Faking Perfection

26|First Time

２６|Ｆｉｒｓｔ Ｔｉｍｅ

Ｉｚｚｙ

For the next two weeks, I no longer remember the person I was trying to be.

I'm back to my old self, which feels foreign, and I welcome every ounce of despair because I deserve it—every single bit.

What the hell was I thinking about going to that party? I should have walked away when I saw Zane get into that fight, but despite how much I've tried to prove to everyone that I'm this badass, nonchalant girl, I care about the people in my life. Should I have gone about rescuing Zane a different way? Of course, I should have, but I don't regret trying to help a friend, even though it ended up biting me in the ass. Even if he ended up sleeping with one of my best friends.

Speaking of which, my facade almost threatened to crumble in front of my father when he caught me ditching school with my friends and Everett this afternoon. My efforts to maintain it have been sloppy and careless, thanks to this never-ending pit in my heart from losing Mason. I convinced my father it was peer pressure that brought me there, a mistake, and he believed me full-heartedly, which hurt more than anything.

I'm begging for someone to see through the facade. I thought the people I was closest to would be able to tell I'm depressed and broken-hearted, but I've practiced this charade for so long that I've just gotten to be too good at it.

The only person who has noticed is my brother, Everett, and when he heard I was ditching school, he tagged right along even when I pleaded with him not to. I can risk getting into trouble, but Everett has a facade of his own, too, and underneath the piercings and emo clothing, he's a soft-hearted kid who cares about doing well in school. He's just a kid who misses his Dad, whether he chooses to admit that or not.

Funny that when we both got caught at the mall by our Dad, he believed me over Everett. Little did he know that Everett was the better of the two of us, and yet my brother didn't rat me out. He still covered for me despite being utterly pissed.

With my window cracked open to my room, I take a puff of my cigarette, blowing the smoke rings out into the cold winter night. At night, I feel the loneliest and crave nothing more than to feel Mason's arms around me again. Every time I want to call him, I think better of it. He deserves better. He deserves someone who isn't a risk to themselves. I'm careless and reckless and would do anything for someone I care about, and because of that, I'm too much. My heart is too big for just one person.

But the only person I seem to long for lately is Mason. Yes, I cared for Zane, but he wasn't the guy  I thought of every night. He didn't give me butterflies or make me feel like I was the only girl in the world. I should have ignored my heart's stupid attempt to get Zane out of trouble because look where it got me.

I told myself repeatedly that I couldn't love just one person, but it still shatters me that I was right.

"Mind if I come up?"

I practically jump out of my skin at the voice whispering from the ground below. Zane stares at me skeptically, unsure how I'll react to him showing up at my house at midnight. He's been here several times before, so he knows how to climb the gutter to my room. However, my Dad is home, and if he catches him in here...

"I thought you were in jail?" I watched him get escorted away in handcuffs out of that room, leaving me alone to determine the rest of my fate. That night still haunts my dreams. The night I lost not only the man I love but also the person I was working so hard to become.

He shrugs. "My family paid my bail, and the hearing isn't for another two weeks. We need to talk."

"I don't think we do." Taking another puff from my cigarette, I add, "You slept with my best friend and almost ruined my entire life, Zane."