right where you left me

Chapter 45 - Endure and Survive

"Hi," I answered. "How've you been?"

"Good, good. A more important question is how have you been?" she asked, looking sincere.

"I've been better. Thanks Ells." She softly smiled at me, before touching my arm and walking off. There was something about her that just settled my heart. But she had her own girl, and even though I didn't have mine now, I knew that once I had fixed myself, I could find her again, if only she may wait for that.

I knew I shouldn't expect it but god, I hoped.

In our first game against Scotland, I didn't play. Tony didn't want me out there just yet, making sure I was fully rested for the England game, which I assured him I wanted to start. He took that into consideration, and as we sat in the locker room at Wembley, I was given the nod.

This is what I had dreamt of. I had always wished to play in this stadium. I wanted to feel the crowds cheering, whether they were going for me or against me. I wanted to see the thousands backing their team. The atmosphere was something I could only ever dream of.

And I was here; going out to play.

It was all I had dreamt of.

I paced outside the locker room, trying to contain my excitement. In moments like these, I forgot about the hell, and the heaven, and everything in between. All

I thought and felt about the moments I was about to endure and survive.

We soon went out, and I stood at the back of the line. I saw Leah's ponytail sway behind her, as she led her own team. They were unbeaten for 30 games, but everyone knew that the Matildas loved to be the underdogs.

England had most of the possession. Leah was playing in the back and had much time on the ball. She loved to stream herself forward, and each time I came close to her, she would pass it off, running back to support her line. I wanted to go up to her, right there and then on the pitch, and come clean. I wanted to tell her I wasn't a horrible person. It was all a huge misunderstanding. But I couldn't. I had to do what was best for her and for me.

Early in that match, I passed the ball out to Hayley on the wing as I was playing as the AM. I saw Sam in front of me, and I had a great vision of what could happen if Hayley played the cross.

Except Leah got in the way. She headed the ball out, and play restarted. I tried not to look at her, but the pleasing expression on her face only made me feel happy for her. She was playing well.

Except when she wasn't. I passed a long ball to Sam, just hoping for the best, and a mistake from Leah, led to Sam slotting it past Mary Earps. I ran over to Sam to celebrate, but I didn't go too hard. I didn't want to be disrespectful to her.

The half continued and ended 1-0.

As we started the second part of the game, we scored again. I was about to cross the ball out to Charlie as we were on a fast break, and she slotted it behind Mary once again. We were up 2-0 at Wembley against the European Champions. The crowd was silent.

The English girls started to get frustrated, meaning we were all subjected to some pretty brutal tackles. I was brought down by Leah at one point, and as I lay on the ground, staring up at her, there was something between us. There was a hurt. There was a pain that we both shared. I didn't know what to do. Leah soon moved off, as Sam came over to help me up.

"You okay?" she asked, knowing of the tensions that were currently between me and Leah.

"I'm- yeah."

The game ended 2-0, and as I shook hands with all the players, I wanted to give her a hug. I wanted to kiss her, right there and then, but we both stared at each other and moved on, not touching.

"What happened?" Ellie said, whispering into my ear. She saw that whole exchange, I came to realize.

"You don't want to know," I replied.

"Oh I do," she answered. "If I can talk some sense into you, I want to know."

I went to Ellie's room that night, as she was packing to go back to Lyon. It was nothing more than talking. Just her and me. Just Tippah and Ellie.

Just Ellie.

"So, you broke up with her cause you thought that was what was best for her?" Ellie asked after I told her all that had happened over the past few months.

"Yes."

"And you told her you cheated on her?"

"Yes."

"And you were drunk?"

"Yes."

"And you were lied?"

"Yes."

"You're a fucking idiot," Ellie said, which caught me slightly off guard. I knew it was coming but the forwardness of how it was said reminded me of the Ellie and Tippah of old.

"I- what?"

"You're a fucking idiot."

"I heard you the first time."

"Listen, Tippah. I understand you want to protect her, but- but you can't decide that for her. She has to decide that for herself. And lying to her isn't going to help anything."

"But if I told her the truth, she would want to stay." I looked down at the ground, realizing what I had just said.

"She loves you, that's why." I couldn't look at Ellie again. I couldn't face it. She soon sighed and walked over to me. "Tipp, look at me." I raised my head; our eyes interlocked.

"Yeah?"

"I understand why you did it. You want to protect her. I tried protecting you; you tried protecting me. For so long. But you have to let her decide that." I realized how much I loved Ellie in that moment, both past and present. There was something so soulful about her. She reminded me of times that were good. "She's your now. She's your forever, I just know it."

"Ell, I love you, in a used-to-date-but-now-friends way." She laughed as I said this, leaning a head onto my shoulder. Our fingers interlocked and there was something fulfilling about all of this. All our struggles as Ellie and Tippah felt resolved.

"Just because we didn't work out, Tipp, I want nothing but the best for you. You're my soulmate, in a used-to-date-but-now-friends way." I reciprocated the laugh. "Go be smart. Stop being stupid."

Ellie soon left for Lyon and it was time for me to head back to the AirBnB that I was currently staying in. I couldn't deal with the questions from Lia and Caitlin for much longer. I knew I had to be smart about it. I had to get her back.

But I had no idea it would be as hard as it turned out to be. 

note:

- how is life everyone? we're not getting near the end but we're coming to the close I guess (as in closer to the end than the beginning) 

- I am bored so if u lot have life updates, id love to hear them too!!!