You're a Badger, Harry

33: This is a Spoiler-Free Title, Readers

Summary: This summary is also spoiler-free. Which means it's as useful as a drunk skunk going kerplunk. (Well, I'd actually argue that the skunk is more useful but *shrug*)

The news annoyed Harry at first. In his past life — oh yeah, this is a time travel fic — the Inquisitorial Squad hadn't been formed until after the whole Marietta fiasco (Sage had some unpopular choice words about that) and Dumbledore's departure.

Anyway, for whatever reason, and Harry suspected Azure the goose was a significant part of it, Umbridge had been given the go-ahead to implement the squad.

So yes, Harry was annoyed. Until he came up with a brilliant, totally awesome idea that hinged on Draco being a member of the Inquisitorial Squad.

Draco, of course, refused at first. But as the saying went, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer" and Draco became a reluctant member. On the condition that he'd get to keep watching his Muggle films and series in his dorm.

Umbridge reluctantly agreed, which unfortunately resulted in many Slytherins being slammed with annoying quotes. Snape had to step in after several complaints.

"Malfoy, many of your housemates are asking you to... shut the... heck up."

Draco leaned back in his seat. "Why? Give me one good reason."

Snape raised an eyebrow as if to say, Only one? but answered anyway. "First of all, you're disrupting their study time. Secondly, you're encouraging others to do the same. Third —"

"Third already?" Draco broke in, eyebrows raised. "Guess I better watch myself. I hear fourth kind is a butt thing."

Snape closed his eyes, counted to five, and then —

Graham Montague burst into the common room. "Professor Umbridge! I know where Potter is having his club!"

Umbridge, who had been in the middle of speaking with a few members of he Inquisitorial Squad, whirled around, eyes alight. But before either of them could speak further, the door to Snape's office opened and a pale blur came flying out to land in a heap on the floor.

A disheveled Draco slowly climbed back to his feet and smoothed the wrinkles in his uniform. "Continue."

This was it. The moment Umbridge was waiting for. She was going to do it. She was going to catch that wretched Potter boy and have him expelled once and for all. After two weeks of countless wild goose chases —

("Will someone please catch the goddamn goose so we can have a little bit of peace???!?!!!"

"HOONNNKK!!!!")

— two weeks of tolerating Draco's random lines —

("I'm sorry that people are so jealous of me, but I can't help it that I'm popular.")

— after several hours of hard work, the Inquisitorial Squad finally cracked the code. And some glow sticks. Because they were absolutely vital to enter... for some reason.

(Narrator voice: They were, in fact, not vital. Draco just really wanted to crack some glow sticks.)

The group stood in front of the closet that would take them directly to the secret location in which Harry Potter held the illegal Defense club, holding their wands and glow sticks tightly like they were preparing for battle.

Pansy Parkinson, clad in a bright pink glow stick necklace, stepped forward.

"Ego fragmen stercore!"

The door flung open and —

They all stared at the Muggle phone that was tucked in the speaker set and blaring unfamiliar (to them, the uncultured swines) music.

We're no strangers to love
You know the rules and so do I
A full commitment's what I'm thinking of
You wouldn't get this from any other guy

"What the —?" Crabbe finally muttered.

"Turn it off! Turn it off!" Umbridge yelled, waving her hands like she was swatting a fly.

"Turn it up! Turn it up!" Tracey Davis cheered, bouncing on the balls of her feet and waving the brilliant violet glow stick Draco had equipped her with.

Umbridge was beginning to regret allowing her into the Inquisitorial Squad.

Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you

"Wait a second!" Something dawned on Pansy. "The password to open the closet was..." Her face flushed. "I am not a piece of shit!"

That certainly hadn't been what she had said moments before.

Someone cast the Silencing Charm on the phone, but instead of... well, silencing it, the volume merely grew.

An attempt to break the speaker made it worse; the song started up in another location, causing a few nearby ghosts to halt midair to listen.

"Turn it off!" Umbridge shrieked, while making no move to even attempt to do so.

The music suddenly shifted ever so slightly. It sounded mostly the same, but the lyrics that came next were... not quite the correct ones.

I do not want to pay
I'll never do that again
Don't lean on the table
You are not allowed to cry
Boomerang!

At that moment, something shot out of the closet, narrowly missing the members of the Inquisitorial Squad.

"Was that a —?"

Boomerang!

"Shit, it's coming back!"

"Yes, boomerangs tend to do that."

"Fuck off, Draco!"

Draco fucked off (i.e., swaggered away humming the song under his breath). Tracey followed a moment later, sniggering to herself.

The sounds of the Inqusitorial Squad and Umbridge shrieking and whining faded away in the distance, as did the song.

I'm not a goat
I do not want to be what I am
Far from fleeing and yitewewoteli
There are no beds
Boomerang!...!

The working title had been, You Have Been Rickrolled, Bitch/Idiots/[some other insult], but that would have given it away. Which would completely defeat the purpose of a Rickroll.

Anywho, the song used was (obviously) "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley but also the Google Translated version by Malinda Kathleen Reese and Tom McGovern.