right where you left me

Chapter 43 - Start of the End

"Hi," I said into her ear, as my head was buried into her shoulder. I looked up to see Georgia and Keira chatting behind her. "Hi guys," I then said to them, waving slightly. They smiled at me, and Leah soon pushed a piece of my hair behind my ear.

"Did Mum talk your head off?" she asked.

"No more than usual," I replied. I pressed a small kiss onto her cheek, but nothing more. She smiled softly.

"Good goal G," I soon said to Georgia, as they both came over to us. A few kids were waiting for autographs and even though Leah was distracted, Keira and Georgia both upheld their duties.

"She's been practicing," Keira joked, nudging her friend.

All around me, there were kids screaming and pushing, trying to get as close to the front as they could. I knew it was time I left.

"I'll see you soon?" I said to her. Leah soon whispered into my ear.

"I think I'm going to be rested next game, so-"

"Okay, I may go back to London then and try and see if they'll take this goddamn cast off."

"Okay, good. But-"

"Don't worry, I'll be at the game when you lift the trophy."

"If we lift the trophy," Leah corrected.

"Don't be such a negative Nancy," I joked, before squeezing her hand and walking back through the crowd.

The next morning I headed back to London, knowing I had to start this rehab experience. Hopefully, once the cast was off it would only be a month or so. I was really pushing the time frame but I had always been a quick healer (both physically and metaphorically.)

Beth came with me to the doctor. Since her own injury, she had been the designated supporter for all the girls who came in and out of the physio room with their own injuries.

"I think," the doctor said, "this cast can come off."

"Thank fuck," I said, and Beth chuckled softly.

"It hasn't been that long!" Beth exclaimed.

"It's been long enough," I replied.

The cast came off that day, and I finally had a weight lifted (literally). It was sore, and a little rusty, but I felt settled knowing with some rehab I'll be back to normal (well as normal as I can be.)

I spent the next few days with Beth and Viv, doing our individual physio routines. Beth was ahead of schedule and I knew she was pushing for the World Cup. Viv knew her fate, and I was glad she was being realistic. I was scared for Beth. I was scared that she would push herself to be ready just to miss out. Handling disappointment is never easy.

"How's everything that's going on at home?" Viv asked me, as we got lunch together. Jen was here too, as she was no longer joining Scotland for international break after retiring.

"It's- it's so strange," I said, eating my pineapple fried rice that had become a staple within the team's chef.

"I can only imagine," Jen added.

"I just hope that I won't have to think about it, again."

"Have you talked to anyone in your family?" Beth asked.

"I went to Germany to see my sister," I said. "Also, have you met Jill's girlfriend?" I turned to Viv to ask this question.

"I haven't met her, but Jill's definitely given me a run down. She seems very nice."

"Yeah, well, she's my sister," I said, casually, but knowing it would come as a shock.

"What the fuck," Beth exclaimed.

"I thought-"

"Yeah, well, I didn't know until last week," I laughed. "Wait, I don't know if it, you know, is still on the down low. But, how funny?"

"Hillarious," Viv said, sarcastically.

"Anyways, I have spoken to her but no one else. I think I'm in the bad books." I tried to make this conversation light-hearted and funny, but I think I was in the minority for that.

"What are you going to do?" Beth asked.

"Nothing, it's not my problem." I always did this. Any problems that surfaced, I would push away. Whether that was trying to forget about it, or drinking until I do, I tried to not think about the problems that would surface themselves in my life. In a moment like this, I wanted a drink more than ever before.

The rest of the international break went well, as I was stuck in London doing my rehab. The team physio said I may be able to be back playing for the Matildas by the next international break but I did fear that was a tad optimistic.

"But would I be back for Arsenal before then?" I asked.

"I think we could work on the timeline of the Man City game, before the April Window; I think that's slightly more realistic than the quarter-finals." I sighed. I wanted to be back before the Bayern games. I wanted to be there to help the team, but injuring myself more would not aid in a win. I knew that.

I went to the final game of the Arnold Clark Cup in Bristol. With Leah's guidance, I navigated the National Rail and more specifically the Paddington train station which always reminded me of that book series I read as a child. Beth was heading to the game as well but went earlier in her car, and so I missed out on a lift.

England was up against Belgium, and a win would secure the cup. I knew they had it in them. They were competent and had been on fire recently. Leah had been leading her team to such successes and achievements.

The game was that of a craze. Chloe bagged herself a brace, with Lucy also scoring a goal. A Belgium player accidentally gave England another goal, and Leah scored two (doubling her total England account.) Although Belgium did score a screamer through Elene Dhont, the game was sealed and England won 6-1.

As I left the stadium, knowing I'd see Leah later, I walked past the bar, seeing the stacks of alcohol calling my name. I knew I had to push these intrusive thoughts to the back of my mind, but with all my recent stress and anxieties, what does one drink do, right?

I was about to head over until I felt a hand grab my own.

"Come on," Beth said, as she was watching the game too. "Let's go." I smiled at her, and she led me out. We drove back together, and she dropped me at my apartment.

"Thank you," I said to her.

"You're not alone, okay? We're all here. Through the stress, and worries, and everything in between." I smiled at her, trying not to shed a tear.

"Thank you," I repeated.

I headed back inside, and went straight to the bathroom, to get ready for bed. The stress and the worries and the everything in between, however, was not something anyone could fix. It would be embedded into my forever. I hadn't myself for putting people through that. I hated myself for putting Leah through that. She deserved more than what I could ever give her. I was not who she signed up for. I was heavy. I was problematic. I was the issue.

And I hated myself every single day for it.

Note:

- THIS IS AN EDITED UPDATE BUT I JUST WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW I DO HAVE ERAS TOUR TICKETS FOR SYDNEY! AND IM DYING