My Poetry Journal || Fyodor Dostoevsky

I'm so tired.

Please tell me. Tell me how much longer I have to wait. How much longer until I can rest. How long must I keep going on with this life? With these thoughts, this world.. These people. I am so tired. How much longer must I punish myself for? That is all I do now, punish.. Everyday for every thought. I punish myself for things I didn't even do. It's all so pointless though.. No matter what I do, it's not going to fill that void inside my heart. I have recently discovered that; without tea, my entire day would be numb. Tea fills the void I constantly feel in the middle of my stomach. So, where would I be if it weren't for tea? Maybe that sounds like a joke to some. But I get it -- tea is so sweet, it tastes so nice.. No wonder it helps make me feel better. But - it is not enough to give me passion. Not enough to make me feel alive. Not enough to get rid of that void in my heart. It has been ripped out of my chest; I don't have a heart anymore. If I do then it went completely dark. I would rather do something cruel to others than open my heart back up. I wish I was alone and not loved by anyone. And I wish I had never loved anybody at all! Life would be better then, but being incapable of love is also hell and torture. Don't you get it now? There is nowhere for me to return! I have no where! No one! I can't feel connections - but at the same time I do!? My dearest friend has the key to my heart. The only one I will ever love. I would watch the world burn down with my dearest friend by my side. But I know the feelings will never truly be mutual.. We are both too far gone. It is to late for us.. I wish I could give up, erase myself from existence. Pretend there is nothing happening between us, but that feeling never leaves!!! Why do I feel this way?? Why can't they.. It hurts so much. I am so fucking tired of this. I need them, their love. I need their love in deeper depths. I feel like they can't see me, they can but they can't see me. How many times do I have to yell out my love to them? Will they ever get it? Will I ever be heard..? They are not just a friend to me. But I can't bring myself to say what they really mean, not anymore. Whenever I dare think about this -- it hurts. I feel so obsessive, so protective, so jealous. I want them to be mine and mine alone but I don't want to be with them. Love will be what is going to destroy us and i can't wait to see that happen, my dear..