The Future Banned Writer Awards (CLOSED FOR JUDGING)

Round 2 Results: Dark Romance

Your writing is beautiful, and I'm sure you know it, but this book is heavy. It's exposition-heavy, description-heavy, and probably also physically heavy once you print it out on paper and bind it into a real book. By that I mean, there are a lot of words in here. The chapters are very long -- I read the disclaimer and am aware that this was how you intended the book to be read, but reading for so long with no breaks made me lose my focus.

There's a lot of information to remember, and everything is so detailed it made me want to register every single detail, but my goldfish brain just didn't let me, so I had to keep scrolling back up to re-read details I had missed. Half of chapter 2 is dedicated to explaining Mackenzie's family dynamics, which are then summed up in one line of dialogue in the following chapters. It gets very hard to follow, and even though everything is explained, I still got lost.
By the end of chapter 4. we have met at least 25 named characters. That's a lot. I don't think I've spoken face-to-face with this many people this year, and we're already at the end of June.

Again, each one of them gets their own description that makes them feel important. As writers, we tend to want to explain everything so that the readers don't get lost, but as my boss once said about my PowerPoint presentations: when too many things look important, then nothing feels important.

I feel bad for giving you a harsh review because it's clear you've put a lot of effort into this book, but I feel like it might be too much effort. If you edit this book again in the future, I'd say treat it like you're studying it for a history exam. You have your notebook in front of you with every single detail about everything that ever happened, and you're highlighting the parts you need to remember. If you highlight every word, on every line, of every page, you won't remember anything and you'll probably fail the exam (I used to do this). However, if you pick and choose the key parts of information, you'll remember the most important stuff and fill in the details with your memory and/or imagination.

mafia_lover97  - A Flower Between the Thorns
Character/s Introduction: 7.5/10
Genre Fit: 10/10
Grammar/Mechanics: 7/10
Details: 7.5/10
Total: 32/40

Notes: This book has an interesting plot (which Wattpad readers will absolutely adore) and intriguing characters. You said in an author's note that you felt you needed to work on Filip's point of view, but at this point in the book, I actually see him as the most developed character. His emotions and his drive are easy to understand and come across really well through his dialogue and body language.

I'd love to see that same depth with Fleur. Even though she doesn't have much dialogue in the first part, I think her internal monologue could delve more into her feelings -- which must obviously be strong and plenty, given the horrible situation she's in. We get to know her better by chapter 2, although by that point she seems feisty and strong, which clashes a little with the poor, shy girl we met in the beginning, and I felt like I missed a step in her evolution. She's the main character, so give her as much depth and importance as you can.

Your writing style is really enjoyable, and you have some very beautiful descriptions, but there are some distracting punctuation errors such as missing commas in sentences and dialogue tags, as well as some words missing in several paragraphs. One example I caught was "Coal black was covering her face like a curtain"... I assume the coal black was referring to her hair, but the way it's written makes it sound like someone smeared ash on her face or something. Give it a good re-read to catch all these small mistakes.

Although your book didn't make it through to the last round of this award, you have a great story and lots of talent. If you add in a good edit, your story will surely make it really far on Wattpad.

jennypate5  - When I'm gone, I'm glad we met
Character/s Introduction: 8/10
Genre Fit: 9/10
Grammar/Mechanics: 8/10
Details: 7,5/10
Total: 32,5/40