right where you left me

Chapter 44 - Castles Crumbling

"It's looking good," the physio said to me.

"Really?" I asked.

"Yeah, honestly, we may be able to get you out there a little earlier."

"Really?" I asked, one more time, not believing him. If there was one thing pushing me through this whole ordeal, it is the idea I could be back on the pitch. And if that's soon, I wouldn't be able to contain my happiness or excitement.

The new plan of attack was the Tottenham game. It would give me the opportunity to help the team in the second leg of the Champions League semi-final, in which we drew Bayern Munich. They were going to be hard, but we were all glad it wasn't Lyon (I was particularly happy).

Viv was with me when I heard the news. She smiled the whole time and hugged me afterward.

"I'm so happy for you," she said to me, as she was doing her own exercises.

"Thanks," I answered.

"How are you?" she asked.

"Everyone keeps asking me that," I laughed, trying to move the past question.

"I think everyone is worried," she answered. "About you and Leah." The Dutch honesty was nice for a change. I sometimes hated how much people beat around the bush.

"Yeah well... I'm not too sure what to say." She looked at me, slightly frowning.

"Something needs to be done Tippah. You know this. I know this. You can't do this to yourself or to her. Be the big person here, own up to your mistakes, and make an effort."

"But-"

"There are no 'buts' here, Tippah. If something has happened, go and fix it." I looked at her, before nodding my head.

"Yeah, okay," I said. "Viv, thank you." I stumbled out of the room before returning with Caitlin and Lia.

Later that evening, I accidentally missed my scheduled phone call with Eden as I was walking ever so slowly to my old apartment. I knocked twice even though I had a key. I was standing on her doorstep. Her long blonde hair covered her shoulders. It had been nearly 10 days since we last spoke. 10 days of hurt. 10 days of grief. 10 days of regret.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I'm sorry I lied. I'm sorry I did that. I'm sorry for everything. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you." She looked at me, emotionless. It was as if the life had been drained from her eyes. I saw no spark. I saw no electricity. I just saw her, but not for who she was but rather for who she was not.

"Tippah-"

"No, please. I didn't mean to-"

"Then what did you mean to do? I have stood by you, through it all. I was here for everything, through everything. I don't know what more I could've done or should've done."

"There was nothing," I said, softly.

"I can't do this if all I will ever get out of this is hurt and heartache."

"But, I love you."

"And you think I don't love you?" she exclaimed. "I love you more than anyone I have ever loved before. You have this hold over me. I would have done anything for you. Absolutely anything. I would've and have looked over every single red flag that has come my way because I love you."

"I'm sorry," I said, once more.

"You can't keep saying that because nothing is going to change. You did what you did and I'm sorry, but, I need to stand up for myself."

"I just-"

"Tippah, no. You hurt me. You hurt me." There was now a glimmer or pain in her eyes as a tear fell from her face. I wanted more than anything to go up to her and wipe her tears. I wanted to hold her. I wanted to say sorry again, and again, and again.

"I'm sorry."

"You have to stop. You need to stop. I keep playing that night in my head, over and over again. I keep seeing you lying there. Vomit spewing out of your mouth, confessing every single thing that you did. The drinking. The lying. Everything. I just- you don't need me, Tipp, you need help."

"I have a problem," I said, vulnerably.

"I know you have a problem, but I can't fix it for you. You have to do it yourself."

"I'm sorry I lied. I'm sorry I did all those things to you."

"I'm not sure you are," Leah said.

"I am," I replied, insistently. "I know I'm the villain. I fuck everything up. I always do."

"Tippah, do not victimize yourself here. Do not do that. You're the one that went out and cheated. You can't keep victimizing yourself. Own up to your mistakes." She looked around to see if anyone was outside. Thankfully it was dark. "Look, we will do what we have to do. I am your captain, nothing is going to change in that respect. I will talk to you when I have to, and you can come to me when you need. But other than that, leave me alone. I don't want to see you right now." 

note:

- yeh sorry queens but come on we all knew it was coming... 

- anyways GUESS WHO GOT INTO A CAR CRASH ... yep me (the dumb bitch writing this)

- i genuinely think that im scared to go back in a car (and I WILL NOT BE DRIVING FOR MANY MANY MANY weeks (maybe months))

- also this bitch (yes me) is now 19!!!! i feel so old and also the age taylor was when she dated j*hn m*yer and i feel weird. 

- anyways, live laugh love <3 

- SIDE NOTE ALESSIA TO ARSENAL FEELS WRONG but also love her <3