let's stay together even tomorrow

Chapter 4

The date on the calendar in the apartment living room reads April 20th. Six months have passed since Jesse was taken from them. The young men were so occupied with trying to forget that they didn't even realize how much time has passed. Well, except for Micah. He knows everyone's schedule, he knows that Casey and Elijah had to retake the semester and postpone their graduation until this June, and he knows Finn works two jobs yet still finds time for them all. He knows what times they were and weren't home. That may or may not have been a good thing.

Finn had previously asked when everyone was free and made plans. Those plans happen tomorrow. Do any of them know what he plans on doing? No. And frankly, none of them are looking forward to it. But Finn insists on it being a chance that they can have fun again. Micah doubts it, how can he have fun when the love of his life is dead? Gone and turned into ash.

Today is the day. The weather is abysmal and yet here they are at the beach. How could the weather look so bleak in the spring? The weather perfectly captures everyone's emotions. "Finny, I love you, but you're a horrible planner, let's all promise to never let him plan anything again," Casey says as he shakes from the cold. He only mutters a soft sorry back. What could they do? Finn suggests they go eat somewhere and they end up in a cafe.

If things could get worse, they most certainly do. Everything they ordered tasted like pure shit and the drinks tasted like sand. Resulting in them not eating. It's as if the beach never left them. Cursing at them for leaving.

Throughout the day Finn dragged them around to different places and got some laughs out of them but nothing felt right. They're numb and tired. And just like that they go back home and Micah goes back to an empty room. His collection of stuffed animals is discarded all over the floor. He knows Finn meant well today, but fate just wants them to be miserable and he agrees. Micah thinks he doesn't deserve happiness anymore.

So, he took the rest of the weekend off. To do what? He doesn't know yet. Maybe he'll just sleep or he can cut. Option number 2 never fails to win. So he cuts. To him, it's not a big deal. In his logic, almost everyone around the world self-harms in a way.

The slight pressure and blood pooling out is not a new sight for him. He doesn't feel anything anymore. And maybe he hasn't for a while now and he finally has an excuse for it.

Micah does a shit job at cleaning himself up but he doesn't care. He sits on his bed staring at his closet door. The room is a mess. Because he's refused to touch anything in his boyfriend's closet, he notices that the door isn't closed all the way, something is blocking it.

He slowly makes his way over, moving the countless items out of his way. Micah opens the door and sees something sticking out. A bunch of clothes obscuring it from his view. Jesse's clothes. He couldn't bear to move any of the clothes or the ones that had been on the floor. Micah wanted to keep it the way it was. As if his boyfriend were to return any minute.

With the clothing now removed, Micah sees a box. He brings the box and sits on his bed. The box is small and wooden. Plastic sticks out of it. How come he's never seen this before?

It hits him when he lifts the lid up. Inside are multiple bags and a few syringes. Pills and other types of drugs he doesn't know stare at him. Oh. They're Jesse's... Does Finn know about this? Why would he keep something like that so close? It's like dangling meat in front of a lion.

And maybe that analogy was too on the nose. Because there are many assortment of drugs in front of him, sitting on his lap. He knows his found family aren't home. And he knows how to use them. Micah has never tried drugs but he remembers watching Jesse. He remembers all the times he pleaded for it to be the last time and all the times Jesse agreed. He'd always go back.