You Make It Easy

Find Someone Else.

Because HR wanted me to submit paperwork for workmen's compensation, that meant I also had to have a psychiatric evaluation done. The doctor that saw me, suggested I reach out to a therapist because she could tell I needed to talk to someone other than the people that experienced my miscarriage. As much as I didn't want it to help, it has. I've seen drastic improvements in my mood ever since seeing a therapist and it's only been a couple of weeks.

I've mastered how to control my breathing in situations where I lose it. It's really helped. Besides my outburst a few minutes ago, I have been doing a lot better.

I lock my car as I walk back into work. I scan my badge to let me through the set of locked doors. I put my keys back in my locker before going back to the break room. When I walk in, everyone starts clapping.

"You guys, stop."

"I think you actually got to her this time," Bridget tells me.

I roll my eyes, "Great. She'll come for my job tomorrow."

"No chance that happens. HR feels too bad."

She puts her arm around me, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah."

"Are you sure?"

"It's like I want to call him but I know I shouldn't. I need to figure out everything mentally before I do that. And honestly, I just want to be alone for a little bit. I don't want to worry about another person in my life."

"If that's what you have to do, then do it. I'm sure he'll understand."

"I hope so."

My leg bounces as I hold a stress ball in my hand, "What's bothering you," my therapist, Dr. Taylor, asks.

"I got a stupid gift from my friend that I haven't spoken to in a month."

"Your baby daddy?"

"Can you say that to me?"

"Maya, you know what I mean? You won't call him by his name. So that's the next best thing."

"Yes."

"What was this gift?"

"Flowers with a note in the center."

"What was on the note?"

"Him apologizing even though he didn't need to."

"So why don't you tell him that?"

"Because I don't want him to think that everything is okay when it's not."

"What do you mean? How is not okay?"

"Because I'm still mad at myself."

"You've been doing your breathing exercises?"

"Any time I feel worked up or anxious or stressed."

"Have you thought about another way to relieve stress?"

"Like what?"

"Exercising always helps me. I always go before work to relieve any stress from the previous day. I don't go to build my physique. It's more mental than anything. Are you part of a gym?"

"Yeah."

"Do you go?"

"When I get the time."

"So never?"

"Yeah."

"Why don't you try that? You don't have to go to make yourself feel better physically. It's more of a mental state. I tend to think that when I go to the gym, I think clearer throughout the day."