FEEL IT ALL

Chapter 2 - What's your story ?

The shadow approached as I backed up against the wall, a wince coming from me as my cuts and burns from last night hit the cold bricks. "Oh I'm sorry.. I.. I didn't mean to scare you" he approached more as the street light revealed his face, some dirty blond hair which weren't his real color.. you could see it by the roots that were dark brown, his eye bags were huge, his eyes a deep shade of brown, his look seemed worried but again my eyes felt heavy and my view was close to blind. "What do you want ! I'm not a whore !" I say scared of what might happen, these streets were dangerous at night, I know it from multiple people disappearing or women's screaming to murder and rape down these streets at midnight. He approached and chuckled "I'm not looking for that.. at all.. It's okay" he says coming toward me slowly as if he was trying to tame a stray kitten.

His face changed to pain as he saw me, he scanned me as if he was counting the number of bruises on my body. Counting each and everyone of them as if each was a trophy. He walked to me "may I sit ?" he asked... the streets were wild but he didn't look like the type to hurt me, I nod accepting his presence with me. As he sat, he looked at me worry in his eyes "you look so young to be in those streets, how old are you" he asked, the man looked in his thirties so of course I was young to him, "spare me the moral, I'm eighteen, been in the streets since fourteen" I roll my head to the side feeling it get heavier and heavier, his eyes softened "bill" he says as I look at him in confusion "oh um I'm bill" he says softly. I smiled drugs still running through my blood, "Ashley, but people mostly call me ash". As my head was rolling around heavy to carry he looks to my bruised neck "May I help you ?" I shake refusing to any more man to touch me, "you're hurting your neck more, shh" he says as I debate feeling him pass his hand and arm behind my neck, chocking ? kidnapping ? rape ? most of the questions running through my heads were all on the negative as I was still watching this ballet of light that had appeared again... coming out of an overdose always made things complex to feel the same again, takes patience.. something I didn't have. He held my neck under his arm stabilizing my head, "see ? I'm not here to hurt you.. who did this to you" he says softly, as our eyes met I broke down.

His face softened again, as he wiped a tear from my cheek "hey it's alright, look, how about you tell me... what's your story ?" he look down at me, I nod, taking a deep breath I still felt like my lungs were burning from yesterday, I sigh "w..when I was five, my dad shot himself in the head after loosing his job and divorcing with my mom.. I had to stay with this alcoholic bitch, she was always in her damn couch, drinking again and again, and when the clock rang midnight she'd run out naked to the streets begging for money against her cunt..." I take a small break as tears run down my face, "at fourteen she threw me out saying I was old enough to deal with life, I lived in the streets here for a bit before I was found by Val... he gave me a house, but instead of paying money for it I payed with my body... at 17 I had already got all my body raped and abused... but the pain stops with the magic powder" I smile a little, he look at me his soft look in mine, "crack" he mumbles, "exactly, started my first line at 16 ! and never was able to stop" I say as I relax my body onto his, I was still out of the control of my body, I felt like someone else controlled me. I kept repeating to me that you cannot trust a junkie ! But.. he felt safe, I felt safe against him.. I turn to him "what about you, what could be your story", he sight looking straight to the wall as I shivered against him from the cold air, "well, I was a well known singer with my band in the 2000s, we made it all, MTV, awards, we travelled from Japan to Australia, to Paris to Italy.. everywhere we were known for our music, part English, part German... People adored me... But after years of taking a break from tours and albums people started forgetting about us, turned older to my 25, we split up, my guitarist tom my twin brother got married, gustav our drummer got married and have a daughter, our basis Georg has a fiancé... and well I tried to find love, but she took everything from me, left me alone with nothing but my dark thoughts.. Some friends told me to try injections, so I did, I told myself it could release the pain and it did... until I got addicted to it.. sold my house for it, left everything for it.." he lift up the shirt from his free arm revealing several purple marks from injections.. I gasped.. "I tried it all... but never this" I look at him "you shouldn't try this.. it's fucked up and even if I wanted to start a normal life again these scars will stay forever"

I sigh "I've done all, cocain, crack, weed, LSD, Angel dust, GHB, even done morphine" I laugh, he turned to me looking into my eyes, "your still quite high, you should get some rest alright ? I was supposed to go but look I can stay tonight to keep you safe if you'd like" he offered, the wind was cold and the streets were scary, as an eighteen year old kid I didn't know what to do but this 25 year old junkie made me feel safe and warm.. after all I lived it all, it's not a little incident that could make it worst. I nod to him, "sleep some ash, I'll stay, you'll be safe tonight" he says as my eyes became horribly heavy.. Black, warm, safety... words I haven't felt for years to live for.