Questions And Answers...

No One Like You.

"Thanks for under there."

Kelly hesitated, searching for a sign, any sign that she still cared.

"Anytime."

A one word response that said nothing.

In the close confines under the crashed bus, she had practically drowned in the hundred different emotions swimming around in his eyes, her head tangling up in fifty ways.
But there had been too many weeks of being shut out by him, too many moments when he had made her feel like an intrusion in his life. So, now, she responded with a polite ' anytime' and turned away instead of refexively pulling him towards her like she once would have done.

Back at the firehouse, walking in on him in the turnout room, she forced back the overwhelming tidal wave of pain that threatened to consume her every time she saw him and swallow the sandpaper perpetually clogging her throat.

"This is harder than I thought it was going to be."

Undone by his admission, everything inside her wanted to scream at him that YES! This was fucking hard and that she was struggling to even remain sane. And it was his fault! His! For pushing her her away until she had nowhere to go but downwards.
And despite the helpless look on his face, that same sanity told her to keep him at arms length, warning her that he had the ability to destroy her in a way that even Grant couldn't.
So she bit her back her love and instead wondered what she could say that wouldn't give away her broken heart.

"We are never going to be able to work together if we can't move past this.....Kelly."

Was that really her voice? So emotionless? So pragmatic.

Kelly's stomach churned at the empty look on her face, realizing that for her, it really was over, and he didn't know how he was going to stop missing her.

"I agree."

Why did he say that?
He didn't agree at all. He didnt fucking agree with any of this!

She nodded as if they had reached some kind of concensus and in his Kelly Severide way, he let her walk away and only when he was alone did he drop his head and close his eyes in defeat, trying to block out the bleakness that had taken root inside him since she had walked away from the Loft that night.

Kelly started staying in his office more than usual, absently playing with her hair tie that he had found on his bathroom floor and now kept in his pocket, staring at the framed newstory on his wall of her rescuing him from the Chicago river.
More often than not, he took his meal alone, broodily pushing the food around on his plate. Inwardly, he just wished he was sitting next to her at the dining table, trying not to wriggle and give away to everyone else that under the table, she was teasing his balls.

And when he did come out of his office, he didn't even know that he took to surreptitiously watching her trying to train Tuesday the dalmation for the Fire safety dog competition. Her gentleness with the dog, a stark reminder of her inherent goodness. And he missed her a little bit more.

The rest of the time he looked for distractions and for a while the boat repair gig for Bradley Boyd, was a god send and kept him away from Stella and Molly's and his head and body beat. Until it wasn't. And it ended badly between the two men, like a lot of things for Kelly lately.

At times, it was as if no matter what either of them tried to do to put the past behind them, it only seemed to shunt it further forward in their heads, and if the sleepless nights had reduced slightly, it was only because there were more hangovers. Their respective apartments felt empty, despite Casey deciding to stay permanently at the Loft, but each day was missing the little things that added up to the huge hole they carried around inside them. The dozens of spontaneous touches, the exchanges of secret smiles, and then there was missing the sex. The mind-blowing, no holds barred sex.