Beetle

Chapter 8

By the time I finally get one twin into her high chair I don't bother helping the other one. Which of course, makes the twin in the high chair mad because she sister doesn't have to be strapped in like her. Only after I promise chocolate cake does twin A in the high chair stops having her tantrum.

"Jesus, I fucking hate children." "Don't swear in front of them", but to be honest I'm kind of thinking the same thing.

I silently pray that there's a piece of frozen cheesecake in the Browns freezer because if there isn't it's about to be world war three.

I smile when I find a box of mini cheesecakes and I pull one out to unthaw it.

By the time the devil twins are sleeping I'm exhausted and ready to go home. Kaylee left about an hour ago because she needed to go home to do her "skin care routine."

It's just different, being in someone else's home. With no one checking on me I can let the emotions come which is why I find myself crying while watching The 101 Dalmatians and eating my very own mini cheesecake. It not a sad movie, yet I can't stop bawling.

By the time my principal and his wife get home I'm mostly fine. I'm not actively crying but the remanence is still there. The puffy red eyes don't exactly leave much to the imagination. Yet, the Browns have the competence to say nothing. If anything, my principal was the highlight of my night. Not because he tried to make me feel better but instead because his clearly dislike towards me is comical. If I wasn't sure him asking, "where's Kaylee? I thought she was babysitting?" Would be all the confirmation I needed.

I decide to walk home, even though it's about a thirty minute walk. Kaylee drove here and it must of slipped her mind that I would be without a ride home. I debated about walking over to her house and asking for a ride but she would have invited me for a sleepover if I asked. I'm just not in the mood. 'Maybe that's why she didn't offer a to give me a ride? Because she wanted me to ask her for one? Or because she wanted a sleepover without having to ask? Whatever. Who cares.'

Maybe the Browns aren't such great people after all, because who lets a teenager girl walk home alone after she babysat your demon twins? That's not totally true, Mrs. Brown offered to give me a ride home but as soon as I shot her down she only offered one more time until she dropped it.

It's not cold, but the air definitely has a bite to it. I'm grateful because it allows for a clear head. I think about my dad, even though I don't want to. I think about how I've done such a disservice to him lately since I haven't thought about him, besides in passing. Every time I think about him it's because something reminds me of him and than I force myself to think of something else. I force myself to forget because it's easier; so much easier. Because if I don't remember him the pain isn't all consuming.

But maybe it's time to let myself feel which is why I remember his deep laugh, the way he would dance with my mom in the kitchen and the way he made the best tacos.

I stop at the little park by my house because I'm too upset to go inside. There's a peacefulness, even a beauty about how quiet and calm it is. I know I should be scared because it's dark and I'm alone but I'm anything but. I let myself swing on a rusted swing that's been around since at least the eighties for awhile. For the first time in weeks, my mind is at ease.

"Isn't it late for a lady like you to be out?" The voice startles me but it doesn't scare me. Maybe it's because I have no self-preservation, but I prefer to think it's because the voice is kind and gentle. "No", is not the best answer but I didn't know what else to say. Only now do I realize that I didn't have to say anything at all.