What You Deserve

Chapter Seven

"Did you doubt it?"

How could I not? How could I be around you, know you, touch your very soul and not love you?

And yet...

Cas was startled by the look in Dean's eyes. No, they screamed, no, you're lying, how could you, you can't- The pain and denial he found in the usually warm green sliced through Cas' chest like a knife, realization hitting him so suddenly he couldn't breathe.

He didn't know. Dean didn't know. He truly hadn't known.

But Cas had thought...he had told him. He'd told Dean, more than once, maybe not always in so many words, but... He had, when he thought he was dying in that barn all those years ago, he'd- He'd simply thought Dean had been uncomfortable with Cas' feelings for him. So he'd buried them, never mentioned it again, kept being Dean's friend, kept loving him in a way Dean could accept...

He hadn't known.

"Dean you...you didn't know...", Cas breathed, and Dean looked at him like he'd lost his mind.

"Know? I...didn't- Cas... "

"I-" Oh, Dean...

You don't think you deserve to be saved, he'd told Dean the day they met.

And nothing had changed.

You don't think you deserve to be loved.

"I must apologize", Cas said, his heart aching. "I'd never have let you go on feeling that way if I'd been aware that my feelings for you wouldn't just cause you discomfort. I'll never let you feel that way again, Dean. If you...if you want me to, if you'll let me...I'll make sure to spend the rest of our days showing you just how loved you truly are", he promised, every cell in his body hurting with the need to make sure Dean never felt anything but loved and worthy.

"Y-You..." Dean licked his lips, a spark of barely concealed hope and longing breaking through the mist of insecurity clouding his eyes. "You love me even though-"

"No." Cas smiled. "I love you because."

Again, Dean stared, a battle raging behind Dean's eyes, a battle Cas desperately wanted to fight and win for him. But he knew he couldn't, knew that Dean had to be the one to wield that sword himself. All he could do was wait, wait and smile and hope.

"Damn, Cas."

Dean blinked, and all of a sudden, the tension his body had been holding seemed to release all at once, his shoulders slumping when a heavy breath escaped Dean's lips. He surged forward, a hand coming up to curl around the back of Cas' neck, the other holding onto his bare forearm like the last branch to keep him from falling.

"God knows I got no clue why you'd choose me but..." Dean breathed out in disbelief, shaking his head to himself slightly, a smile starting to curl the corners of his mouth. "I'm too damn selfish to question it now."

And then he was kissing him, warm lips pressing against Cas' and the hand on his neck curling to tangle in the dark locks of hair. Cas welcomed him, pouring his relief into the kiss as he slung an arm around Dean's waist to pull him closer, his other hand coming up to cup his face, a thumb gently trailing over Dean's cheekbone. Dean was panting slightly when the kiss broke, both unwilling to bring too much distance between them, leaning their foreheads together instead.

"Don't ever question it again", Cas picked up what Dean had said before. "Please, Dean, I couldn't bear if you changed your mind, I-"

"I won't. Long as you don't."