God are You There

God's Word

I am raised to believe in God and in the church. Every Sunday I must attend church and pray every night,morning and before any meal I eat. I am taught bible verse after verse how he is all seeing and can even hear the thoughts that come up in my feeble mind every single one. How he could fix and punish all evil he sees and protect us from it and if we dont believe in his guidance and true word then we must be punished too. But is it true? If he does, why? Why am I in so much pain?Why am I bleeding? But I must shush away any unsafe,unnatural and impure thoughts from my mind. I can't be a sinner. These thoughts are horrible. I must resist the devil as he can't taint my heart from my true leader and lord.

I'm getting ready to go to my lord's house. I stood up from the vanity to go down stairs. Mother was already down. She looked at me with a concerned face and tone as she said "Mija te ves como si vas a el baile. Estás segura que quieres ir a la iglesia con esa cantidad de maquillaje y ese vestido muestra mucho ya no eres una mocosa." I looked up and down at the floral dress that I chose to wear for today. My mother gave me this dress for my 15th birthday. I assumed that the dress would still fit today. I asked my mother in an ashamed tone "Mother do want me to change my dress since its nearing 8 and we're gonna be late" Mother replied in a offended look as she yelled "CLARO QUE QUIERO QUE TE CAMBIAS TÚ QUIERES HACERME LA PAYASA DE LA IGLESIA? YA VETE A CAMBIAR!!!" I ran up the stairs and changed into another dress that covered my lady parts much better then ran down the stairs. Mother gave an approving look. I sighed in relief then ran out the house and went into the car. Father asked in an angry tone "Porque durastes tanto?" My mother replied "Porque tu hija quiso vestirse como una puta" Its already 8:05 am we are officially late for the service we continued the car ride in silence and we finally got to the church around 8:15 am

We entered the big doors to the church. The pastor has already started, mother gave me a look as almost everyone in looked at us entered the church late. We went to the last seats available that were at the very back. Mother hated those seats, she said something about how those seats are the furthest away from god. As we were sitting down the pastor looked at me and smiled. I smiled back since I wanted to be nice but something deep inside of me just felt off. I felt scared when he smiled. The pastor was talking about our God wanting all his creations to stay prue without that taint of the sin of lust. That it's most important for the women to stay pure that it is God's intent for our flower to be untouched and unbroken. That if we commit the sin of lust and lie with a man before marriage that we must marry that man and if we do God will forgive our sin of lust. The Pastor continued speaking but I am stuck on the word forgive.

My lord said that we must forgive everyone who has wronged us, even our greatest enemy. But what is forgiveness? Is forgiveness just saying what the other person has done is ok that their actions didn't hurt me or is it having to pretend that the action a person did didn't happen and go back to normal? I understand forgiving the small things that aren't as damaging things that don't hurt and can heal. But i don't think i can forgive things that can hurt me so deeply, things that can't heal they just scar. But God says to forgive every single person that has wronged us and I should alway listen to what he has to say since I'm just a feeble human and he is an all strong being.

I am so deep in thought that I didn't realize that the service is almost over. Everyone is already saying their goodbyes and my mother is calling my name telling me to hurry up. Mother is talking to the Pastor about the service. She is saying how she loves the service today. I went up to them and said the same thing to the Pastor even though I don't really understand what it means to lay with a man. I just said it to be nice. Then the Pastor grabbed my shoulder and said in a kind tone "Que bueno que te gusto la misa hoy." Then he said to mother "Tienes tanta suerte que tiene una hija tan asombrosa muchas chicas de su edad no le tiene tanta interés en la iglesia como ella lo tiene." I took his hand off my shoulder as he is saying that since it's  making me kinda uncomfortable. After I did that mother gave me a look then we said our goodbyes and as we are walking out mother asks me "Porque le quitastes su mano de tu hombro no te crié para ser irrespetuosa especialmente con el Padre." I replied, "Ya lo se madre es que me hizo incómoda." Mother told me "Porque dice que te hace sentir incómoda si él es el Padre que te va a ser".  I replied "tienes razón." We left and went into the car. Father is already waiting for me and mother. He drove us to a restaurant that we always go to after church without a word in the car being said.

We finally got to the restaurant. The restaurant that we always go to where we order the same thing every sunday after church and have the same conversation with me and mother and father just staying silent and agreeing with mother. The server finally came i want to chose something i so i pick red velvet pancakes with eggs and 2 pieces of bacon when i was telling the server mother gave me a look and i instantly know that mother didn't approve of my choice but she didn't say a word so i kept my order then mother and father order their usuals. We stay in silence waiting for the food. It's always like this either my mother is insulting something about me or in complete utter silence. I feel like my mother always finds something at fault with me. I mean she isn't wrong but I wish she said it in a more nice manner. But mother says that sugar counting the truth is as bad or worse than lying and since lying is a sin we shouldn't do it. But I don't feel like that is true but if i know something is that mother words are true and cant say otherwise. But what if lies aren't as bad as some make it out to be? I just feel like some lies can protect us. Am I really supposed to say every truth to everyone? I understand not lying about the big things that cause to break trust and lying a lot over small things.I zoned out again. Mother is calling my name again and I come back to reality.

The food is here. I look at the food and my mother sighs and rolls her eyes. I know what she means when she gives those looks but I try my hardest not to care. We all hold hands and close our eyes as we all united say "Señor Dios, te damos gracias porque nos haces partícipes de tus maravillas; te alabamos por los dones de tu amor y te bendecimos por la amistad que nos concedes vivir en torno a esta mesa" I open my eyes and look at my mother and father as this is the time were we are closes we never give each other any physical affection other than right now when hold each other hands. I start eating my eggs and bacon before eating my pancakes. While I'm eating I start thinking as I always do. I know I'm not supposed to question the rules that god had made for us but I just can't help it.

Why do I have to pray to him? Why am I supposed to say these words to him every time we go to church or right when I go to sleep and wake and right before eating food? They say that he hears every prayer and that we do it to build a relationship with him. But i just feel like it's a one-sided relationship like I'm just saying these long speeches to the air without him even hearing me like I'm just being ignored. Why doesn't he respond back? Why can't he listen to my pleas? Why can't he answer my questions? I hush away these thoughts since the church said not to question him. He has a plan. I know it. I may not know what it is now, but I know I'll figure it out in the future. I should really just shut up and follow as I'm just a sheep and he is my shepherd. There is no need to question him. I know I'm in the right hands.

𝐀𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫𝐬 𝐍𝐨𝐭𝐞:
𝐓𝐡𝐱𝐬 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐝𝐨 𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐢𝐭 𝐢 𝐝𝐨 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐚𝐲 𝐢𝐦 𝐧𝐨 𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐢 𝐝𝐨𝐧𝐭 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐬𝐨 𝐨𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐝 𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐦𝐦𝐞𝐫 𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐞𝐬 𝐢 𝐝𝐨 𝐚𝐩𝐨𝐥𝐲𝐠𝐢𝐳𝐞 𝐚𝐥𝐬𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐟𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐢𝐬 𝐚𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐢 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐰𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐢𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐠𝐨𝐞𝐬 𝐰𝐞𝐥𝐥 𝐢 𝐦𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐮𝐩𝐝𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐲