they actually let one or the other thing get to them, because they are tired beyond resting. When they need death, they meet it sooner or later.

"There were times when we believed, like humans, that the cause of their death was outside. But there were many weird, unexplainable cases until we started watching what was happening inside those beings before they died."

Keernah took her arms off Ayeso, but stayed near. The sudden possibility of living alone in the mountains turned out to be as unrealistic as it had ever been. But Keernah did not have the strength to let it go just now.

"Look, you've said you hadn't seen my death anytime soon!" she exclaimed desperately. "You've said I should take a dog with me, because my parents will leave me alone in the mountains for a while. And now you tell me I'm likely to die there, because it'll be incredibly hard to change my human ways, and I can't just live in the mountains without that. How do these two things follow each other at all?"

"They do not follow each other yet, although they probably will. I did see you being left alone in the mountains next spring, so I started thinking what might be useful for you until your family came back. But I didn't know then you wanted to stay for good. It is an entirely different matter. Actually you may make it, but you should know beforehand what it would be worth and prepare for it well in advance.

"I do not see your death yet, but I cannot say what I am going to see when you come there with a firm intention to stay. It only depends on you. If you just decide to live a little on the mountainous outskirts, realizing that you will go home before the cold season, then you are not likely to perish at all. Especially that we will help you as our guest."

"How do my intentions matter? They fail more often than not anyway. What if I just keep living there — with your help, of course, — only trying to decide if I want this or that? Will the cealds have to throw me out?"

"We live in the mountains ourselves, but we do not control who lives beside us. It is all happening between the mountains and the creatures who wish to settle there or just think they wish. If their intentions are not clear even to themselves, the mountains force them to choose sooner or later. By the way, the forced choice can result in death too, so you would rather be quick to decide. But the mountains are neither hostile nor friendly to anyone in particular. Nor can they change themselves, so it is you who have to change to live in them. When you decide your life belongs to them, you are pulled into the only mode of living that is possible there. If you do not fit, you will be lost — why, you know it, it is the same everywhere. Mountains can be just a little harder to live in.

"And we know everything about those animals and humans who have ever come from afar to settle near us. Some were able to, but most of them failed. Many died and a few could leave unharmed to try and live in some safer place."

"Then I don't think I should go there at once. Why not settle in a usual forest instead," Keernah sighed. "I'm sure I'll survive for a couple of years there, at least; and then I might become a bit more ready for the mountains..."

"Whatever you decide now, you will be in the mountains next spring. I don't know the reason for that, I only see it happen. If you think you wish to stay, then you really should start getting ready from this very moment. But you actually may not think so."

"If I try, will you know next spring whether I've succeeded or not?"

"The mountains will let you know if you have. But if you have not, it can be dangerous to you."

"I've got it. But how on earth should I prepare if you said one can't learn to live in the mountains when living among humans?"

"What I said was a little different. We were talking about friends, so I said you can't learn to live with us, the cealds, when staying in your place," Ayeso clarified, "But you have first thing to settle in the mountains. For that you should better prepare in advance. At least, your mind will be ready for the change when you arrive in spring. It is not going to prevent you from all errors, but might help somewhat."

Keernah knitted her eyebrows, stared at the floor and tried to think, but couldn't. It was all just overwhelming.

"It's... sort of... sounds like something incredible," she admitted, even though she knew Ayeso would never fool her. "If I just live in the mountains for a month, no mysterious death will overtake me; but if I suddenly decide to stay forever without preparation, then something terrible will immediately happen, even though it hasn't happened all month long?"

"You are right about this, but you overlook something else. You think that after living in the mountains for a month you will remain the same person you were when you arrived, but this is not so. The surroundings will influence you more than you can imagine, and you will feel that it is time for you to either leave or become different. It doesn't have to happen in a month. Everyone needs an individual period to feel that."