Becoming (INSECURE SEQUEL)

25

"Hey."I smile at her.

"Hi." She responds with that fake smile that she's mastered.

I take my hand with the bag in it from behind my back. I'll admit that I didn't consider the way I would approach her with pregnancy tests when they're the reason she's been blankly staring at reruns all day. Just as I do, she turns around to look at me and I ease the bag into its hiding spot behind me.

"I don't know what's wrong with me." She sighs.

I guess she thinks I'm standing here like a crazy person because I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with her.

"Nothing is wrong with you." I say.

Her eyes are fixated on the remote in her hands. She stares at it blankly which makes me assume that whatever she's thinking about has nothing to do with the tv. I think she'll start crying and she doesn't want me to see it.

"Everyone I know always gets everything before I do." She swallows. "When I was younger they all hit puberty before I did, guys liked them before me, they were so much smarter, so much prettier. Then, they graduated college and got jobs first, they got married, bought houses, had babies. I thought- I don't know- I thought since I was older that I was done being the only person who never gets what she wants. but I never get anything that I want. No matter how nice I am or how hard I work. I don't understand. and that isn't what's upsetting me. I used to care so much and now I don't. I don't feel anything and I don't know what to do about that."

She didn't look at me for a single word of anything she said. She told me a long time ago how she's always had to work extra hard to feel equal with her peers, which sounds normal, but with her it was that way for every little thing. When she told me, she explained how she had come to the conclusion that she thinks it was that way because she skipped two grades; and it sounds fair enough, but that was never the issue. She's so susceptible to criticism and I knew it early on in our relationship. So when she told me about how hard everything is for her, I always knew it had more to do with her inner feelings of inadequacy opposed to the way she's actually treated.

It was stupid of me to never imagine I would see all of these feelings fold in on her one day.

"and I feel pathetic for feeling this way, I really do. I feel like everyone sees right through me. They see that I'm just a try hard, want to be who doesn't actually do anything important."

I immediately give her the stupid look of sympathy that I loathe whenever it's given to me.

"I think that you are pregnant." I blurt out when nothing else comes to my mind.

All that warrants from her is a shocked, teary look of disgust. Fair enough.

I'm such an idiot. I should know that pregnancy isn't going to wipe away all of her issues. I just think that she's only feeling this way because of hormones or whatever.

"Get out." She glares at me.

"No, no, listen." I walk towards her. "Think about it, you've been so-uhm-" I get nervous mid way through. I was going to say she's been so moody, but she's already looking at me like she wants to claw my eyes out. "You know, easily irritated. and sad. Basically, nothing like yourself-"

"Sad and annoyed is nothing like myself? You just want me to always be perfect? I just told you that's not real!" She starts to raise her voice.

"Lily, you're yelling at me with fresh tears in your eyes because you were just sobbing two minutes ago."

"I'm yelling because you're pissing me off!" She scoffs, starting to cry again.

I sigh. I sit my bag on the bed next to her. Her eyes glance at the bag and then back up to me.