You're a Badger, Harry

23: You are a Triwizard Champion, Harry

Summary: Ah, such CALM™; Cedric legally cannot swear

"This is such... hippogriff shit!"

"Harry —" Cedric began, wincing at the crude language being spewed.

"Here I was hoping for a peaceful year, but nooooo, I get put into the murder tournament. Muggle-fucking-troll-shit!"

Cedric gasped. "Harry, that's a wizard swear!"

"Trouble must be a Hufflepuff because it keeps... fucking... finding me!"

"Harry —"

"I'm too young to be murdered to death!" Harry wailed, sinking to the floor. Okay, yes, technically he was older than fourteen, but the others didn't need to know that.

Fleur and Viktor stared down at him, not quite knowing what to think. Cedric just shrugged. "You get used to him. Eventually."

"Are you?" asked Fleur.

"Eh..."

At that moment, Ludo Bagman entered the room. "Extraordinary! Absolutely extraordinary!" He hadn't even noticed Harry facedown on the floor yet. "Gentlemen... lady. May I introduce — er, Harry?"

"Yeah?" came the muffled reply.

"Are you okay?"

"No."

Fleur stepped forward, her long, silvery hair glowing in the firelight. "This little boy said his name came out of the goblet."

"I wish I was joking," Harry said mournfully.

In came a group of professors, including Remus. Sirius was with him. Before they could move, Dumbledore lunged forward, shoved them aside, punched Snape in the face, did a cartwheel, yeeted a table, Apparated to West Virginia and back*, and yanked Harry to his feet.

*How did Dumbledore Apparate within Hogwarts' walls? Fanfiction magic.

"DIDYA PUT YOUR NAME IN THE GOBLET OF FIYAH????!!?!!??!!!!???!!!!!???!!!!???!!" he asked calmly.

"No."

Snape rolled his eyes. He probably would have scoffed if it weren't for the fact he was more focused on his bleeding nose. McGonagall silently handed him a handkerchief.

"DIDYA ASK AN OLDER STUDENT TO PUT IT INTO THE GOBLET OF FIYAH FOR YOU?!?!?!!???!" Dumbledore continued, still using that very calm, very soothing voice like a caring grandfather would use.

"No," Harry repeated.

"Liar liar, plants for hire," said Karkaroff.

"It's ants on a tire, broom head," said Sage, who had materialized in the room and was now munching on popcorn. Cedric looked at her disapprovingly.

"Pretty sure it's chants for choir," said Fleur.

"Only in America," Sage told her.

"Sounds legit," said Sirius.

"Can we get back to the topic at hand?" snapped Karkaroff. "Potter cheated his way into the tournament!"

"Shut up, you unicorn turd," Remus snapped back. He ignored the horrified gasp from Cedric.

"Dumbledore must have made a mistake with the line," said Madame Maxime.

"IT IS POSSIBLE, OF COURSE," Dumbledore agreed.

"Don't be ridiculous, Albus, you're not a boggart!" snapped Remus. "But that's not the most important thing at the moment. We need to get Harry out of this."