What If Bertholdt had Survived

A Crushing Weight

Bertholdt felt helpless, he had barely escaped the scouts, and was now on the back of the cart Titan.

"ZEKE!!! WE HAVE TO GO BACK!!"

"We can't Bertholdt"

"WE CAN'T JUST LEAVE REINER BEHIND!!!"

"We don't have a choice!!"

"But..."

"ENOUGH! YOUR LUCKY WE WERE ABLE TO GET YOU OUT!"

"REINER...ANNIE.."

Bertholdt jerked awake. He could feel the cold sweat on his forehead. He laid in bed trying to catch his breath.

When he got his breathing under control he slowly got out of bed, looking at the clock on the wall.

2:30am

"I hope I did wake my father" he thought making his was to the bathroom.

He flicked on the light. Staring at his pale face. He had bags underneath his eyes, and stubble covering his chin.

Most people who saw him thought it was due to his time on Paradis that made him look like a ghost of himself. They were right, but not for the reason they thought.

It had been a year and a half since he returned to Marley. Everyday the crushing guilt weighed him down. The guilt of all those people he killed, betraying his friends, leaving Reiner and Annie behind.

He splashed some cold water on his face. He had to be up early tomorrow for a meeting. According to Zeke he was going to be promoted soon to vice-captain of the Warrior Unit.

But he wanted out, he never wanted to be a part of this anyways. Unfortunately he knew they had leverage over him in the form of his father.

"You could always run away" Ymir's voice echoed in his head. He had confided everything in her before she was scarified to Porco. He sat outside her cell sobbing as he confessed his sins, as he apologized for everything.

"Bertholdt remember I came willingly knowing what would happen." She said.

If he had away to get his dad off the island, he had thought about breaking Ymir out and fleeing.

"I just...hope Historia lives a long and happy life" she said sadly.

Bertholdt had to hold back tears as he watched a pure Titan Porco devour Ymir.

Rubbing his eyes. He made his way back into his room. Sitting at his desk, he turned on a lamp and pulled out his journal.

This had become a habit of his, nightmare, anxiety, guilt, and then writing it all out in a series of letters to no one.

Dear Friend,

I had that same dream again. That day in Shiganshina when I thought I had finally lost all emotion. But I was wrong.

I'm haunted by the faces of those I've killed, by Marcel, Ymir...those who I betrayed.

Levi.

I spoke with Reiner's mother today. It's almost disturbing how quick she has moved on from Reiner not coming home. She was sad, but I think she was more relived that despite Reiner failing, she got to keep her honorary Marley status. In all the years I've know Reiner and his family. I think it's becoming clear that his mother saw him more as a tool for her own personal gain.

What's even more horrifying is how radicalized his young cousin is becoming. Karina has her convinced that Reiner has either been killed or is being tortured by the "island devils". But for some reason I don't think that's true. I just have a feeling that he is alive, but I don't think he's being treated any worse than he would be here.

Reiner made me promise him that if he didn't make it back, I would stop Gabi from joining the Warrior Unit. I'm doing everything in my power to subtly undo the damage Karina and Marley propaganda has done, but I fear I might be too late.

Colt's younger brother is joining up, but again like Colt, he doesn't have much of a choice. It's incredible how long the Marley government will make a family pay for their past sins.

Meanwhile Porco couldn't be more pleased. I know he is struggling dealing with his brother's death. I never told him he died saving Reiner, instead I told him it was me. I can handle him being angry at me. But now that he has the Jaw Titan, it's like he finally feels useful, like he got what he finally deserved. He still doesn't know that it was his own brother that prevented him from inheriting the armored Titan.

H*ll if he wanted the "honor" and "glory" I would have gladly let him take the Colossal. I never wanted it anyways. I never wanted any of this.

But at least my father is still alive and can now get the medical care he needs.

Bertholdt

He set down the pen and rubbed his temples. The silence that hung in the air let him know that his father was still asleep. Bertholdt let out an exhausted sigh.

"Vice-captain Bertholdt Hoover" he muttered. Hearing that made his skin crawl. However, thinking about his sleeping father, he knew he didn't have choice.

To be continued